i first wanted to name this "i just realized how terrified i am about someone finding out im bisexual" & then "my friends really aren't friends" but i of course decided on the name you see up there.
well the fuck! all our blogs are gone but today i got another glsen email & it made me realize how afraid i am of anyone finding out im bisexual... anyone my friends, family, teachers. anyone except you guys. i feel like i can trust other mcr fans with anything & i wish i actually had one of you guys for a physical friend... no not fuck buddies just i mean actual in the flesh people to interact with.
i started running down the list. first my parents & family. they would absolutely hate me & never talk to me again. they would say "i always knew something was wrong with her" or "i didnt want to believe the signs" (there are no signs they just think i have to be all girly for my sexuality to be w/o question). so basically i would feel so ashamed because of their reaction & all their hatred. i want to cry just thinking about it because even though i pretty much hate my life right now it still hurts to be so rejected & unwanted.
Next, would be my friends. at my current school i have exactly two friends & then my satellite friends that one of my friends has. so i'll call that friend just "my friend" & the other friend "other friend". so My Friend is so motherfucking immature. I really could never say anything serious to her. she doesnt take anything seriously & its really starting to piss me off... i frankly hate it. it just pisses me off. just the way she talks about the lgbt community. she always treats it as a joke & not like a legitimate thing someone can be. i dont know if you understand what im saying but its just so motherfucking frustrating. So no i could never tell her because he reaction would be just taking it as a joke OR maybe tapping me on the shoulder and saying "well didnt we all expect this" in that fucking idiotic way she would say it. & here's another story about her. we partnered for an essay & honestly she did write the whole "essay" but she wrote it based on all my suggestions for the essay & she used my motherfucking thesis & everyone who write fucking essays knows that after the thesis the rest is bullshit to prove your thesis or back it up & i read the essay & it was just perfect the way it was so i didnt change anything. its not my fault she picked a fucking idiotic poem with no material. & i told her her essay was perfect so i didnt change it & she said "I AM NEVER PARTNERING WITH YOU AGAIN" & that is just a pretty fucked up thing to say if you ask me. & she neither likes nor listens to My Chem & she is always dissing mcr. & she even had the nerve to say "i hate dd b/c its so wannabe mainstream. i hear it & say mcr what are you doing? thats not you!" & i wanted to slap her across the fucking face but i just said "thats because you dont know mcr" & that was the event that made me realize that i should question our friendship.
& then we have Other Friend. Other Friend is really nice & i would like to be friends with her but..... she's a mormon who hates the entire lgbt community. so whenever i bring them up she basically says "eww can we talk about something else" & i dont know if its just a mormon thing but it seems like mormons have a special vendetta against lgbt beyond what most douche bag christians have. I DONT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE. I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MORMONS. so im just going to continue & say my friend is really homophobic. & so i obviously cant tell her! that would destroy our friendship. & i know this means she is the one I NEED to tell but i just caant face that look of disappointment & disgust in her eyes.
& then their comes PT II. so My Friend (yes the first one) is leaving after this year & honestly im relieved. i just want her out is that harsh? but like i said i have two friends so after she leaves Other Friend & I will be our group of friends. so after she leaves & i leave Other Friend i will have no friends. so basically this is all going down tomorrow & i guess im going back to being a loner.
uhmm i guess thats all. well theres my rant. i hope My Friend wont see this because thats an awkward way to discover something but with my luck she will. she only has an account because i needed her to upload something.
