Letter to my dad

Izzeerascal's picture

Letter to my dad

I appreciate that you would like me to spend time with you, and that you are proud of me. I get that. I think considering what a bastard you are, it's nice that you haven't abandoned me at all.
The problem is that you seem to hate everything I do that isn't a direct copy of what you do. Just because I'm not a soppy huggy kissy person like you - I don't want to go round telling everyone I love them all the time, that's not what I do. Less is more. It's incredibly unfair that you called me cold and antisocial just because I'm not bubbly and the stereotypical sexist 'caregiver' type of girl. If I don't want to kiss your other children I don't have to.
Well, that's one of the problems. The second is that you have such an issue with me being similar to my mum in some ways. You belittle me and say I just copy her if I happen to agree with her on a topic, or like the same bands as she does. No, I agree because I have formulated my own opinion on the subject and it is similar to my mum's as opposed to your stupid bullshit. I don't like the same bands as you because you don't like music. I also think it's unfair that you undermine my mum's authority - and from there, yet again my ability to make decisions for myself - when she disagrees with you. You withhold child support and you encourage me to disobey my mum just for the sake of it. I don't see why you need to cause so much trouble for her, you've got three other kids you love to lavish all your time and money on. Also, you're assuming I just blindly follow what people tell me to do like a sheep. I do what people tell me to do because I think what they're asking for is a good idea either in general or in terms of what I get from it.

Then there's the way you single me out and make me feel like the sixth wheel in your family. Make no mistake, I have tried and given up on being included, and I don't want to be part of it. I have rarely, if ever asked anything of you, especially in terms of money. I don't ask you to give me money unless I need it, I don't try to make you buy me clothes and shoes and technology. The things you've bought me for Christmas don't count in this because it's fucking CHRISTMAS. Yes you have paid for half of a few holidays, but that is because you are my father. You have paid for half of two ski trips, which you said were a good idea to go on, and half of one Florida trip which you don't agree with because it gets me away from sitting in the rain babysitting your screaming babies while you piss about doing 'work'.
I don't even have my own room at yours. I don't mind sharing with Archie as such, apart from when he wakes up crying and you assume it's my job to calm him down again. What I mind is that you and your girlfriend move all my stuff out of the room and either throw it away or hide it, and then you store all your papers on my bed, the one thing I actually own at your house, and don't even give me anywhere to put them when I have to collect them all without waking up Archie.
Then there's the way you let everyone treat me, yourself included. I'm not asking for everyone to do what I want, watch what I want, eat what I want, but I would like at least a little say. All I want when I am relaxing is to be left alone to go on my laptop and talk to friends without you telling me to go to bed at half ten (I AM SIXTEEN FOR FUCKS SAKE), or read without you coming into my room every half an hour and interrogating me and asking 'why are you so depressed? Why do you look so annoyed? Why are you so sullen? Why? WHY?' and then telling me to stop and come downstairs and do nothing at all. There's the way you let your oldest son just ignore everything I tell him to do because in his opinion 'I don't live there so I can't tell him what to do'. You don't even tell him off any more. Because you agree. You let your other daughter insult me and get away with it by pretending to be naive and young, but she's not. She knows what she's saying. And your girlfriend, sending me out of the room for 'being so depressing' just because I wasn't hungry. She's the one everyone walks on eggshells around, not me.

I try to get on with your children, and you. I really do. All the times I have started a subject in the car because I'm trying to find common ground and you either don't even listen when I'm talking, or use it as an excuse to put me down and talk to me like an idiot. Well fuck that, if you don't want me to talk to you, I won't. I try with Lily and Zak. I bring music and show them because at least we might have that in common, and when I am seriously pissed off at everyone, I hold onto the fact that Lily likes the same music as me to some degree, so we might have a chance of getting on in the future. What you're failing to understand here is the seven year, eight year and twelve year age gaps between me and your other kids. I don't watch the same things or read the same things, I have a more developed and subtle sense of humour, I don't cry when there's sauce on my chicken. I have literally nothing in common with your children, and I don't want to spend all my time with primary school kids that I see maybe once a month, when I could be out with my friends that I consider more like my family because they actually care about me. Lily doesn't even know how old I am. You can't even call me by my proper name, and don't say it's because you confuse me with Lily. I'm at least two feet taller than her, I have a fringe, I wear make-up, I don't wear glasses, and I am seven years older than her. You call me the wrong name because you don't care.

So that's it, basically. Try as you might you can't hide the fact that you do not give a flying fuck about me, except when you want to ruin my day. I have tried to get on with you, I really have, but you've made it clear that you don't want an emotional bond, you just want my phone number so you can ask me to babysit when I'm busy. All the times I offer you ignore me because you know I expect to be given some money for it, and let's not forget that time I worked for you for a week and you wouldn't pay me until I turned up at the airport to go to Japan, found out I didn't have any money and had to call you and nag you. Let's not forget how your mum gave you money to spend on clothes for me when I was a baby and you spent it on records for yourself, hmm?
Stop guilt tripping me into doing stuff for you because it doesn't work. You can't give me the freedom to decide when I want to go to your house, make all my time at yours a living hell, and then try to force me into coming round. It doesn't fucking work that way.