Freshman Orientation

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Freshman Orientation

8th graders:
Listen up, you awful fucks. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you.
You know all those rumors about kids getting shoved in lockers and about how nobody gives a shit in high school? They're true. Nobody gave me any advice for how to deal with Freshman year, so I'm going to coach you.

1. Don't expect teachers to give a shit about you or your problems. Nine out of ten times, they don't. However, if you end up with amazing teachers who talk to you like you're human, consider your ass blessed.
2. Getting shoved in lockers isn't fun. If it's a guy, kick him in the balls and run to the office. If it's a girl, punch her in the boob. Guys, you will never know how much that hurts. Take every pain you've ever felt, emotional or physical, and slap it on your chest. That's the sum of it.
3. Try not to miss school as much as possible. Even if you hate school, endure it. If you skip school, your grades will spiral downward into a pit of nothingness. Even in ROTC, because all you do is show up.
4. If your parents don't understand why you hate school, or why you can't understand your homework, it's not because they don't care. They don't remember how bad school was. My mom told me if I hated school so much, that I should try to graduate early. I'm failing two courses Mom- that's not likely!
5. If you have homework, DO IT IMMEDIATELY WHEN YOU GET HOME. Procrastination is another reason I'm failing.
6. If someone asks you out and you don't like them, turn them down. Don't claim that you're dating you best friend. Then they'll wait for you. Like with Josh and Colton and Brownie. -_-
7. Don't pass notes in class. End of story.
8. Although my heart says different, follow the dress code completely. Don't argue with the office staff when you're told to call your mom for new pants. I was wearing a mini skirt with leggings- why is that not allowed? A girl got away with wearing an 'I <3 VAGINAS' shirt. What is this fuckery?
9. Stay invisible in high school. If people know you, it's more likely they'll destroy you.
10. Though the pain and the tears shed, try to break though and be free. Live life and graduate on time. But pay your library fines and leftover expenses, otherwise they'll hold your diploma.
And then you go to college and worry about student loans. Fun, fun.