I'M NOT OKAY.

Could I Lie Next To You's picture

I'M NOT OKAY.

Well, that may have grabbed your attention. I think I need counselling, I don't give a fuck what my 'friends' say about me not being depressed, because obviously by smiling I must be oh so happy. I hate school, I physically can't stand to be there a moment longer. I wanted to tell my mum about how I did in my mock exam today but she couldn't seem to find the time and my sister got to spend the ENTIRE time wittering about her oh so important cakes she made today or how her friends have fallen out. FRIENDS ARE NOT FOREVER HENCE THE WORD 'END' IN IT. Sorry, if some of you do have life long friends, I just never have and never will actually have a friend I would confide all my precious little secrets into seeing as they would think I'm a freak at one glance. I have given up on school, at the start of this year, I thought, 'right, I'll get down and study now I'm in upper school, I will try so hard' But when I got back to school, people spread stuff, people continued to bully me, my boyfriend-at-the-time was being an absolute dick and refusing to speak to me for three whole weeks till I dumped him and now he hates me and I hate him simply because I like MCR (Go through my blogs if you wanna know more). I almost got the bullying sorted until it started up again, horrible people will NEVER change. I was then predicted a B in everything. A real confidence knocker, seeing as I need 7 A*s to be a doctor. So I have changed my career, I want to be in a band or be an artist or a book writer. I was then told that my GCSE art grade was a D. (if you scroll through my posts you can see some of it) I was really upset and (I know this sounds super stuck up) I'm good at art. I hate saying stuff like that, but it really is the only thing I can say that in. Okay, I'm in top set for everything but that doesn't mean I like it. I want to tell my mum that I'm bi, but if I do she will hate me, and no, I'm not just saying that, I was talking to her about it a few weeks ago and she told me that this person I know who is bi is a 'dike' and that I will never turn out like that.. I was really upset, and almost cried but then she would have asked why. I think I do need help. I see life as a punishment, some people get it as a gift. I have contemplated suicide or self harm but the only thing stopping me is that I can't leave or do that without knowing where my dad is.. Long story (message me if you would like to hear it) and that Gee told us not to use violence. So yeah, that kinda sucks, but one thing that has made me smile today, is me linking arms with one of my old friends and walking round chatting, well, her telling me about this guy she likes, and me nodding or smiling when necessary, and then later, in registration, one of my bullies told me they saw me linking arms and how it didn't look cool. I simply turn't round and told him I didn't want to look 'cool' and I preferred to be the way I am. Sorry for my rant, I have calmed down since writing this, I'm kinda impressed with myself for how calm I get when this happens. Oh well, thanks for reading, you don't have to comment, I just needed to get this out, thanks again and sorry for blocking up Zone 6 :/