Spiralling further and further down

Izzeerascal's picture

Spiralling further and further down

Used paint to knock up a quick representation of me feelings right now. Even though he's got my phone number, if I stay away from facebook by doing this, he'll carry on pretending I don't exist.
I suppose by now I should be used to being unwanted. People find it weird when I touch them, I've been conditioned into not asking for or giving out hugs because people don't like them off me. I've become as cold and unapproachable as my dad says I am. But why would anyone care? Nobody wants to know. All anyone wants to hear from me is the answers to their homework. All I'm expected to do is get As and A* in everything and go on to be successful. Alone, of course, but who cares about that? I'm supposed to have degrees in Modern Foreign Languages and interpret for hypocritical political dickheads for a living, not be happy.
All anyone sees me as is a computer. They always go on about how smart I am, but its like they're saying 'oh yeah, this one's brand new, got it delivered in from Osaka, it's got a 600 million gigabyte memory' or whatever. If I don't feel like giving people the answers they need to get full marks, then they think something's wrong with me, because why shouldn't I be happy to just give away the only thing that makes people talk to me? Some people say I'm pretty, but they say it in the same way you might say a car's pretty. It's not bulky, it's got a shiny coat and it goes fast. A car or a greyhound or something.
I may be a feminist, but you know what I'd like? For someone to look at me and find me attractive. Then I could at least put down my repulsive effect on something in my personality. But then again, I think it probably is something in my personality. If I have an aesthetically pleasing face and the answers to peoples' history homework, then maybe it's the way I talk, my sense of humour or just that I have some mysterious ability to push people away. Every boy I've ever liked has got on with me less and less as time goes on. People on the street stare at me like I'm an alien, or push past me like I'm not there. Some kid at school has decided, despite having never spoken to me at all, that he doesn't like me and his job in life is to piss me off. My own 'brother' doesn't even like me, he can't stand to touch me.
Normally, most of this doesn't bother me, I'm happy with my own company. But every now and then, it gets on top of me and I begin to wonder who is it that decided that being on my own is not something I get a choice about, that I have to always be the weird girl who stands in the background like a talking giraffe and says things that nobody quite understands because she's a weirdo. I'd like to, for once in my life, actually feel like I'm needed around, not because I'll make the group bigger or because I add to the atmosphere, but because I am me and nobody else is quite as suitable as I am. I'd like to be wanted not because I am tall, smart and relatively entertaining, but because I am Issy.
That wasn't supposed to be such a rant. I'm just feeling kind of annoyed.
Bobberson.