The World Is Ugly, But Your Beautiful To Me: chapter 19 (leave comments!)


Chapter 19:
Curled Up In A Ball I Give Up

The day went on, but not as usual. Instead of thinking about how much of a fuck up I was, I thought about the guy at the end of the counter. Instead of hating everyone around me, I laughed at how idiotic and stupid they look from the coffee shop window.
When the morning rush was over, I walked over to where Gerard was and rested my arms on the counter. Gerard looked up from his drawing and gave me a lop sided smile. "You've survived another attack of the black ties."
I laughed. "Barely."
Gerard closed his sketch book and rested his arms on it.
"What were you drawing?"
He didn't look at all like he heard me, just looking at me with a stupid grin on his face. "You know, I got used to you with your hair down. It's a shame you have to keep it up in that pony tail." He was changing the subject.
"Gerard. I know you don't give a fuck about my hair. What were you drawing?"
He sighed and gave me sarcastic shocked look. "Of course I do! How could you say such a thing?"
I rolled my eyes and reached for his sketch book, because obviously he wasn't going to show me. But right before I got to it he yanked it back and put it in his lap under the table. "Dude? I've seen your drawings already, their good, why not?"
He gave me a knowing face "It's not ready yet."
"You can show me anyways."
"Its not read yet." He repeated. I gave up and let him be.
"Anyways, how you holding up over here, I can't be in here that long, and im working, not just sitting there doing nothing like you."
He laughed and shook his head "Nah, I'm drinking coffee and drawing, don't really need much more."
"Not to mention you get to watch me all day." I joked and twirled my hair looking up at the ceiling.
He laughed and leaned forward. "Oh of course."
He kissed me softly, just because we hadn't in hours. But just as he leaned in harder and the kiss deepened, a marsh mellow hit me the head.
I broke away from Gerard and whipped my head in the direction it came from. But just as i did, another one hit me.
"What the fuck?"
"You know that leads to?!" Richard called from across the counter with his hand in a marshmallow bag.
"Richard I wasn-"
"BABIES! It leads to BABIES!" Richard threw more mini mellows at us. I heard Gerard giggling behind me.
"Oh god fuck you man!" I took one of the leathal marsh mellows and started to throw it at Richard, but stopped. "And you know what, I'm eating these too."
Richard just shook his head and walked into the back.
When I turned back to Gerard he was still giggling but now was taking a sip of his coffee. "Here's some leathel marshmellows" I dropped them into his coffee and he shook his head and put the mug down.
"You know what, I think I like Richard. At first he scared me to be honest, him being big and the beard and all."
I rolled my eyes and looked towards the back then back at Gerard. "Yeah, the all mighty marshmellow throwers gonna kill us all." I threw a mini one at his head and we both laughed.
Gerards face suddenly mellowed and he looked down across the counter and sighed. "I haven't laughed like this since I still lived with my brother."
By then I had stopped laughing and looked at him with interest. Gerard always talked of his brother like he was really close to them, so it surprised me he wasn't actually with him.
"We were uh, like best friends when we were younger. Well I mean, we still are, we just don't see each other as much anymore. It's been a year since I've seen him now....Mikey." The smile disapeard slowly off his face and he looked down at the ground. "I'm happy for him ya know? Like, him being out on tour and stuff. Having a beautiful girl who's good to him...." Gerards face suddenly looked blank, with no emotion. Still facing the ground. It almost didn't look like him anymore.
"I wish I had a beautiful girl who was good to me. Someone to love me and make me feel like I am something more than the kid who was kicked out of his house for.. for...FUCK!" He slammed his fists down on the counter and ran his hands through his hair breathing hard.
I thought I was scared of Gerard when he stabbed the guy back at the bar, that was nothing compared to now.
"Gerard..I...I'm so sorry I thought I- I mean I didn't realize that I wasn't your um...I mean Gerard I'm here for you, you have me and I know-"
"You know who the fuck am I kidding? I can't compare to Mikey. He's fucking Mikey Way right! That's what Dad would always say anyways. Mikey Way can do no wrong. no.. no. I'm happy for him I really am I love him more than myself. It's just...I wish I could do something you know. I'm just a huge disapointment to my parents. I can't sing, can't play guitar, wasn't good in school, to them my drawings are shit! What I do isn't art its disturbing cartoons. Fuck...I can't even fall in love right..."
I stood there close to tears. Clenching a mug in my hands. I was frozen. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Had I been wrong this whole time. Gerard didn't look or sound anything like himself right now. But it was Gerard. And this is what he really thought apperently. He always looked so happy and was always helping me out with my shit, he apeared to have all his shit together for the most part. What...what was this?!?
"Ger...Gerard" I was sniffeling by this point. "What do you mean you can't fall in love right...?" This could not be happening. There is no way someone made me feel something for once, made me actually fucking smile, and everything else I did that I would never fucking do. Please...this can't be a mistake.
Gerard just started laughing hysterically. "God! worst part is that I can't even kill myself right!" He went back to laughing.
My heart sunk into my stomach. I couldn't see anything...not much. Just Gerard..kind of. I couldn't feel anything, other than a cold wetness making its way down my cheeks. And breathing was something I forgot existed.
" who can't fucking die from drinking bleach! Like what the fuck right?! I take a full bottle of pain killers and some ass hole who just so HAPPENS to be a fucking nurse finds me in a back alley and pumps my stomach! I try to jump out of a window and....." He got quiter and stopped laughing, now he had a stern almost angry look on his face, still not looking towards me, just through my stomach. "and Mikey throws himself under me..."
Nothing but silence and the shuffeling of people in the back filled the room. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating 5 minutes ago.
"Please" my voice was hardly heard and nothing more than a croak. " Gerard, please...please stop. I don't think-"
"FUCK YOU! Just...wanna....DIE! I have NOBODY! The only two people I have ever really given a fuck about are half way across the country and somewhere I have no CLUE because I can't see them!" he stood up out of his stool." Because my parents said it was DIRTY and DISGUSTING and DISGRACEFUL! IM FUCKING DISGRACEFUL AND WILL NEVER BE LOVED AND I. WILL. NEVER. LOVE.ANYONE!"
A loud crash cut off his rampage. Broken mug covering the floor. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. Blood dripped from Gerards face. He didn't move. He was in shock. His mouth hung open slightly making his mouth fill with the red liquid.
"What in the HELL is-" Richard stopped and looked at us in shock. I burst out crying with such power that it sounded like a scream. I fell to the floor shaking and crying to the point breathing wasn't an option. The way I was wailing was the most embaressing thing I had ever expierienced. My shaky arms slowly lifted to my head in fists and I pushed down on my head and let out a pig like squeal through the crying.
Gerard still stood there frozen.
I could barely hear Richard screaming what happened and the others rushing over to help Gerard. I could barely hear them asking why I through the mug at his head and why was there screaming. Richard forgot about Gerard for the moment and came over to me. Forcing down my fists that were close to shattering my skull. And trying to get me to a point where I could breathe properly.
Richard reached up to touch my face to get me hold still. "NO!" I screamed, causing the other workers to whip their heads around and watch as I ran out of the cafe sloppy and shaking and ran through the cold. I ran past two builings and turned down a alley that I couldn't know where I couldn't recall its surroundings if I tried. I couldn't see anything, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't feel.
I like to think my tears froze on my face. The cold air was blissfully freezing me back to numbness. Feeling was escaping my body through every tear, every shake, every wail, in each exhale.
Curled up in a ball in a New Jersey alley is where I finally learned life's lesson, and where I was slowly, and happily, feeling nothing.
let me just not update for 10000 years than leave you with this right? sorry. I promise you the end is no where near. (que the "phewwwss") i didn't like this chapter either but it will all be explained in the next chapter I promise. it all seems weird and like WWTTFFF i know but it will make since soon. As always i love you all so much you keep me happy and writing new chapters, so PLLLEAASSSEE leave comments and thoughts. thanks:) <3 -helly