Hi everyone :) I hope you are all having a great New Years Eve :) I mean.... I'm not :/ I'm stuck at home doing absolutely nothing. But I thought about it... and I realized.... that I mean... I've made it through the worst year of my life. I shouldn't even be here. And I sort of... just had flashback after flashback and I just wanted to... Idk... go in a little depth on what happened. I know the rules are no suicidal or self harm posts, so I won't go in depth there. But lets just say... last year on New Years Eve... I wasn't exactly who I am now. So I'll start January.
January went something like this: anorexia. Just..... that was my main problem. And then (not that I should be bringing this up) but my friend kissed me. And that's how some real shit started. I stopped eating altogether after the guilt hit, but hey, it was my first kiss, what can I say? And then on the 28... I had made the infinity sign. Which caused.... much more shit. But I seriously can remember sitting on the bus on day and making this fuck long list of every reason I liked that boy. I made one for her too.... but I have no idea where it went :3
February, lonely as fuck. I mean, yeah, so Mimi (yeah guys, my girlfriend) hated me. Legit. It was just awful. I honestly remember the day we made up, how emotional we had gotten. And I remember the 4th of february, being at her house and sitting up on her roof... and it was just... like wow. I had never...ever felt that way before. But when I thought maybe things would be okay... yeah not exactly. The SH got worse, and so did the drama. On Valentines day, I remember having a concert and just crying my eyes out in the bathroom for an hour. It was just awful. I started seeing my umpa lumpa therapist.....fun -.- actually, she told me the real story of the Little Mermaid, but otherwise she made me believe that everything was, in fact, my fault.
March. Dear god.... where do I start? Um...March 7th I guess. This stands as the worst day of my life. It stands over every other day, seriously. I ended up in the doctors office. God it was just.... horrible. No wait, okay so I saw my guidance counselor that day, and she made me show her my arms. At first I fought her... I should have fought more because she dragged me through Wahlert to their nurse and the principal came over with a camera and took about... hm... maybe 30 pictures of my arms. And then I got to leave school to go to a doctor to make sure I wasn't dying and..... yeah. And I think March is when my parents started getting abusive too.
April... this is the month that went from dead to alive. Okay so... First week of this month, just awful. AWFUL. And the second week, they concluded I was suicidal and sent me to a new therapist. But god... just another awful couple of days. My friend saw my newest...yeah...and they were the worst yet. Why? ...they were vertical. Third week, I lost my part in the play Beauty and The Beast (I was the big and awesome opera wardrobe, Madame de la Grande Bouche). That was the turn point for me (for a while anyway). Because this is the day that I cried. I showed emotion. and I realized that I'm alive and yeah.... so that is when we stopped SHing and well...the threesome began. O gosh... the threesome. Makeup smeared. Talks about some... interesting things. And... I'll just stop there.
May. Okay so May. Uh. Still threesome. May 5th me and the guy went to Adventureland. Great time. Heard him scream.... priceless ;) uh, that is where my relapse and lifesaver song came into place... Fix You by Coldplay. Then about... maybe a week later, they told me they were going out. And so it all ended. My grades were in the toilet, my parents were yelling and hitting, I found out about my cousin being dead, and I was alone. Uh, until the end of May, when the guy I had once liked before all of this, danced with me.... only leading me on.
June went something like... cry cry cry, ignore ignore ignore, pressures and breaking promises, cry cry cry, a total fail of life, and the whole... lead-on-boy had a girlfriend too. My sister was anorexic, didn't eat much of anything. I was in Cinderella as a townsperson, whoo... yeah wasn't a good month for me :/
July....awful as much as July until I.... got a boyfriend. First day I saw him, lets just say, his friends threw a condom at us :/ My parents read our texts, I ruined whatever trust I had with them, I went to camp for about 2 weeks, got back, it was August.
August was uh... band camp. Sexual.... yeah :/ uh, didn't eat a whole lot, got really scared about a lot of things, my family turned against me yet again and I became "the school whore that's going to hell."
September, school in session, and I stopped caring about my well-being. I cried every night, feeling disgusting and not good enough, and yeah I thought I loved the guy. But he would tell me my physical flaws and made me do things I couldn't say no to... I couldn't be alone again.
October, cried at Reconciliation because of how bad things had gotten, broke up with him, he made me feel horrible, this started my nightmares (3 months and counting), my friend became super clingy, yeah. Oh, and I dressed like a whore for Halloween :3
November... yeah uh...so nightmares. All the time. My friend... clingy even more. Turned out he uh... idk :/ But I wasn't doing so well with my depression and all that, and in December it got a little worse.
December, his girlfriend left him because well... he cheated on her with me...I'm not really sure how it happened... but it was awful. My other friend's girlfriend left him. I then got a girlfriend, the one who was in the threesome with me... well that is yes, in the past, but she's wonderful as can be. I still have nightmares, every night, and they're getting worse, but I am eating a little better and the guilt level has decreased, increased, decreased, repeat, but that's okay.
So as I say all of this, this WAS the worst year of my life. It was just awful, and I wish I could have lived it some other way, if I had to live it at all :/ But tomorrow marks 2013, and I think things will be different... much different. 66. Ummm... I just got home from House Of China, and I'm ready to live the last night of the worst year of my life.
Go figure.
