i was thinking... people ask me (often with disgust) why i love anime so much, why i want to dress up as the characters and act like them. the truth is... it helps me forget. i just become obsessed with fictional worlds because i hate the one i live in, i loathe it. i hate myself so i become the characters i idolize and love so dearly because i find them far better than me. i want to be with them, not to feel alone like i was so much when i was a kid. i have five sketch books full of fan art. not because i want to be an artist or someone who's just good at drawing, its just a way to escape the horror of my memories. there are times where everything seems so vivd again and i cant control it or push it back in my mind. ive stayed up many sleepless nights crying, paranoia taking over my mind, reliving and regretting what ever memory decided to keep me awake that night. i just love escaping into another world, pretending to be someone else.
i have to say even though my depression stopped a few months ago... i still feel horrible. not long ago i had a bit of a relaspe and it was just horrifying, that feeling of just needing to die to stop it. i just dont want to live through it again. in school this man spoke to my grade about depression and suicide. he described it so accurately and so vivid and graphic, it made me break down sobbing. i was sobbing into the chest of the very person that had made me want to kill myself so very much.
its funny... on the outside im so clam and collected and everyone loves my smile i smile so often and the happiness i bring yet inside im overflowing with self-loathing, hate, and anger.
XOXO
Crushed D's
