warning: an other depressing rant!

I'm as depressed today as I was yesterday... I had decided to skip my lectures today, cause I just felt like staying in bed, but a friend from school called me and got me to go on the afternoon lecture... and I don't know if it did any good... =/ I talked a lot to the friend that called, and since she has borderline (almost out of it) she understand how I feel, but I still don't feel much better after talking to her... I still just feel like giving up on everything... I need to go to school tomorrow, since we have presentations, but I'm even not prepared for that yet.. so I probably do an awful one =(
I still just feel like no one really would miss me if I were gone... cause honestly, I'm replaceble, we all are, sure my friends might enjoy my company, but it's not like they wouldn't get over it (and get over it pretty fast) if I just stopped seeing them... that's just how it is... I have no one that would truely miss me, for any longer time, cause yeah, as I said, we're all more or less replaceble... with one or two exceptions maybe... like if it's the love of your life or something.. but I don't have someone that love me like that, and I probably never going to meet anyone anyway, cause I'm 22 and have never had a relationship, ever. and now everyone will think, just give it some time, you're going to meet someone sooner or later, but you know, I think I'm giving up... I've waited too fucking long, and never even found someone that tought it was worth trying to be in a relationship with me... the only guy I ever really liked said that he got together with his ex, which he didn't, but later he found a new girl anyway...
I'm diagnosed with depression, and eating antidepressents, wich helps a bit... but not enough... I've been feeling like this for about 4 years, and it really steals your energy... sure I have periods when I feel pretty good, but then something happens, and it can be the smallest of things, and I just sink back to depression once again.... I'm really tired of life, and yeah, I'm starting to get my suicidal toughts back.... and I just hate it =/ I wont kill myself, cause I know it would upset the people I care about, even if they would get over it... and the only times I lose it completly and have tried to really kill myself is when I've been drunk, so I've kind of stopped drinking at the moment.. but I still walk around all days just feeling like I want to sit down in a corner and cry =( or just stop getting out of bed in the morning, cause what does it matter anyway???
so now I'm home alone, in my bed and crying... fuck this world!!! it's like in one of my favorite songs, it's a swedish one: en mun är till för att kunna andas, ett hjärta är till för att inte stanna, men jag är förlorad i kriget med mig själv, but if I translate it, it goes somthing like: a mouth is for being able to breath, a heart is meant to keep beating, but I'm lost in the war with myself, and that's pretty much describes how I feel....
think I'm done with the venting and whining for now, if anyone read all of this, you're really awesome! virtual cookie for you! =)
take care!
xoxo