I flee to, I flee to decemberunderground.

GhostOfSasha's picture

I flee to, I flee to decemberunderground.

Things have gotten much, much worse since I wrote that blog post a couple of months back about breaking things off with my boyfriend. I understand that this is the last place to turn to for me to speak, but I'm honestly so god damn lazy to even do that. I don't have enough motivation to even talk about the turmoil that's swirling around me like pesky summer time bugs. And I bet people won't show too much interest in this post either. Probably because I'm not directly screaming out for help like I did in that other blog so everyone will just scroll past this. I haven't really said anything in a while. Not only on this, but in real life too. I've sorta cut myself off from the rest of the world. Everyday I'm living in a dark, cold, internal winter that is slowly spreading like a disease to the outside world too. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I can't trust anyone at all because everyone I've put my trust in, ultimately betrays me. Not like I had a 4 foot thick stone wall around me to begin with. I just want to run away somewhere where I don't have to worry anymore. I don't want to think or feel. I don't want to laugh or cry. Or see or smell or taste. I just want to be. I want to create an eternal winter for just me. And lay there in the beautiful soft snow as it falls all around my body and face. And nothing changes, nothing grows old or ugly or fake. Everything is black and white and magical...and alone. So I flee to my own decemberunderground in my mind and that's how I've been living for a while. If you wanna here about my life outside the wintry land that I made...well here it goes.

I broke up with the love of my life boyfriend in July cause he cheats, lies, was in a relationship whilst still being with me, etc. etc. I was miserable but completely kept him out of my life. We didn't talk until a day in September after school ended when he texted me. I ignored him. This went on for a few days. I finally answered and I was pretty mean to him, but can you blame me? Then after a while I became nicer and he confided in me his deepest apologies, how much he misses me, how he knows we could never be together again but he wants it more than anything, how he is really unhappy with his current girlfriend, how he loves me and not her and has told her that, etc. etc. Well we eventually became friends again and he broke up with the girl in November. He said he wanted to try and work things out with me but I was super hesitant and just let things take its course. After a while, I warmed up to the idea and although nothing was official, we were approaching that stage again till out of nowhere he told me he was going through a lot of his own issues, he was depressed, and he wanted time alone. I was heartbroken again and quite pissed off cause he played me. But in the end, I respected his decision to not want to be in a relationship with anyone but have time alone. I went into another spiral after that and was quietly sent to the hospital but no one really knows about that. Then less than 2 weeks after he tells me he doesn't want to be in a relationship, I go on Facebook to see that he's in a relationship with the other girl again. And I lost it.

I confronted him asking him what the hell his problem is and why he insists on lying and hurting me all the time and that he disgusts me and shouldn't be in any relationship cause he's too immature and doesn't know how to treat people. All of this shit is 120% true and stuff he needed to hear. And then he blew up at me and said the most horrific things a person can ever be told. He said I was a stupid whore, a judgmental hypocritical bitch, his life is gonna be so much better than mine, I deserve nothing good to come to me, the only people in the world that like me want to fuck me, and that he's gonna make my life a living hell. This was reported to the school, his parents, and mine. And now we have restraining orders against each other. I told the people who I was talking to at my school that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, and he actually told them the same thing.

So now we're completely erased out of each others lives. And I understand that I have intense amounts of anger and hate towards him for doing what he did, but do you have any idea how much this hurts? We went from being completely in love and seeing each other LITERALLY EVERYDAY. To totally deleting ourselves and any memories we have of each other from our lives forever. And the 1 friend I told, and the adults, and the school doesn't understand that. They just think I did the right thing in reporting what he said to me and they're glad that I took a toxic person out from my life but they don't realize that although he's toxic, I still loved him. And I didn't want our relationship to turn out this way. I didn't want the first person I loved to be a bad memory who I'll never talk to again.

Calm down.
Come down cold resides with me.

I flee to, I flee to decemberunderground.
As you exhale, I breathe in and sink into,
The water underground,
And I grow pale without you.