Its 3:40 in the morning. Yes actually, I'm being serious. And that means that there's only 6 more days until the last Conventional Weapons songs, Burn Bright and Surrender The Night are finally released, and I go back to not having anything to hope for :p meh. Why am I up so fucking early? why else :'/ went to bed around midnight, and I just woke up about an hour ago. It took me a while to gain... sanity and well-being after that whole thing. But the last couple of days if you didn't notice, I haven't posted an entry, because I was waiting for something to talk about and frankly not much came. Which is saying a lot, because now I feel like I could just rant on forever. A couple of days ago, I freaked out at Mimi <3, once again, because I had seen my hallucination girl, Julee. I vented out to her about my nightmares, about how I'm scared of Matthew, about how I always feel so dangerous and so vulnerable after them, how I just.... feel. And it was awful because its just a hopeless cause now. I'm just afraid these will never end. That I'm going to be stuck in this state forever. That I'll always be afraid to talk to Matthew and every time he touches me at all its going to feel like a threat. And that the only people I'll ever truly have to keep me company are the ones my mind makes up to torture me; Fade, Julee, Rosie, Ana, the decay girls, the demons and the doppelgangers. Sometimes the best thing for me to do then is to listen to Sleep. To take in every line like its a story.
Some say, now suffer all the children
And walk away a savior
Or a madman and polluted
From gutter institutions
I always think of just... people. When I hear that. The ones that exist and the ones that don't, those I'm hurting and those who have hurt me. Its awful. I think of how awful I'm being to Mimi and how confused I'm making her when sometimes things just seem put together in the nonsense of my head, like I'll never be able to show her how much I need her but that sometimes I'm just a wreck and I'm confused like that. And I think of Matthew and Zoa, just how much it hurts to see them but how it doesn't even matter because I don't talk to them, thus she thinks I'm mad or something and he....well yeah. How its like every person that talks to me it feels like they're worried about me and I....
Don't you breathe for me
Undeserving of your sympathy
Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did...
I don't deserve their worry I guess. I did this to myself and I made my mistakes. My parents won't ever know, nor will they ever care, and sure my friends know bits and pieces, but the only one who really knows me.... its not even me. I'm not sure anyone knows who I am?
And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don't feel bad about it
So shut your eyes
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep
Just sleep
Here I just think about how I cause shit and I can't sleep or eat well or dress well because of it, thats just how it is. And now its almost 4, and my eyes sting.....
The hardest part is letting go of your dreams
....a couple of days ago we had to make a list of our dreams for English class. I almost didn't write any because I don't have dreams. I have nightmares. I used to have dreams before Cody, before I ever got broken and before I ever got into self harm. But that was a long time ago.
A drink for the horror that I'm in
For the good guys, and the bad guys
For the monsters that I've been
Three cheers for tyranny
Unapologetic apathy
Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again
.....god this is my favorite part of the song I think. I think of so much, but when its so late at night, its hopeless to think anything at all. Its sort of a trigger actually, but enough about that. I'm trying to stay happy, but its so hard sometimes. Tuesday alone I cried 3 times. Then again, its not my fault they had to play Fix You at mass.... the one song that I seriously cannot bear to hear so close to the memory itself. I call that tyranny, when everything seems like a joke on me for the stuff that I've done. For the monster I've been and still am. That just downright sucks. And I'm scared that I'm stuck this way... for a long time. My parents want me to see a therapist. Maybe its for the best....
"...Sometimes I see flames.
And sometimes I see people that I love dying and... it's always..."
I love this... because in my dreams, flames is the number one thing I see besides Matthew and besides blood. And I'm starting to get why.
"And I can't... I can't ever wake up."
You know... sometimes I think that maybe I'm not supposed to be waking up from these nightmares. Like, at all. Like I'm just supposed to close my eyes and let the nightmare of this ugly world and the real life just pass by. Make everything go away so I couldn't cause more shit and so I can stop screaming at night and stop wanting to in the day. Because no one hears that.
okay I'm gonna go into a less poetic rant quickly. I have a show choir competition in 2 days, and I'm scared shitless. My mom's friend's daughter Morgan is being bullied at school and my mom just found out about my past bullying experience and I wanted to just slap her for being so clueless and surprised. There was no school yesterday (Wednesday) or on Monday, thank god a break! Tuesday was dreadful and ugh. I need sleep. Literally, not like the song...
well I sort of need the song too I guess.
