Chapter 7:
Perfect Imperfections.
I couldn't tell you how long we stayed there. Just crying. Well, mostly me. He had stopped shortly after we made our way to the floor. But me, I had been far from finished. It was the fact that someone, someone so imperfectly perfect, had seen me and had been able to look past the shitty outside to see the inside, that had made me cry. But now all the hurt over the years was keeping me crying. He saw how unhappy I was. And he actually wanted save me.
When Gerard said he wanted to save me, I didn't know exactly what he meant. "Saving" someone could mean so many things. What was he saving me from? My horrible job, my horrible apartment, my unhappiness, my loneliness, or myself? Probably all of the above. I was no help to my case. I had stopped trying to do anything that made me happy a long time ago. I wasn't trying to start a band anymore. I hadn't even touched my guitar in 3 years.
It still sat there, in the corner, waiting. And it actually did seem like it was waiting too. I'm sure if it could talk it would be yelling at me for not playing it, and to please pick it up again. But I couldn't. It hurt to much. It was pointless. What was I going to do once I did pick it up? It wasn't like I was going to play on the streets, catching peoples eyes and have them give me money. Or get 'discovered'. I was trying to hide, to blend in. Catching people's eyes was the last thing I wanted to do. And I was doing a pretty good job at it, or, so I thought.
I had caught Gerard's eye. I didn't blend in to him. In fact, I stuck out. That was hard to believe. He seemed to remember every detail of when he fist saw me. I couldn't be too stunned, I remember every detail of when I first saw Gerard. It seemed impossible to forget. He had said he slipped by without being noticed, no one seeing him, avoiding any and everybody. He was doing exactly what I was doing. But I couldn't see how Gerard could go anywhere without being noticed. He was like no other person walking around Jersey. Everything about him caught the eye. His style, his face, his eyes, his hair, his smell, how he carried himself, and just his presence. Everything. I couldn't see how he hid just as I, and be just as successful at it. But of course, he said he had been there before, just outside the window, and I hadn't seen him. And he made it sound like it was a daily thing.
That idea kind of creeped me out. Someone looking in the window every morning at me, and me not even knowing their there. But this wasn't just someone, this was Gerard, and he was anything but creepy. I couldn't see how I caught his eye though. I was nothing special. I was nothing like him. I was dull. And he even admitted I looked dull. Even though he didn't use those words, he could have. It would have saved a lot of time. I didn't have special eyes, I didn't have a graceful walk, I didn't carry a certain 'presence'. I was just kind of..there. But now that I thought about it. Neither did Gerard, really.
His walk was far from graceful, his posture wasn't proud and strong, his voice wasn't deep and daring, his face wasn't one of a models, and he didn't have thick muscles. He took long awkward strides, bouncing a long like he was a naive lanky child. He stood with his shoulders hunched over, it wasn't really slouching, but it didn't look natural or straight either. His voice, oh man his voice. It was one of the things that really gave me goose bumps, although I didn't know why. It didn't really have a pitch, it would dance around from being flat (which is what it was most of the time) to low when he was being serious, to high when he was being playful or happy. It was probably the nerdiest voice I had every heard. I couldn't put my finger on just how, but it was. It's what you expected a comic book nerds voice to sound like. He had a bit of a Jersey accent. It came out every other word. And he was no wear close to having thick muscles. He was a skinny and lanky. Which considering he wasn't tall, was a bit confusing.
And his face, well, it was a whole different story. No, it wasn't one of a models, it had way more character. Despite the angular edges, when he smiled he had the chubbiest cheeks. One an aunt or a grandmother couldn't help but pinch. His lips were thin and angular as well, but there was no chub there. They pulled down at the ends, in a way I had never really seen on anybody else. His nose was pretty normal, but had a bit of an upward point. And his eyes. Well fuck. It didn't matter if those eyes were on a man, woman, child, horse, dog, cat, or what ever else, they were just beautiful. Yes, I didn't like using that word but there was no other way to describe them. The greenish hazel just looked right through you and into what ever you felt. It was like they could see anything. Like as long as they were looking at you, you couldn't lie. They were to honest. They looked like they could see everything.
And then it occured to me. Gerard was far from perfect, but yet he was beautiful. This is what he had said about me. I was complete shit, and yet, he saw beauty. It was as if no one could see us but each other. We had only caught each others eye. We were the only people who thought the imperfections were perfection.
***
I opened my eyes slowly, trying to remember where I was. I brushed my hand over the soft black surface. It felt so warm again. Like nothing could hurt me. I didn't want ever move, this feeling was to comforting.
"I've never seen any body else cry for that long, you wiped yourself out." My heart jolted and my eyes widened. But I didn't move. I was still in the waking up process and I didn't have to see who it was. It was Gerard. I looked down to see his arms were still around me, like they were before I had fallen asleep.
Fuck. I can't believe I fell asleep! This was so embarrassing. Not only had I cried for probably hours in his arms, exposing myself and looking like a weak fuck, but I had done it till I fell asleep. And who knows how long that had been. But here was Gerard, still here, still holding me. God, I never thought this would happen in a million years. I couldn't tell what was more suprising. The fact that someone was holding me for hours on end ( a male at that), or that I was letting someone hold me at all. I had figured out that Gerard made me act different, made me feel different. But maybe it wasn't that he was making me act not like myself, maybe it was that he WAS making me act like myself, feel like myself. And god knows how long its been since I've been myself. I probably didn't even know what me was anymore. I know I didn't. Me was long gone. But something about being with Gerard made me feel..right. At first I thought it was wrong to feel this way. But maybe that was the not me thinking. It had to be. Cause now that I had already fucked the usual, I realized how right it really was. And that was scary.
"I- I'm sorry" I pulled away from Gerard and sat up. He was sitting, just leaning against the wall. He just looked at me with those eyes. And I couldn't help but feel happy. He looked very tired, the dark circles under my eyes were now on his.
"No, don't apologize. I can tell you really needed it." Gerard smiled trying to make me feel better. It was working. But I still couldn't shake off what had happened.
"You didn't have to- I mean- you could have asked me- I- moved me- I would have gotten off-" Gerard leaned forward with wide eyes and cut me off.
"Shhhh, no no no. It's fine really. It wasn't a bother. You needed to cry, and you needed to sleep." I just sighed and and looked down. He was trying so hard to help. I tried to cover up a smile, but realized there was no need for it anymore. I didn't have to keep hiding. What had felt wrong before wasn't me. I was with Gerard now, that means I was me now. And this felt right.
"Thank you" Gerard looked up and we crossed gazes. His smile became bigger and then twisted at the edges, the way you do when you want to smile big but you try to hide it.
"There's no need to thank me. I was just allowing you to do what you had a right to do all along." He looked at me and smiled like there was something that he knew that I didn't. And I couldn't help but giggle and smile back.
"What?" Gerard just shook his head. "Oh, nothing" His sly devious smile grew bigger and I just laughed again. What was it? Was I doing something? Or did he have something going on in his head I just didn't get.
He kept on looking at me that way but I was too tired to play games and try to figure him out. I realized it was very dark in the apartment and the only light I could see was the small lamp next to the couch. I looked up in the direction of the windows, my jaw dropped. It was black outside. The only thing showing was street lights. I looked around. Everything was dark, I could only see as far as the lamps light spread. Which ended half way through the kitchen and stopped at the small hall entrance. I whipped my head over to Gerard who sat up at the look on my face.
"What time is it?!?!" I said it much louder and more frantic that I would have liked. But Gerard didn't seem to offended. He just gave a half smile and leaned back on the wall.
"Why do you want to know?" Okay fucking really this again. I sighed and let out a whiny moan. My face had 'pleaasseee are you fucking serious' written all over it. Gerard just laughed.
"Gerard! look outside!" I pointed at the windows. "Its pitch black!"
Gerard looked over at the windows and nodded casually. "Hm, it is isn't it."
I huffed and stood up, Gerard just giggling watching what I was going to do. I stood up and walked over to wear Gerard had given me the time before. I spotted the Star Wars clock and picked it up trying to read it in the dark. Oh my god, It was later than I thought!
My jaw dropped again and I shot my head back at Gerard. Gerard opened his eyes big humorously in response.
"It's 2:30 in the morning!" I was nearly screaming this time.
"Oh my god!!!" Gerard lifted his hands up to his face mocking me. I just threw down the clock and walked back over to wear he was. He was smiling again. To no shock, he was smiling. He thought this was funny.
I didn't get him. And I didn't trust him. But fuck, did I want to be around him. This whole ' I want to leave, I don't really care about you' thing was a total act. I felt like a fucking teenager who had a crush. But I don't think this was was a 'crush'. I didn't know how I felt about Gerard. I knew when I was with him it felt wrong, but it felt right. It felt wrong because it did feel right. Fuck this was confusing. I always had my feelings down pat, I always knew what I was going to do. Now, everything was out of my control. What was happening, what he was doing, what I was letting him do, what I was letting myself do, even my feelings. My feelings were out of my control. And that was different, that was scary, and I didn't like it.
As I stood there over Gerard with him looking at me bright eyed and amused, all I wanted to do was crawl back into his arms. But I knew I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.
"I need to go." The last thing I wanted to do was leave, but I had to. I was letting myself be controlled by this guy. All he had to look at me, and what ever I felt and did was up to him. He had convinced me to skip work to stay longer, then I let myself stay in his arms till 2:30 in the morning. The thought of that still shook me.
Gerard just nodded his head. " And why do you need to go?"
I was shocked by his answer. Why did I need to go? Did he not know the time! He saw the confusion on my face but hid his usual smile. I furrowed my brows and shook my head. "Well, It's 2:30 in the morning and-"
"And why do you have to leave at 2:30 in the morning? I know for a fact you don't have to get up at 2:30 to go work, and it's not like you have anywhere else you need to go, and I also know it's not because you need to go sleep. You've been sleeping for hours. So, Helena, why do you have to leave?"
Fuck, he got me. There was no real reason why I needed to leave. I didn't want to, I just felt the need to. But there wasn't a real need to. Well, not one a normal person would have. And I couldn't explain to Gerard what was going through my head.
Wait.
Did Gerard just call me by my middle name? My mother used to call me Helena when I was in trouble, but Gerard was never around for that time. He shouldn't know my first name. I never even told him my first name. And you couldn't see my name tag from the window of the coffee shop. Who the fuck is this guy?
Gerard was still looking at me waiting for answer. He took my non reply as no answer.
"Ah, I got you." Gerard just smiled after that. His smile brought me the usual chills, but not the warm feeling. I looked at him nervously and shocked. He tilted his head in question.
"Gerard...how did you know my middle name was Helena?" Gerard stopped twirling with the piece of thread off his jacket. He snapped his head up at me realizing what he had said. He looked just as shocked and scared as I. His own jaw dropped opened as he tried to speak. But he could only let out small croaks. Then he shook his head his eyes darted every where. "Um-" He put his head down slightly and crushed his eyes shut, collecting his thoughts. He breathed slowly than opened them again, and caught my scared gaze. His eyes looked almost like they were pleading, pleading me not to looked scared. Similar to the look he gave me at the bar when he thought I was going to be looking at him like he was a monster. Then I wasn't, but now, I was pretty damn close.
"I- I didn't." He swallowed hard and shook his head. He could tell I didn't believe him. He sat up more and cleared his throat. Fuck, it was story time.
"I uh- I couldn't see what your actual name was. On your name tag I mean. I thought you looked like a Helena. I had..no idea that was your middle name." Gerard took his gaze off me and looked straight in front of him furrowing his brows and shaking his head. He was trying to figure all this out too.
"That's...crazy." I replied. I was doing the same. Gerard thought I looked like a Helena. Which I kind of was. My first name was Elizabeth, but Helena was in there. I always liked my middle name more, but I was just Elizabeth. I never thought of myself any different.
Just then Gerard laughed at himself. I shot my head down at him suprised. What was so funny. Well, this whole thing was funny, but I would never actually laugh at it. Gerard stood up from where he was sitting on the floor. He had that kind of smile where he knew something I didn't again.
He leaned over a little towards me, whispering. " I've been trying to figure you out for 5 months, I saved your ass, you slept in my bed, and slept on me for hours." I went hot and I knew I was blushing. But so was Gerard. " And we still haven't introduced ourselves properly. I only know your middle name, you only know my first. Don't you find that kind of funny?" I let out a small laugh. One much like Gerard had done moments earlier. He leaned back and gave me that 'I know something you don't' smile a little more. Than suddenly shot his hand out to me. He wanted me to shake it. I laughed again and rolled my eyes. We were going to introduce ourselves properly.
I took his hand gently, and shook it. "Elizabeth Helena Carter" What the fuck. I just gave a guy I've only known for a day, in Jersey, my full name. This was fully proving my point about me having no control.
Gerard thought about the name and smiled. "I like that" I went red again. God what the hell am I doing. He must really have super powers or something. I refused to even talk to people. Let alone do this. Feel this. Nothing good could come of this. I knew it. And, now that I thought back to it, so did he. He had said so. But he did it anyways. Hm, so this is his fault. I could be dead right now if it wasn't for him. I still didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. But its what I had wanted, and I was going to get it. But he decided to be a hero and save my ass and put himself out there. So this is his fault. He made me confused, angry, happy, nervous, pain free, comfortable, uncomortable, scared, no longer scared, safe, and exposed. It made no sense but yet, I couldn't pull away. He wasn't letting me. Thank fuck for that.
"Gerard Author Way" Gerard shook my hand just as soft and gentle. His name made me feel warm again. I don't know why, it's almost like I already knew what it was and just hearing him say it was comforting.
From the way Gerard had shook my hand, oh man, he had to be gay. I laughed at my own inside joke and looked back up at him. He was smiling like he waiting for me to tell him what was so funny. I just shook my head and smiled back.
"You don't look like an Author."
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