Hello everyone... its 11:35 and I am exhausted. I want to sleep so fucking badly but I just.... can't. Today was rough on my emotions, on my body, my nerves, my everything. I'm sorry about my constant complaining but no one else will really listen to it. So I'm telling random strangers through a computer. Anyways. First of all, previous blog, mentioned a solo for the song A Thousand Years for my show choir? Yeah. Failed it today too. Twice. Whoopdiefuckingdoo. Why can't I get it right? Seriously, just minutes before we go on, that's when I try to find some confidence and then end up torturing the words, the notes, everything. Can't breathe, voice cuts out, shake to death and nearly drop the mic on the floor. Wonderful. But I was just so.... wanting to be great today after what happened yesterday. And I couldn't do it. Why? Simple. I can't do anything right.
Can't keep good grades, can't keep up with homework, can't dance worth shit, can't sing a fucking beautiful solo, can't keep a relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, can't be sexy enough or have the body they wanted, can't do squat. Score one for worthless pile of blah.
Anyways, I guess one thing I can do is buy a good gift for my friend. Well.....ex-girlfriend (if you call it that). Her locket finally came in the mail yesterday, and she loved it. It was gold, and it was the Paramore "You Are The Only Exception" locket (oh, yeah, that song has a lot of meaning to me and to our relationship) And yeah. Ummmm, I was in the hallway today, yo-yo-ing out my nerves, and I swear to god I had deja vu from a nightmare. Dark hallway, exit signs, and a dark body. Came closer, its Matthew, I nearly scream. I felt like crying. But more than that, I felt like growing up. What else? Oh okay. So I sort of knew this weekend would be hard on my emotions, but seriously, 4. That's how many times I cried today. Maybe.... no 5. Forgot the one with my parents. I cried most when I was in the cafeteria, alone, it was sort of dark-ish, and I sat up on the stage, listening to the same powerful song over and over and over again, smelling my perfume that actually has a hidden meaning, as well as the bracelet, and cried. Normal people wouldn't do what I do on days like today, but I did, because I don't want to forget what everyone says I shouldn't remember. Screw logic. I started coughing up blood again today, and I didn't eat a whole lot, nor did I get enough sleep for the dancing I had to do today. Ummm, oh, and I got screamed at by my parents because I decided to go and change out of my show choir dress, before getting permission from them. I don't need permission from them though!!!??? Anyways, I thought that was stupid as fuck, but what else is new?
-.-
so another awful day from me. Go figure.
