Okay so (where do I start?)

Cyanide Flame's picture

Okay so (where do I start?)

Last year I changed to another school. There is this guy (he’s like 3 years older than me maybe) I never really talked to, but whom I’ve always genuinely respected, because he has his own opinion on things and he isn’t afraid to tell everyone. He is different, he actually uses his brain and thinks about serious topics and he’s not like “omfg party sex yeah fuck everything I’m cool”. He likes to read and he loves music (he’s a DJ and he was in a rock band once).
I never talked to him because I was, kind of, scared of him. I don’t mean that he’s scary but I never dared to open my mouth and talk in front of him, because I feared he doesn’t agree with what I have to say. But I loved listening to him when he was argumenting in lessons.
He had his friends who he hang out with in the breaks to smoke but he was always independent.
I never really felt anything for him except huge respect.
But after summer I started, like, talking to him more and we get along really well since then. He once said that I’m one of the few people in our class he can stand.
We even hate the same things, it’s crazy.
Whenever someone is being stupid we just glance at each other, knowing what the other one was thinking.
I started admiring him from a distance but it wasn’t really a crush.
I loved to make stupid jokes and make him laugh. When he was laughing because of me I felt like I had accomplished something.
I really started to like him very much but I still didn’t dare to admit to myself that I have a crush on him.
Then one day it was like our day.
We were sitting next to each other for 5 lessons and made fun of stupid people together. Once he even leaned on my shoulder.
I was screaming internally.
I still didn’t admit myself that I have a crush on him but I realised that the day was only a good day when he came to the lessons, it made me happy.
When he isn’t there I’m always in a bad mood and unmotivated.
I’m kind of scared that my classmates will notice that I always put my bag off the chair once he is coming into the room so he would sit next to me.

And today we had this study day in a rectory (about religious education) and we are both people who hate religion and/or churches.
So when we were on the bus on our way there (alone, 10 minutes of awkward silence) we were like “Ugh I don’t wanna”.
We were one of the first people to arrive there so naturally we were sitting together from the beginning (and for the whole day).
Again we were joking together (whispering “are we allowed to curse in here”) and talking about classmates.
During the study day we were meditating three times, and in the end we had a guided imagery program when we had to lay down on blankets and pillows and imagine different things and in the end we had to draw a picture.
We were lying next to each other the whole time with eyes closed.
Sometimes, though, I opened my eyes to watch his face, then I smiled and closed my eyes again.
I did this like 5 times during the program.

I do realise that I have a crush on him now, and even though we are getting along well it doesn’t mean that’s anything positive.
He is 3 years older than me, he is drop-dead sexy and his is fucking intelligent and he is so handsome and talented. And I am, well… ugly, untalented, awkward me.
I do believe that he kind of likes me a bit but not the way I like him.
It’s just hopeless and in the end it’s frustrating because after this year I will never see him again, I think that’s the reason I didn’t want to believe it’s a crush the whole time. Sigh