Hello everyone, hope you are all having okay days :) I honestly, well, can't sleep again, and here I am at almost midnight, writing a blog entry. Okay :p Yesterday I went to watch Varsity (show choir) perform in Minnesota, and so I sat on a bus for 6 hours in the midst of some just hard PDA, and then tried to sleep and couldn't but what else is new. I got there, and immediately, I felt different. Actually, I started feeling like this with about an hour left of the ride. Anyways, right when I got there I got a cup of coffee. Thank the Lord for coffee. I was walking around drinking this cup of heaven, and I started hallucinating. And I know its not the coffee that does this, because coffee does NOT do anything for me. I saw...forms of myself. Hanging by nooses at the top of staircases. These staircases don't get me wrong, they were just like ones from a nightmare. But I hallucinated a good 20 times at this school alone yesterday. It was awful. Just godawful.
Another thing I noticed is that, and this is something I've always sort of done, but I would, without reason, leave my friends and walk around lifelessly, like everything is just numbed. But here's the weird thing. This school had many hallways, and 2 floors available. I walked every last inch of this school like I knew the place, and never got lost, and I didn't even know where I was going. But at one point, I found myself just in a hallway, and I got a text, "Where did you go? You said you were going to the bathroom, and its been an hour". It had felt less than 10 minutes. Way less than that even. So I'd walk back, and when I'd get there, they would all act like they were worried or something.
Three of my friends went yesterday with me, and they all mentioned to me at one point that they were worried. Two of my friends were in Varsity, so they were both there as well, and they both said they were worried too. I had random moments of blacking out and zoning off, or getting dizzy, or most of all, shaking, shivering, and spazing every about 30 seconds or so. No idea why. But something felt wrong, like my body was shutting down, like I wasn't even me anymore.
I'm not claustrophobic, yet when we went to watch some shows, I was in this crowd of people that just wouldn't fucking move. And I started to panic. I took my friend's hand, and she guided me through the crowd, and I started getting frantic and hyperventilated a little. I lost her hand at one point, and I couldn't take it, I stood there and yelled her name and basically held back tears. It was awful. It felt literally like the walls were closing in on me and everything had this pressure, and I felt so small and invisible, yet hated and forgotten and ashamed of, like everyone around me at any point was just going to jump out and kill me. I felt like sinking. Sinking and screaming.
This was the moment when Matthew (who also went) decided to find me, but no, he didn't say anything, just grabbed my shoulders, and yeah I screamed and let a couple of tears go. He and Zoa, who he was sort of with every second yesterday, both said I looked like a scared puppy or something, and at this point, the one person I'm scared of more than anything was the LAST person I wanted to see at that moment. So I tried to get away from him and her, and I found my friend again, and I ran up to her and hugged her. I just wanted to get away from everything. Everything was so fucking loud, and I just wanted some silence. Everything was falling on top of me and I just wanted to step back. At one point in this gymnasium, I was walking under the bleachers to avoid the people, and I hallucinated, and basically started crying again. Zoa and Abby (that friend from before) both didn't understand, and when I sat in fetal, they just sort of watched me there. But not even I understood what was going on.
So I got more coffee. By this time, they said my face looked flushed and my eyes looked so tired. After a while, all I sort of did was watch my friends have a good time, and then I'd get up and walk around in this school like I was nothing at all. I met girls who didn't care, and guys who didn't either. Honestly, I don't remember their names, not that they remember mine. And every time I'd have to walk back to our room (our show choir's room I mean) I'd pass the stairs and there's the hallucination again. And eventually, I just stood there, and my friends all wondered "what the fuck is she looking at". "Tay, there's nothing up there". And I'd whisper, "yes there is" so they couldn't hear. We went to Varsity's second performance, and Matthew's mom ran into me, not literally I mean, but she saw me, and she asked if I was okay. Apparently it was horribly noticeable that I wasn't myself yesterday. But I think this might just be me. I am messed up, and I know I have problems, and maybe they've just come to the point where they're going to get worse and worse. After that, I went back to homeroom, and this is where things got even worse. My body started shaking uncontrollably, and I talked to Abby about my feelings and everything. Then Jack found us, and we all sat there, and I just talked out some things. Cody came around, and he saw me laying there, and he asked what was wrong. I answered, pretty much as Matthew and Zoa returned from fairytale land, that "You (Cody) think I'm a bitch. And I agree. I think I'm just depressing though. And probably pathetic." And I got up and walked away. Matthew followed me, and he wanted me to tell him what was wrong. I told him what Cody says, and I told him that my depression is sucking, and I said it in about 10 words or less. Very bluntly. And this irritated him, so he tried to get more from me, and I kept walking away. He literally took me by the shoulders and said flat out "I've been keeping you alive for months, Tay you can tell me whatever" and I walked away. He tried to hug me, and I wouldn't hug him back. I wouldn't hug anyone yesterday. I just shivered and shuttered and cried and drank my third cup of coffee. Then for the next hour, I pretty much laid on the floor, trying to not talk or cry or say anything stupid around all of them, and everyone just kept asking what was wrong with me. I kept thinking in my head "everything."
Three cups of coffee, and I wouldn't feel awake. I felt dead. Our show choir won THIRD PLACE (omygod :D YAY) and I wasn't even excited. I couldn't be.
On the bus ride home, I looked out the window for almost 3 hours straight. Maybe even more. I watched everything go by like yesterday was my last day to live. That's what it felt like. I couldn't sleep, like everyone else on the bus so easily could. I watched those red blinking lights in the distance or cars drive by carelessly, every walmart and gas station, and every star.
And every hallucination. People on the sides of the road. Not just people, ones in black creepy robes and faces that I really couldn't make out. They looked sort of like priests and sisters and other people, ready for funerals. That or demon casters, ready to kill me or something. One time, there was one really close to the window, and I had to grab my mouth so I'd be okay. I cried, a lot, and blasted music in my ears. Matthew looked at me a couple of times, but I wouldn't look at him, because he would see my tears. He would see that same fear he saw in me that whole entire day.
I slept about an hour and a half on this bus. It wasn't pleasant sleep (except that I was in my amazing knock-off snuggie and laying on his pillow), but the nightmare didn't wake me up either. I kind of wish it had.
But its sort of hard to think that my real life was almost as bad as my nightmares yesterday. Its just.... horrible. Anyways, I got barely any sleep, and then today I was expected to you know... do stuff. Like a birthday party for one. Ugh. Its 12:30 now, so I should probably get to bed so I can lay there endlessly, hoping nothing closes my eyes. For my own good. For everyone's.
