sorry for using the mcrmy as councilling...

fallenangel1xxx's picture

sorry for using the mcrmy as councilling...

Well here’s how it is, i used to feel lonely but i feel like i’ve gotten so used to being lonely that i hardly acknowledge it and the pain of it is just a symptom of being alive, and i’m too exhausted to cry about it. I guess more than anything i feel numb but today i realized just how alone i am, it’s not that i want to kill myself (despite someone on ask.fm keep telling me to) it’s kinda like if i got hit by a bus and briefly died but could be resuscitated (i dont believe in ghosts really) i would have my ghost possess the head doctor and make him tell the other doctors i couldn’t be saved. My friend who i rarely see so much since he stopped coming town much keeps asking what’s wrong and part of me knows i can trust him but i thought i could trust my other friends but i was proved severely wrong as after i told him a secret and he told everyone, apparently i'm not allowed to be upset, i want to cry and tell him how fucked up my head is right now but i can’t because that would make me weak and i couldn’t lay that on him, i want to tell him or someone how i feel, i want to know why i feel this way, i want to tell them everything, all the shit that’s happened over the last ten years but if i did i could lose my friends, i confide in the mcrmy a lotand it helps but i feel like college is going awful, i can’t concentrate because my nan has really bad pneumonia and she’s really sick and i can’t cope anymore and just want to get out of here so badly!!! I hate myself and i’m such a fucking fuck up!! I don’t know if i want someone to sit with me and tell me it’ll be okay or if i want to lock myself in my room, alone until everything bad goes away!