*sigh*

TO EVERY ENEMY's picture

*sigh*

I hate my anxiety.
I hate the way it makes it hard to breathe, how it makes me feel like I'm underwater, drowning, and everyone else is happily filling their lungs with oxygen.
I hate how I can't do anything fun, because I over analyze everything and it throws me in a state of panic that I can't claw my way out of if I tried.
I hate how I feel like people are always staring at me, judging me.
I hate how I care.
I hate how I know that I'll never be able to do anything in life because I can't even leave the house without my throat closing up and my lungs constricting, making it so I'll never be able to leave my hometown.
I hate how I can't tell anybody because I'm supposed to be the happy one, the one who's strong for everyone else, the one who's getting her friends through their problems.
I hate how I feel so guilty, so fucking guilty if I try and tell one person that I'm panicking because I feel like they'll be disappointed in me. I feel like if I tell someone, one of my friends, they'll just reply with a "That's nothing, wait til you here about this thing that happened to ME--"
I hate how I don't want medication because I don't want to turn into someone else, I don't want to have to carry around the burden of small pills that make me someone I'm not.
I hate how my anxiety is part of who I am.
I hate how I WANT to take medication because maybe then I could be better, maybe then people will finally pay attention and realize that I'm suffocating.
I hate when people give me attention.
I hate when people don't pay attention.
I hate feeling like I need to try to squeeze into the social pyramid. I'm not punk enough to be punk, I'm not cool enough to be popular, I'm not goth enough to be goth, I'm not sporty enough to be an athlete.
I hate every piece of my mind that is twisted or messed up in some way that I'll never be able to fix.
I hate it.