This is going to be a lot of ranting on pretty much three topics, I think anyways, "love" and my religion class today, my show choir competition tomorrow, and my killjoy name dilemma. so just today, people really seem to be wanting more of me. And it sucks ass, sometimes. Because I'm sort of a failure at heart haha :p for example, Love. Love is a word that maybe I know and maybe I don't, but today in religion class, it kinda felt like we should know what it is and how we can get better at it. I know that I have troubles in "love"... lots of them. Like a fuck-ton lot. But our religion teacher, so she's a nun. Well a sister, whatever, anyways. We read this um... this passage about love. If you aren't religious, I'm not trying to offend you or anything, I'm just stating the following for the facts of what my religion class was like, I respect all life decisions,
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
So she told us to think of someone who has loved us. I sat there blankly in my chair biting my nails like crazy. So of course, sister calls on me -.- and she asks, "who loves you or loved you?"
.... I said my cousin, the first words that came from my mouth. Couldn't say Matthew or Mimi or Cody or anyone like that, I had to lie or course, but its not like they... anyways. So she asked me, "which one of these lines portrays to your cousin the most?" and I said "Love is kind, it does not boast, it does not dishonor others, always protects, always preserves." and she smiled at me like she knew who the fuck I was talking about. Geez lady, like hell you knew Hunter -.- I said him because Thursday after school actually, I found a picture of our whole family from when I was 8 for Christmas, and he was in it. My grandma took it away from me actually, more of because I shouldntve been in her room. But it was nice to see him again :) anyways, back to religion class, then she asked me, "which of these is most like your love, just in general, for anyone you love?" and I said after a couple of seconds, "Love is patient, it is not easily angered, and it always protects." I sort of bent the truth on those too. But then she said. "now replace "Love" with your name. Which can you work on?" and I said...."Is kind...does not envy.... does not boast....not self seeking...always hopes... never fails." and she smiled like it was funny or something. then again, she smiles at a dog shitting as long as it means something to her spiritually.
Haha, talk about Holy Crap ;) wow... awful fucking joke.
anyways, more expectations now as it passes 11:00 and I am still not asleep, I am nervous as fuuuuuuck for tomorrow. Show choir competition two hours away. I have to be up and ready to get on the bus at 6 in the morning, and then once we get there, we basically get dressed in our barbie dresses (UUUUUUUGHH) and our fake-up (yeah, no typo there) and perform in front of tons of random people. and I have to solo again. So to let you all know ahead of time, I will be panicking, crying, and hypervenalating tomorrow. Most definitely. Its just awful though because I told everyone that I would do better at the competitions and I'm positive I just CANT. My stage fright, ever since I was a kid who wouldn't be able to even talk in front of anyone, has only gotten to the point of shaking and my voice cutting out. I don't do people, no matter how "good" they say I am. Because everyone says to me "you'll be great, just don't worry." well I will worry, I'm being JUDGED!
...ugh. Oh, and my um, my chemical romance relation to this blog, I need a killjoy name. Really really badly. I like Cyanide Baby, or something to do with any of these words: security, sirens, Prozac, anecdote, nightmare, terror, flame, haze, ashes, matches, blade, mad, panic, anesthetic, or basically, anything that might have something to do with me :p expectations for myself, I just can't make one good enough :p
