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Alone in this big bad world

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mayy's picture
on July 31, 2014 - 10:40am

Hey guys, Lisa here.
So, I haven't been at school for two days now and I'm begining to get bursts of emptiness, anger, sadness and pain.

Probably because of nunerous events.

Number one, I recently began attending school everyday and I was happy.
No judgemental eyes or hateful glares, just blank emotion.
It was stripping me of who I was.
I'm trying my best to not give a shit about what people say/think and by God's grace and with the help of kickass rock bands like Three Days Grace and MCR, it's kind of working.
But on the other hand, its not.
Sometimes I would be sitting in class and I'd get a panic attack out of nowhere where I couldn't think and my stomach, head and chest hurt.
I would feel this weight on my head and heart and I hated it.
Still do.
The other day, I was seated in maths and then the teacher was handing out the results of mocks.
I was so scared when they read my name and when he said my grades....
I literally felt my heart crack.
Everyone was getting 90's and 80's (especially miss perfect Trina)
whereas I got.... 68%.
Everyone was happy and jumping around while I sat there and cried under my desk.
Then came the social studies results where I got 66.
Everyone was looking at me like I was shit and I'm trying not to care but sometimes I just can't help it.
I'm ashamed to admit that I care what others think but admiting is the first step to getting better, right?

I improved in grades for sure but I also feel hopeless when it comes to school standards. Like socially.
It's like when I'm there, my brain turns off and I can't think or talk.
I don't want to.
I just want to be alone.
Is this normal? Am I normal?

I feel like I'm lying to myself that I'm normal and it'll get better but the truth is....
I don't think I even want to breathe.

So the thing is this, I took the day off yesterday cause I'm begining to feel physically sick.
I'll be sitting and all of a sudden, my heart races and my liver/side hurts.
Yesterday I couldn't even eat. I would eat and my stomach and heart would burn.
I dont know whats going on guys.
I tried telling my mum but you guys already know our.... relationship when it comes to my- condition.
So now I have to sit alone in my room, barely able to breathe and just wanting it to end.
Prayer is helping a bit but I want someone to speak to in person like a therapist.
I want to tell my sis but she's soooo religious she'll tell me to 'simply pray and it'll get better' but it wont go away just like that.
I tried.
It goes and then comes back. And besides, God helps those who help themselves ,so...
how do I help myself?

School is hell but now when my brother picks me up to bring me home, I find myself even sadder.
Its like I have two hells but no heaven.
Nowhere to go.
I'm on here everyday but no one really wants to talk.
Its so inactive.

I try talking to my best friend Olga but....
I dont think she wants to be friends anymore..

Which brings me to number three.....

She talks to me at school and all but when I message her she doesnt reply and when she does she just says;
"Have to go, bye," or
"Cant talk. Bye,"

The other day I was crying and feeling down and when I texted her, she told me she was busy watching divergent.

She's a sweet girl but I dont think she wants to be friends.
Maybe I'm just being emotional but I'm always the one to call/text first and she doesnt even like holding the conversation.

On monday I told her I wont be at school on Wednesday and Thursday because My anxiety and depression is acting up and she was like,
"I'm sorry. If you want I'll stay too to keep you happy so you dont feel alone"
Welll... guess what?
She went. I'm not saying she should skip school for me but dont lie you'll be there for me.
I felt so alone yesterday and she couldnt even talk.
Am I being dramatic or....?

I'm in an awful place now guys, and my 'best friend who calls me her sister" doesn't want to talk.
That and everything else is killing me.
I cant look at my brothers or parents because I feel dead and disapointing.

Please help me.
I'm sorry if this was a whiny post but I need help.

If anyone wants to communicate, message me your fb or phone number or shit.
I would appreciate your help.

Love you guys,