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Hidden Color's picture

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I feel like I'm slipping back into old habits....before my best friend found me and picked up my pieces around this time last year, I was on the verge of committing suicide. Something about summer just depresses me. I feel really, really lonely. All I've done all day is sit on my butt and sleep or eat or go on the internet, and it's killing me. The only reason I bothered to wake up yesterday is because my mom made me help with her garden outside and mow the lawn.
Speaking of my best friend...we used to be more than besties, but I broke it off. I broke it off for a few reasons: A) He wasn't the same guy that I wanted to date in the first place. He was always mushy and...weird. Just totally different. B) He lives over 1,000 miles away. C) Relationships come and go, and I want him to be there with me forever. I'm afraid that if we dated again and things didn't work out that it might get too awkward between us for comfort. Our original relationship went downhill at first because we got into a really big fight. It was ruining our friendship, which was the basis of our relationship, and I hated that. I can't imagine a world without him, and I don't want to. He's my big brother and my best friend rolled into one, and if I lost him I don't know where I'd be.
I feel terrible and worthless for hurting him. I love him like I've never loved anyone before...but not in that way. I just don't know.

Any tips, ideas, comments, or suggestions? Please help.