So its my birthday..

EvanBlack's picture

So its my birthday..

... I feel like crap and I don't want to do anything today..

I thank you guys who enjoying my blogs, but I don't even know what I am rambling about. It seems that everything I say is all very entertaining but what am I doing really to actively help in anyway either...

I am not good at much, I need to go to work and help them there but I just can't stop feeling sick and sad, even this feeling is frustrating for me because it just makes me feel worse... its like a constant spiral of self hate... I keep finding the next step down because the last step just wasn't enough stupid selfish pain that I feel for my own life when actually I shouldn't complain...

At least I have people interested in me..... i guess... but I am so useless what can I do here... from here.. what would I do when I got there? Nothing probably too.

I wish I could just find a building where everyone there is like a small community and each one helps each other find meaning and purpose without pressuring someone else.

Even my own views, the only reason I am posting them here is because this is all the stuff I think about and I don't want to tell anyone because I hate people trying to tell other people "The way it should be"

Who am I to say whats right or wrong.. its not even that, I am just wanting better suggestions to life. I know that if I am suffering like this, then their must be thousands more suffering much worse. How come we have to suffer ever?

If I was a politian, I think my slogan would be, "Hey, I may not know what the hell is going on, but I am open to suggestion on what we should do about it."

I think people should be more involved, even though I am not involved in politics because what can I do? I am just one person right? But then I think.. well so is everyone else... what are they thinking? If its the same then maybe I should go get a lottery ticket right now.

Who ever reads this blog, go out a buy a real lottery ticket, I know its gambling, I know it supporting the beast, blah blah, whatever... go out but a super lotto jackpot ticket.. What are they like $4 lol, I remember when that was a lot of money, but I was like 7 when that was. But it was only a lot of money to me. I never had more then a few quarters, so getting $4 is like winning the jackpot.

But then take that four dollars, make a $4 dollar investment, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY LOSE! I mean, DON'T spend ALL your money, because then its a real gamble.

I don't buy lottery tickets... I think its the self loathing that makes me think I can't win. Even though my odds of winning are the same... even though my chances of winning are increased over time through process of physical nature..

Example:
100 people buy a ticket you have odds 1:100

but lets say more realistically a billion people buy one ticket. Now we have a 4 billion dollar jackpot. but also now our chances of winning have increased to like 10 : 1,000,000,000

now let say, every other month you buy 1 ticket.

Well you just increased your odds of winning by a factor of times 3 (randomly generated numbers are cool) so now EVERY time you buy a ticket, you have a chance increased by 3 times so while each individual ticket is only

10:1,000,000,000

your yearly chances are now

6*3*10 : 1,000,000,000
or

180: 1,000,000,000

for those math geeks, convert that into the odds of winning on 1 ticket, in an entire year if you buy 1 every other month

Now the reason why this is true is simple.. people think just because they buy 1 ticket ever and lose then they must not EVER be able to win.. but if you spend $4 every other month on a ticket, then you have increased your chances dramatically. The longer you play the better chances of winning.

Its like a game of russian roulette, except everytime you don't win, (or lose, depending on your perspective) then the you spin the cylinder again. The bullet gets moved to a new place.. but the your odds on each play are the same, if you only played once every month even you would probably respect life for each time the gun didn't kill you. But maybe not if your like me.

But unlike the lottery, russian roulette can be played consistantly, which increases your odds over time. Because if you keep spinning that chamber everytime, then there is a chance you can sit there for years and never die, but there is a chance that the first time you pull that trigger all that potential energy that is stored in that powder is sent into excitement and the bullet gets pushed though the barrel.

If time was slowed down you would look into the barrel and watch this bullet slowly come toward your eye, you could try to stick your finger in there to stop it but the only likely thing that will happen is when the bullet meets your finger it will keep on moving into it trying to push it out but the problem is, your finger doesn't move at the velocity of the bullet, so now the molecules have no choice but to be pushed out of the way of the bullet that wishes to occupy that space.

Sometimes I go off on so many things I don't even know what I am talking about, its like I am constantly zooming in and slowing down time in different areas of my mind that have all these crazy ideas about everything.

Something that might prove much more useful.

Take care of your children. If you have a child, make sure they know you love them. Don't guess. Don't think, "Oh they are my child they must love me." That kind of thinking is a trap. You don't realize that this person that you brought into this world has literally NO CLUE how he got there, why, but he also doesn't care. He didn't even know that caring about how he got there was even a possible way of thinking. He can only know as much as you teach him. So if you ever see a child and think "That kid has no common sense about him." Well it surely isn't the child's fault. How the hell is he going to know any different if no one explains it?

Everyone expects the new ones to just know and understand. Do you really think thats how you thought when you were a child? Did you for some reason have an extra ordinary understand of everything with no help at all with why and how things are?

Just recently I've been looking in the mirror and just realized how I would look if I removed all my skin. It would be kind of freaky but why? Why is that scary? Its still me, I am still human, I haven't changed at all.. The only difference is, is now my skin is gone. God I know how I would feel if I saw a skinless man walking around I would be like "WHOA! Look at that freak!" But honestly I'd not say it but what ever I just said it so that must be something. WHO KNOWS.

Honestly. I have been thinking about everything since I was little because I can't seem to understand any of it. I mean I get it sure. But I don't understand it..

Here is life in the way I see it..

Birth:
We are born with no intelligence. Not knowing anything.. the first thing we feel is the first thing we learn. Life is painful.

Baby:
Everyone around you holding you want touching you and laughing and playing and everyone wants to know your name, how old you are, how much you weigh, every little fucking detail like your a product of invention.

Toddler:
The cuteness of your existance has wore off on your parents because they just spent the last two years trying to figure out why your crying all the time.. NEWS FLASH PEOPLE! BABIES CRY! THATS WHAT THEY DO! They don't know how to communicate any other way. Stop getting mad when they are still trying to learn how to express themselves to you... Did you know that crying is our native language? OUR NATURAL HUMAN LANGUAGE! EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT CRYING MEANS!

Toddler extended:
Keeping on this topic because its the most important stage of life. Toddlers have a craving for knowledge and understanding. They will do everything and anything to figure out how all the crap around them works. GIVE THEM SOMETHING AND TEACH THEM SOMETHING! Why do you think that children love going places... ANYWHERE.. you could take them to the bathroom in walmart and they will be fucking amazed! They have no idea what tile is. They only ever seen the toliet(s) in your home. They can't even tell what the hell that silver thing on the wall that looks like a big water faucet with a push button is.

"Push button, receive bacon.. yum"

Children love to learn, be more open with them and stop being so selfish with your time. Children don't take too long before they are at a point when they have enough pre-knowledge of the world to work out their own ideas and conclusions.

I would never know what 1 + 1 was until I found out that 1 meant a single object. Single object, what the hell does that mean? Then they put a block in front of me and said "One" and then added another and said, "Two" and then added another and said "Three" thats when I was like "OH I GET IT! ITS THAT PATTERN OF WORDS!" For each time that something else shows up in this area that is considered addition, everytime I take something out of this area its known as subtaction.. OH and NOW you tell me these are tools that I will learn to use everyday? I get it but now that I know that what else is there?

No longer the baby:

So now I am forced into a new situation. All these people, who the hell are they.. you mean to tell me.. THESE PEOPLE ARE DECIDING MY FUTURE?! God.. I know that I am only 8 but PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME! Social ackwardness... usually comes from non social parents who don't understand that children HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON! Now your probably saying, "I knew what was going on all the time." So did I but that doesn't mean I understood WHY it was happening, or even HOW it occured. I just knew that it was happening... I knew that this was what was going on, I wasn't blind to it. I just didn't understand WHY it was happening the way it was. I still don't and I don't know WHY!!! no one is answering this question.

I wonder around trying to understand why these people want to be friends with each other. All I do is wonder why. Why this, Why that, How come this, How come that? Then I get answers like, "Because I said so." or "Because thats just how it is." or "Because your the child and I am the adult" or even "When you get older you will understand."

Ok... so.. I thought maybe that last one would make sense, I mean it was an answer at least that gave me reason to think I will EVENTUALLY get an answer.
But now I am older and I just want to go back and kick everyone in the balls because I STILL don't know. How much older do I have to be before it makes any freaking sense.

Teenagers scare the shit out me:

Who else in the world is more fucked up in the head that a teen who is still trying to discover why he even exists. I know every teenager wonders this.. most can't cope with it and kill themselves or do drugs. You know... maybe there is a pattern here.. oh wait.. there is.. NO ONE TOLD US WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON! So we go up to other people, WHO HAVE NO CLUE EITHER! and ask them. "Hey man.... do you think that girl over there likes me?" ... "How the hell should I know, why don't you go ask her?" .... "Nah man... what if she doesn't like me..." ... "So what?" ... "What do you mean so what, what if she tells everyone some stupid story and now my reputation is fucked and everyone will believe her because she is pretty and popular, but because her other friends she won't even try to know I exist, she doesn't see the fun guy I am, she just sees the poor clothes and messy hair and the dirt." .... "I see your point... and by having this appearance is not going to help you later in life either."

Wait... what? Your telling me.. I can't wear dirty clothes because OTHER people don't like it? I can't have holes in my pants because OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THAT! But now its more... "whatever.." I couldn't change it then...

I wonder about you girls sometimes.. Have you ever noticed that creepy boy that sits in the back of class and doesn't talk to anyone, he wears all black, sleeps in class, he doesn't have any friends, he just over all seems to have a cold attitude toward people.. Have you ever thought maybe he is just a gentle soul locked beneith a layer of shit. If a flower gets shit on its whole life, you will only see the pile of shit on top of it and not the beautiful flower benieth it. But later on in life, if that flower doesn't die, it will absorb that shit and use it to become an even stronger rose bush... beautiful but covered in thorns to protect itself from the creatures around it.

I hate seeming like I am preaching my philosophies. I hate it because its not about me. Its about you. Yes you the one who is reading this right now. This is all about you. Not me. This is about hey, maybe everything I've done in my life didn't have to be the way it was, but I mean I am not saying you're the problem I am just saying that you may have had A LOT of problems that were created simply because you didn't know.

Imagine if highschool wasn't a dangerous scary place, but a lovely welcoming place where you go and everyone is happy, teens aren't thinking about sex, drugs, or how they are going to ever finish and get a good job in life so they aren't a bum living on the street.

It all revolves around the same topics. I am just putting spot lights on them, while others have shown them through colored filters.

The bible has a lot of things right, but the fact still remains, they are stories written by people who were more ignorant than we are today, yet they were still smart enough to realize that we have been forever repeating our mistakes with our people and society.

Star wars.. think about it.. Jedi and the dark side.. Fear to anger, anger to hate, hate to murder. These are products of ignorance. Now That is something I've heard before, Products of ignorance... hmmm time to pull up trusty google.

http://www.luckymojo.com/avidyana/ignorance.html

check out that link lol... I don't know I didn't read all of it, but it sure was an interesting little bit.

what am I doing with my life is the biggest question I have... constantly trying to get that answer alone, is the biggest waste of time. That question cannot be answered by me, or by you alone. It takes a group effort to survive in harmony.

Everyone here on earth keeps thinking about the "ME" and not the "US", I mean imagine if your body knew greed. You would end up with part of your body deformed and dying because its not getting the nourishment needed, what if that part of your body ended up being your legs. The for most hardest working thing in your body, (other then centralized things such as your heart and brain) that gets take advantage of.

Your legs are the lower class of the society while your feet are the very bottom. The face being the highest point but also the central location for voice, and other communications, is the most important.

Government is our face... the working class are our legs.. while the poor people are stuck being the support for everything else, the feet. Why do people hate to look at their own feet, or hate others feet. They stink, they are dirty, they are sweaty.. GIVE YOUR FUCKING FEET SOME RESPECT MAN THEY KEEP YOU FROM HITTING THE GROUND EVERYTIME YOU TRY TO STAND UP!

but your body cares a lot about your feet. It knows that your feet just like everything is another part of YOUR body and they need to be treated the same as if it were your heart down there holding you up. So they receive just as much nourishment as the rest of your body.

Your brain isn't taking all the blood in your body and hording it. It simply uses what it needs and lets the rest pass on throughout the body. It knows without the hands to grab food, the mouth to chew and swallow, the stomach and intestines to absorb and the rest for waste to be excreted we wouldn't be able to survive as invidual beings.. its a part of evolution but your body is less aware of self and ego so thats why cells don't need individualism, but I like individualism, its how we advance, so I am not saying get rid of individualism, I am just saying get rid of greed already fuck. Is it really hard to go to the store and see something you like and just say.. "Do I really need this? I mean.. does it feed anyone? Does it cloth anyone? Does it do anything for anyone..." If the answer is no then you don't need it. Sure a playstation 3 and a 42' inch flat screen tv are nice things, but what use do they get if you have no games to play on them, now they are just really expensive boxes with lights.

Technology is awesome, don't get me wrong, and I love games, they are fun. But as the saying goes, everything is better in moderation....

back to the topic...

Adulthood:

Nothing changed.. except now I have to deal with a bunch of shit that I can't figure out... I HAVE to go to work, just like I HAD to go to school.. they came for me today.... I can't believe how much that actually hurt to deal with that but it does make me feel better that they were trying to be there lol. Its so weird how completely strangers can care so much about me when people I knew all my life don't seem to understand..

Its those kind of people that make it easier to understand that life isn't all just shit.. its what makes me want to do more.. its my whole motivation... I want to help people but I can barely help myself... I am fucking crying again... I think about how much my family would try to be their now if they only knew but I feel like its already to late, the damage has been done, now I guess its me. I am the one who needs to open up to them, but even if I tried they would just make it worse... what am I saying... I am sure I have tried and they are so fucking close minded that they only want to make it worse.

Something to end this with...

NEVER SAY SOMEONE'S LIFE IS WORTHLESS! Everyone can do something! The problem is finding out what that is they can do..