So its about 1:00 in the morning and I'm typing this (even though its almost noon when its going to submit because some sort of error was happening at 1) , and I can't sleep worth a shit. So I put in my chem cds, and I was trying to think of a clever title for a blog like this, and Disenchanted came on and well.... perfectly fit :p I'm feeling a lot better after my whole... fdlwocvayjkoqwiul yesterday. Calmed down a little, stayed away from anything bad like I promised, and though I got less sleep then I had hoped once again, I have a feeling of calmness right now. I'm at 45, and I'm getting lower and lower, but I don't feel much of anything right now. which is somewhat alarming, somewhat good. I only cried once today, but I was also unresponsively hazy.
To start off, this morning my mom showed me her Facebook page and the video of me singing. which just made me want to die in a corner. But I got over it fairly quickly. Anyways, I watched another horror today. Well, what they call a horror, what I call just a creepy movie about the end of the world in God's wrath and some pregnant woman who saved mankind. It was truthfully triggering at times, and other times I just sat there like "dad.... what the fuck is going on." Sorry for just being random and non-mcr-ish, but I like venting. Um, so my main part of the day has two parts:
one) I was watching Varsity show choir, and my ex boyfriend had a solo. Granted, he's amazing. Yeah I think he's really good. And then my parents made funny jokes about his clothes and his hair and I laughed and smiled and they started saying that he impressed them. My sister made cute jokes about his hair flips and his suspenders being spazzy, and I couldn't help it. I texted the guy. Just to tell him that he did really good in the performance. And somehow out of that, a 3-hour-long conversation started. And I was just... sucked into it. Not always a good thing. But I felt so much better talking to him.
Two) I was watching some tapes from when I was a kid with my family tonight. For about 4 hours or so. And just... wow. The shy, blonde curly, big eyes, small nose, innocent little kid came out. She sat there in a cute little Christmas dress and blew bubbles, or played in the sand box with her favorite person, Jenna, or my personal favorite, got real close to the camera and sang, super quietly, Twinkle Twinkle :3 only it sounded like this "Fwrinkle Fwrinkle wittle star" :3 AH! SO CUTE! but I wanted to talk to the old me through the screen, warn her of everything she'll have to put up with and live through. I wanted to tell her to watch out for love, it hurts and it kills, and you'll only end up lonely. I wanted to tell her not to worry about her body and her skin, because one day, some guy will just end up fucking her anyways. I don't mean Cody.... I just mean in general... Cody really never... out of harshness... he never... anyways. I wanted to scream at her "don't listen to that boy in 5th grade, stay away from that rope, and please, just drop the knife." but she wasn't listening. No one was. OoOoOh that'd be a good couple of lines for my book :3
anyways, now I have disenchanted playing through my earbuds, and I think Cody fell asleep, and I sort of just feel alone right now. But somethings different, like watching that kid on that screen be so happy, just made me feel like I did something wrong. When that boy in 5th grade, or my actions, or society or whatever, they're partially to blame for who i am.
but who i am isn't all a bad thing..... I hope.
Well I was there on the day, They sold the cause for the queen,
And when the lights all went out, We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself, But it started with an alright scene.
It was the roar of the crowd, That gave me heartache to sing.
It was a lie when they smiled, And said, "you won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops, We laughed so hard it would sting
If I'm so wrong, How can you listen all night long?
Now will it matter after I'm gone? Because you never learn a goddamned thing.
You're just a sad song with nothing to say About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong, This never meant nothing to ya
I spent my high school career, Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes, Sell a car on tv
Bring out the old guillotine, We'll show 'em what we all mean.
If I'm so wrong, How can you listen all night long?
Now will it matter long after I'm gone? Because you never learn a goddamned thing.
You're just a sad song with nothing to say About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong, This never meant nothing to ya
So go, go away, just go, run away. But where did you run to?
And where did you hide? Go find another way, price you pay
You're just a sad song with nothing to say About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong, This never meant nothing to ya, come on
At all, at all, at all, at all
