For the past few months, since school has started, I have denied myself all rights to feeling real feelings!
I have been so involved with school, Music Therapy club, clinicals, and keeping my house in order and bills paid that every single time I had any sort of feeling, I told it to "Fuck off" and I kept going.
Let me explain why that is a HORRIBLE idea.
This week, it all came crashing down on me. Every feeling I didn't allow myself to feel weighted me down like an anchor. I failed so hard. I got no work done, I was high on ativan the whole week and I wanted nothing to do with the human race.
And today, I'm really feeling it. You wanna know what I did today? I slept till 11:30, ate food, cried because I hated life, ate more food, fell asleep at 1:30, woke up at 2:30, cried some more, ate some more, cleaned my house a little, told my fiance that when he got off of work, we were going to see my parents in Myrtle Beach, cried a lot more, took a 5 hour energy, got in the car with my fiance, blasted Senses Fail while driving for 2 hours (secretly crying so my fiance wouldn't see), got to MB, opened up my lap top and decided I needed to write this blog about my failure to allow myself to feel my feelings!
Luckily, it is Fall Break. Which means I have Monday and Tuesday off.
I'm praying for redemption. That I can feel out all my feelings, suck it up, and completely beast the hell out of the next 2 months of school.
And then when winter break comes, sleep. Through it all.
Then wake up in January, go back to school for like 2 weeks, and then get married on February 4th, 2012.
I'm fairly numb right now because I had been doing a lot of crying today. And I feel weird. I think it's mostly that 5 hour energy that has made me feel weird. Meh. Who knows.
Shit. The ball to my lip ring just fell out.
Okay, anyways, that's about it. I had to blog it all out so that I can allow myself to feel feelings again. And I gotta stop failing at life.
