I'm gonna die D': okay so, my parents hate My Chemical Romance (you: *faints*, me: i know, excruciating, right?). Therefore, I have 0 posters, 0 t-shirts, 0% chance of ever getting concert tickets, and frankly, 0 real CDs. But my cousin, who is awesome, Jenna, gave me two burned CDs for my birthday which was in September. Usually, I don't go more than a week without putting one of them in at all. On these two, I have all of Black Parade, a couple off of Danger Days, all of Bullets, and most of Three Cheers. And I was listening to Disenchanted, and suddenly, the whole thing goes fucked up! I almost screamed. I am still sort of panicked. And so now I will be spending quite a while, looking for more skipping songs. But gah. What do I do??? :P
anyways, haven't made a blog in a while, have I? I guess I should fill ya'll in on what's been going on lately. I, for starters, have another competition tomorrow, and I don't think I will be able to stand it if its anything like last week. Because last week, I was so bad. And frankly, I'm not getting any better. Today, I was called down to the school counselors to talk about my problems. I didn't..... GAH MAMA IS SKIPPING!!!!!!!! D': *skips entire song, moves on to Cancer... if cancer skips I will kill something.....*. Anyways, I didn't tell my counselor everything persay.... just what I wanted her to know. I like her because she keeps my shit between her and me. Not my parents. not the principal like last year. I told her about my nightmares, I even went into detail on one or two, and she asked me how I respond to these when I'm awake. I told her "I'm not sure if I'm ever awake anymore." and she didn't look too settled on that. But of course she wouldn't, thus my friends show random concern for me, and honestly, I wasn't really happy going to her.
She focused barely any on my grades, which I liked, a lot. Because my grades suck. I lost all of my motivation, thus, last semester I was still....happy. This semester, basically, I blow everything off because I'm not going to have a life after high school anyway. I'm going to be that type that goes to parties, gets drunk, goes home with someone, and then during the day works a shift at some local coffee shop, just so I can get a discount. I'm still going to have my nightmares, and I probably am always going to have my personality issues, but ya never know. Anyways, back to the topic, I have trouble concentrating in school to begin with, but my dad won't let the doctors give me pills. Which is stupid, but logical I guess....After I told her more about my nightmares though, she asked me if I'm able to talk to the people in my nightmares, and I said "....depends".
I have horrible trouble talking to Matthew now, not that it matters, because he doesn't want to talk to me. But even knowing that, when conversation does come up, it scares me to death. I panic when he touches me, and turn down his hugs. Its just... blah. He's really okay with Zoa, and thus, I shouldn't even matter. I don't really... haha its actually true :p AH DUDE... DUUUDE CEMETERY DRIVE SKIPPED.... anyways, she asked me how scared I am, and why. I told her that after all of the former shit happened, and people told me to just....move on, I would go to bed knowing that he doesn't like me whatsoever, and then my head would put a spin on it. Not only did he just not care in real life, but in my dreams, he hates me so much, that there's a bloody, gory, evil and demonic twist to everything. And I wake up, sometimes crying, or yelling, or just panicking, because the only thought in my head at that moment is "hate. hate. hate." Its really horrible, because the few that I still am able to talk to know how hurtful this is to me. Its the same way with Cody when he's in my terrors. But I have actually been talking to him more. Idk... I just am.
Tuesday I think it was, I was after school for no reason, and I was in a practice room at my school, in the dark, blasting MCR (sleep, the end, save yourself, etc) and Coldplay (the scientist, yellow, violet hill, fix you) in my ears, and crying periodically. I tried writing a song, nothing really came, so whatever. Cody had put his stuff in there for who knows what fucking reason, so they both decided to come and get his stuff. They thought I wasn't in there still, but I was. Ha. Deception. And they kept asking me what was wrong. It was actually sort of annoying, they kept ticking me and using my nicknames and eventually, Cody lifted me up and I screamed at him. Sure, I was pissed, and then he did the most stupid thing. He gave me to Matthew. And I went crazy inside my head. So crazy, I screamed at him. And kneed his head (ACCIDENTALLY I PROMISE) to put me down. I sort of fell out of his arms, really. Anyways, the next half hour I spent hiding and running away from people. I was actually sort of fucking messed up. That whole night. Well all of the time really now..... I was hallucinating a lot that night, and I did today as well. I mentioned the hallucinations to the counselor, and she suggested, of fucking course, ....(TEENAGERS SKIPPED NOOOOOO!) ....she suggested seeing a doctor and my therapist again.
Fucking great.
And on top of that now, my MCR cd skips. It's going to be a long end of the week.
