Chapter 6:
Gerard just looked at my nervously, yet sly. I was frozen. For second I was seriously about to ask "Oh I work there, which girl?", but quickly stopped myself blushing, realizing what he meant. I'm the only person he's talked to other than his brother? It's not like he came waltzing in, striking up conversation though. He hardly said anything. And it was his first time seeing me and all he said was "Straight up black coffee." And left before I knew it. He acted like I was bothering him, like he couldn't wait to get out. He was so lying. There was no way. And it was almost 4 when he came in, no where close to my usual 6:30 to 12 shift. So, maybe he wasn't talking about me...
Oh of course he was just look at him. He saved my ass then took me in, cleaned me up, and was now convincing me too stay even longer. But he hadn't talked to me at all. Just his order, then, "Gerard, I'm Gerard." It's not like he came in everyday and talked to me. No, not at all.
Gerard was still staring at me, he was growing more and more nervous by the fact that it had been a while. And I was still frozen. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to feel. His eyes were so trusting, so..sad. They looked worried, they looked beautiful. Fuck. That word again. I needed to end this now. I couldn't let him get to me. I needed to go back to my old life and forget about this. I needed to walk out that door. But i couldn't, I didn't want to. I wanted to keep staring into those hazel eyes. Thin strands of his jet black hair had fallen into his face, covering up some of them and breaking me out of my trance a bit. I finally found my voice.
"Oh." Oh? Really?!? All i could say was oh? Well, I didn't know what else to say.
Gerard just nodded and leaned back into standing up right. He had just put himself out there and all I could say was 'oh'. He looked like he regretted what he had just said. I couldn't stand the sight of him with that sad puppy look. It made me hurt.
Gerard opened his mouth to say something and my heart leaped. But he changed his mind and just turned around and made his way into the kitchen. He started to run water into his empty mug.
"Why me?" I finally spat out. Gerard snapped his head up and looked out the window and turned the water off.
"What?" If I didn't no better I would say he sounded upset. But there was a hint of hope in his voice. I shifted my weight and repeated myself.
"Why me? I mean...you've only seen me once. And you just said your order and acted like you couldn't wait to get out." Now it was Gerard's turn to be frozen. He just held his mug tightly and kept on looking straight in front of him at nothing. He then sat down his mug in the sink and cleared his throat. " This was not my first time seeing you." He turned and looked at me now. What did he mean? Richard (my boss) said he came in the same time everyday. That was my first and only time working past 12. He wasn't a stalker..was he? Gerard kept the serious lost look on his face and stepped back into the front room, not taking his eyes off mine.
He chuckled a little bit. " I'm not a stalker." Phew. "I take a walk every morning. Just to get inspired. It's kind of hard to be an artist and be inspired trapped inside a dull apartment. I go in the morning's cause that's when everybody's on their way to work. You see so many people. Business workers, New's teams, Children on their way to school." Gerard scoffed. " So many people are pissing their lives away. They look so unhappy trapped in those dark suit's. It's not inspiration for just art, it's inspiration to never do what they do. A reminder. Never do anything just because you think you have to or just the hell of it. Do what you love." Gerard said this like he was talking to me, and only me. It was meant for me. I felt my heart sink. That's exactly what I was doing. I hated my job. I wasn't doing what I love. I was pissing my life away. " One day, I wanted to take a new route. See some new people, some new places." He cracked a smile. "My nose lead me to none other than the coffee place. I go their every day, but never in the morning. Too many people stuffed in there. I just stopped in front of the glass and looked inside. It looked like a zoo in there. Lines of people in suits throwing there hands in the air yelling out their orders. It made me laugh. But then.." He was looking down and to the side as he talked. But now his eyes came to meet mine. " But then I saw the poor girl who was the victim to all the yelling and waving of arms. Taking everything with just a nod of the head. God I could never do what she was doing. I would killed them all before it was all over." I thought my heart was about to beat right out of my chest. He was talking about me. He made that obvious. How come I had never seen them before? It seemed almost impossible. " She didn't look like she was too pleased with them either. She had dark circles under her eyes, make- up obviously added to and never taken off from the night before. People usually have faint lines on their cheeks from where they smile and laugh, she had none." His face expression went from happy and calm, to sad and concerned. He wasn't looking at me anymore. He was not look at the floor, remembering everything. "She had jet black hair, clearly dyed. Her skin was much to pale to naturally have such dark pigment. It was back in a pony tail but strands were left covering her face, like she wanted to hide. Her short sleeved work shirt covered up most of her tattoos, but what looked like the start of a sleeve was showing. I'm sure she would have more if she could. Tattoo's are expensive." I looked down at my arms. Now that I had a tank top on you could see more of my tattoos, covering the tops of my arms, leading around shoulders onto my back. He was right. I did want more, much more. I couldn't afford that at all though. I looked back up at him. He looked pained, like something was causing him to emotionally hurt. His eye brows were furrowed like he was thinking hard. "She looked so sad. She looked so..broken." He closed his eyes now. I felt like my heart weighed a million pounds. I was hurting right a long with him. Yes, I was sad. But I never thought of it as being broken. But now that I thought about it, that's exactly what I was. Was it actually hurting Gerard to know how said I was? I felt tears start to form in my own eyes. But I wouldn't let them get any further, I couldn't. Crying was weakness. And I was weak enough already.
Gerard opened his eyes again, keeping his eyes in the same spot. " But I saw, under all that grime and dirt. Even with all that grime and dirt. She was beautiful. She was so broken, but so beautiful. She needed help, but she went unnoticed. I could tell that she had gone through so much shit, and hurt. But I couldn't pin point what. And while looking at her, with all those people yelling at her as she went back and forth filling up coffee after coffee. I couldn't help but...just..." Gerard looked up at me. He had tears in his eyes too but he didn't look like he was fighting them to much. " I just wanted to save her. "
My heart became to much to carry, and I fell to my knees. I was trying to process everything he was saying but I couldn't. It didn't make any since. I was so ugly. I was so obviously, as Gerard had said, broken. There was no fixing me. There was no saving me.
I was finding it hard to breathe, I just kept shaking my head looking at the floor. My vision was becoming blurry and I knew that I was going to cry. I was doing everything in my power to keep them back but they kept coming. No, No! I can't cry no. Not here, not in front of him, not because of this!
"And when I walked in yesterday and saw you sitting there with your head back and eyes closed...I felt like my chest was going to explode. I wanted to save you, for the longest time, but when the chance came...I..I" Gerard voice was breaking and even though I wasn't looking at him I knew he was crying. "I couldn't even look at you. I was scared if you saw me you would see everything. I wanted to save you, when you looked at me I only wanted you too see a hero. But...as I finally was in the same room as you, I realized I was no hero. And hell, I certainly don't look like one. I'm nothing. I'm a failing artist. A alcoholic. How the hell am I supposed to save someone when I can't even save myself?" He sounded disgusted in himself. I looked up at him now. He was looking down at the ground, tears running down his face. My heart ached. I was doing this to him. I wasn't worth this. He was worth this. At this point I was pretty much fucking the fact that I didn't care for anybody. For some reason, right now, I cared for Gerard. I needed to. He was hurting and I felt the need to make it better.
When he walked in yesterday, what I saw was far, far away from a pathetic alcoholic. I saw a greater being. I was drawn to him. It was almost like I didn't feel worthy of him. And he's telling me that's, in one way or another, how he felt. Well, no, it wasn't. He saw that I was the complete shit of the world. But that's why he was drawn to me. What the fuck? I couldn't even get a grip on any of this. I looked as Gerard as a greater being, greater beings didn't cry. But here he was, putting himself down, breaking down, crying.
" And when I walked in the bar last night. I was so ready to get drunk. I was so ready just to die. The thing I was living for I had let slip from my fingers. And I was setting no expectations. Then I heard the loud crash. To find you laying on the ground. I couldn't believe it. I almost felt like I was given a second chance. And when I saw him pick you off the ground like that.." Gerard shook his head and he was almost growling through his teeth. "I could tell you had given up. I was too late. I wasn't quick enough to save you. When he threw you like that..and all those beer bottles cut you. You looked just as broken on the outside as you did on the inside. You were gonna let him finish you off." Gerard's anger simmered back down to sadness and concern." I couldn't loose my chance again. I had to do something. You had given up, it was my chance to save you. I had to. And that's when everything..just..happened. I didn't even realize what was happening till he was on his knee's bleeding. I couldn't believe I had just done that. I still can't. I was so scared that I went from being a hero to a monster. I looked around to all the horrified faces. And couldn't imagion what it would feel like to see you look at me that way. But when I turned my head to look at you... you weren't looking at me like I was a monster. You didn't look horrified. You were just in disbelief. Which was good enough for me." Gerard scoffed, and wiped his face. Trying to remove some of the many liquids covering his face. His eyes were still watery and his face was still damp. "And when I was carrying you back to my apartment last night, and washed you off, and was actually able to touch you..." I stood up now, my knees were still weak but I had to. His eyes met mine and they shot through me, like the first time had looked at me. "I could feel your brokenness. I felt it in my hands. You were right in my hands and I knew...i know..I just.." He was talking fast and choppy now. I was shaking my head. This was so much all at once. Just a few moments ago he was a complete stranger that was making sly comments and begging me to stay. Now he was in tears and telling me how much I meant to him. That he wanted to save me. It was so wrong.
I put my hand over his mouth to keep him from talking anymore. He was just upsetting himself. It was my turn. "No...no no no. I'm not worth this Gerard. Yes, I'm broken. Yes, I'm sad as fuck. But just look at me. There's no fixing this! Now I don't know who you think is standing in front of you right now. But my name is Elizabeth Clark. I've been treated like shit and forgotten since I was a child. I've been told my whole life I'm nothing and fuck I get that. I accept that. I moved out the second I could thinking I was actually gonna go somewhere. Actually be in a band. But obviously that didn't work. Now, as you've stated, I'm pissing my life away. Killing myself one beer at a time. Yes, Gerard, I've given up. I have nothing left. Nothing. So, how can anyone save me, when there's nothing to save." I was no full on crying. God I hate myself. I was weak. My vision was blurry now, but I could see the pained look on his bruised face.
"There's no saving me." I repeated and fell back to my knee's. I couldn't support my own weight and my full attention was now on crying. I hadn't cried in years. And all the pain over time was just pouring out. Fuck I didn't care if he was looking, I didn't care if I looked weak. I just needed to cry.
I felt a hard fabric brush over my arms, and embrace my tightly. A tight warmth surrounded me, but still gave me goose bumps. I didn't need to open my eyes and look up. I knew Gerard was hugging me. Usually I would have pushed a person away who tried to hug me. But the 'usual' could go fuck itself right now. I needed this. As much as I hated it, all of this was out of my control. And I was going to let it be out of control. Gerard's grip tightened as my sobs became louder. Everything hurt so much. And Gerard's touch, like it did the night before, was helping with the pain. Fuck it. I fell into his arms and rested my head in his chest. It caught him a bit off guard but he quickly resituated himself onto the floor.
It was there I realized, he was just as broken as me. We both needed saving. I could feel the brokenness in his body. But I could also feel how strong it was. It was so warm and capable of so much, but it couldn't do it alone. Maybe this is was he felt in me. Although I couldn't understand how. I couldn't tell you how long we were going to sit there, crying into each others arms. But I wasn't going to break away anytime soon. It was here, with him holding me tightly, that it was the first time I had felt safe in Jersey.
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wow...haha. I felt like I could have done better with this chapter. but I was kind of rushing it because i didn't have that much time. but i hope you guys liked it(: please leave a comment telling me what you think! :D <3
