Ugh. FUCK. I want to go home and sit in some dark corner and just.... turn invisible. with ice-cream. A huge, non-fat tub of it. Today is just not turning out okay. My grandma gave me a lecture about my reputation and how acting desperate will get me nowhere in life and I can't act on impulses because then I'll just be the easy girl that everyone can lead on. No shit. Isn't that kinda what everyone does to me? I mean.... 3/4 of everyone that has made me feel like a non-bag-of-shit? And she almost made me cry because she is always insanely worried about me. She doesn't really care, she just doesn't want a failure granddaughter. And then at show choir, fucking perfect, I couldn't fucking breathe and after that my mom took me for ice cream and I just.....I love ice cream. And then, the rest of the night I cried and ranted and practically exploded at my friend Jack. And I really hate keeping secrets, so I knew I couldn't with him, but its all catching up with me now. And its getting heavy.
I went down to the nurse just to avoid class, and she told me to try and sleep. So I told her it was impossible, but I'd try. And so she took me into this small, dark, secluded room. !5 minutes in there, I started crying. No she didn't hear me. Thank God. But I was just thinking like.... of everything. And then the darkness and gah.
I want to go home. School is pointless right now. I want to run away too, but its fucking cold, and I'm a hopeless cause like that.
Jack told me I need to set a goal for myself. Just one. And whenever I have to make a decision about my sexuality or my health or my self esteem or depression, I have to look back at it. I'm just sort of confused, because my only goal in life is the one that isn't a goal at all.
These are the eyes and the lies of the taken
These are their hearts but their hearts don’t beat like ours
They burn ‘cause they are all afraid
For every one of us, there’s an army of them
But you’ll never fight alone
‘Cause I wanted you to know
That the world is ugly
But you’re beautiful to me
Well are you thinking of me now (now)
These are the nights and the lights that we fade in
These are the words but the words aren’t coming out
They burn ‘cause they are hard to say
For every failing sun, there’s a morning after
Though I’m empty when you go
I just wanted you to know
That the world is ugly
But you’re beautiful to me
Are you thinking of me
Like I’m thinking of you
I would say I’m sorry, though
Though I really need to go
I just wanted you to know
I wanted you to know
I wanted you to know
I’m thinking of you every night, every day
