I just.....
I needed somewhere to talk..... so today I woke up at 4 in the morning. First off, let me say, I am FUCKING TIRED OF THIS. You know, at first it was just like, okay so I'm having nightmares again. Maybe its the medicine. Maybe its my emotions. Maybe its the disorders. I have no fucking clue. But then they.... they just keep getting worse! Did you know my average hours of sleep per week is 11? ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS! I had THREE cups of coffee today! (you can probably tell....no, I'm not neglecting my caps lock in any way, I promise. The scene is safe. My mind is just a horrible place to be). I went to my great-grandma's birthday today. She's 88, and she is in Dialysis. And so I was around people that I didn't really know, and they were all wondering why I was drinking so much coffee.
..... if you woke up at 4, only after being asleep for 1 hour 36 minutes (yeah I keep fucking track don't judge me), crying and bawling, and wanting to just end fucking everything, sitting through a boring mass where people don't accept that "hey, maybe I love a girl, and maybe I mutilated, and maybe I'm over a-fucking-hundred pounds and have alligator skin, and maybe I wear black and maybe I cry, and maybe just hey, maybe I have been through some shit", if all of this had happened to you.... I bet you'd be drinking coffee too.
Anyways, they all judge me. I know they do. And I'm never sure if they're whispering crap about me to one another or if they just don't give a fuck about me but still look at me like they are talking about me..... one asked me today "is your dad okay with you wearing that shirt missy?"
..... my dad's out of town 2 days before Christmas, and my grandma got me this shirt. have a problem? I'm not a whore, thanks for stopping by.
................yeah my dad's out of town. I don't care, he's never caring about me when he is home anyways...... oh and hey, did you know that my entire family is hating on my size now??? Yeah, so my aunt comes up to me today, and she said "Taylor, those pants look a little tight, maybe you should start working out and get that weight off." and i was just....crying on the inside.....
and then she said and this hurt "that or put some of that meat in that bra of yours" and winks.
-.- and so I drink my coffee and invisibly bawl my eyes out.
my vacation is sucking. Miserably. I just want to see Mimi. I wanna see Jack and Matthew. And I wanna see....well everyone else that I said wouldn't..... nevermind.
I've been listening to S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W a lot.... it brings back feelings and memories from not too long ago... as well as The Light Behind Your Eyes.... it couldn't be more true......
sorry for pointlessly ranting at you...... not that you Mr or Mrs random person will care much.
