So, a lot has made this day so fucking ridiculously awful, but I'll survive I think. I now have to do my homework in the kitchen, I didn't get fuck for sleep, I barely made it through show choir, Mimi and I are on a break (something I actually understand), Justin Bieber is really fucking on my nerves, and I have to see my therapist again. POIUYTSDFGHJKVWE. All of it. Here I'll rant about it:
So, beginning of today, went something like this: woke up. Hello 3:35 in the fucking morning, hope you slept well because I FUCKING DIDN'T. Bloodshot eyes. Headache. Dog on my face....at least a cute dog.... anyways.
Ummmmm I'm once again single. .....go figure. Hey lets face it, she'll always be the best girlfriend I'll ever have (only cuz well... I don't exactly have feelings for any other girl....). It only lasted like... a month or so. Little less than a month I guess. Her Christmas/birthday gift isn't fucking here yet, super pissed off because it's not gonna mean the same as it would have if I gave it to her as a girlfriend. And lets face it, we had some cute ideas about being couple. And lets face it face it, I know I'll miss her as like... you know. But she says it will benefit us being alone for a while. I hope she's right.....
Um. What else. Oh. Show choir. Hm. So they decided that they were going to fucking spray paint today during our practice. Sure okay. Wasn't really aware that I am so fucking not-tolerant of fumes. Nearly passed out. Nearly threw up. Had to lay out in the hallway. Started crying. Felt stupid. So show choir sucked.
Ummmmm... I got home, heated up a piece of pizza, couldn't eat it. Couldn't eat fucking anything for how long now... long story. My dad asked me why I was being so bitchy. And I fucking started crying. So I told my fucking parents about my nightmares. About the damn fumes. About not sleeping at all. About some of my friends basically making me invisible. You know, Matthew, Elena, sometimes Kate, whatever. Jack is like.... one of the only one's right now that actually.... I don't know what it is with that kid but whatever it is he's keeping me from losing myself. I can tell him whatever, and he understands, and he'll just... idk.
I said that I can't sleep worth shit, I have nightmares nearly every night, my friends must think I'm either invisible or too fucking annoying or depressing or something. I told them that I can't eat anything now without feeling like I'm going to violently vomit, that I can't concentrate on school and I can't focus while dancing in show choir so I end up looking like spazzy shit.
My mom's advice: go to your friends and ask them what's going on, just ask bluntly, and hopefully you weren't a bitch and you're just overreacting. And watch your grades or you won't be able to perform or anything again. Then she suggested pills...She was the fucking one who took me off of them! My dad went bizerk because he doesn't think I should be on medications... He knows I have problems, why won't he let me try to feel better? Is is because of Morgan? I'm not like my sister, I'm not like Morgan, I just need help. K?
My dad's advice: stay out of your bed when you're doing homework, no just stay out of your room. And is your relationship (what the f?) with Jack (what the f?) affecting all of this? If it is, maybe that's why your friends aren't talking to you? Just try to get some sleep and eat and... focus on your school work.. we aren't expecting straight A's but.... (he just sort of trailed off)
By now, I was bawling for no real reason, just because I'm depressed and tired of feeling this... low. And he hugged me, and it scared me. I pulled away as fast as possible. My mom didn't do anything like that.... Um, so they're making me see my therapist again. I don't want to see her again, not after the last time.
Is it too much to ask that I just get a fucking break for once? Some real, peaceful, non-painful, safe sleep? Is it unlogical that life won't let me feel pretty or feel good enough or feel like I can pass high school and can dance and can make it through the next day? No screaming, no tears, no insults, no pain, no problems? -.-
Oh, one more thing, I am going to fucking lose it. okay, so I read, from one of my friends, that her friend is cutting herself for Bieber. so i looked it up... and dude. Justin Bieber smoked weed. Kay. So girls are inflicting pain on themselves because they are so torn up about this? I mean... seriously Bieber. I mean, okay, so I have a serious obsession to Gerard way. But girls are literally taking it out on themselves because he is not managing his health right...not only that, there's a guy on YouTube calling girls RETARDED for doing this. I hate Justin Bieber, but I almost hate this guy more. this is like the Marilyn Manson thing, a couple of girls went a little too far, but these girls aren't retarded. Seriously! "What the fuck girl... it looks like she has Satan on her arm! I mean, its like.... she slapped a heavy tampon on her arm, oh yeah gotta get moisturized, but it was a knife..what the fuck man! to the girl that did that, you're an idiot!.... when I have my kids, they aren't allowed internet."
Whew. Deep breath tay... I'm trying not to get triggered but even more than that I'm just having a fucking awful day and I need to cry more....I'm listening to Make Room!!! .....Thank you My Chemical Romance for.... rescuing me. I really do want help, I don't want a repeat of my relapses or of last year, I can't have that.... Mimi wants a break from drama and things, and I don't want to annoy my friends anymore. I miss them, really. I'm not using my disorders or my depression as an excuse for anything, but I just need a coping strategy besides falling lower in everything.
