J. Again.

chpeverill-conti's picture

J. Again.

I’m kind of freaking out. It probably sounds like no big deal. But to me, it’s everything. I was scrolling around Facebook today, when I saw someone I’ve been trying to forget. It was under the “recommended friends” or something like that. The profile picture was of a hooded kid with super thick eyeliner and a Chelsea grin drawn on his face with red lipstick. The name read “Ben St Pierre.” It was him. J. J had made a new Facebook. He changes his name a lot. When I met him, it was Alysa, then Al, then Jason, then J, then Bert, and now Ben. But I always stuck with J for some reason. Anyways, I blocked his old Facebook after a short conversation in which I told him how much he hurt me, how much I missed him, how much I love him, and How I was pissed that what he taught me landed me in the hospital, to which he replied “sorry.” That’s all he would say? He broke my heart, taught me how to hurt myself, then left and all he could say was “sorry?” He wrote something once in a letter to me, he said, and I quote, “DON’T tell anyone for your own good. You have it all on the line. No pressure. You could lose it all. IPod, web, phone, trust, and me. I will never let you fall I’m not leaving but your rents will be pissed as hell.” That is probably the worst thing you could possibly tell someone who’s experimenting with unhealthy coping skills. And what if he finds me and hurts me? Rapes me? He also told me “I hope you know I’m kidding about raping you. But who knows I am related to my dad (LOL JK).” What the fuck???? I know you’ve had an awful childhood, but is that really a reassuring thing to tell your girlfriend? No way! You don’t joke about rape EVER!!! What I hate most about all of it though, is he still has the power to control me. I literally just saw his name and picture and that’s making me freak out! I hate that he still has power over me, I honestly did love him and I don’t regret giving him my virginity that Halloween night. I just wish he hadn’t fucked me up so much. The only thing really good that came out of him was MCR. He was Gerard Way for Halloween 2 years ago, and we joked that I lost my virginity to Gerard haha. I hate that he can still make me smile. You all remember the marathon bombing? Well, we both live in Massachusetts, but I was on vacation in Florida at the time. He was in a group home in Watertown. That’s where the chase was!! He was out on the streets smoking pot (he’s a dick when he’s high) and he could hear the guns!! Get the fuck home!! I felt like we were special, we were in 8th grade (14 years old or so) and we lasted a full year, that’s a long time for 14. He left on December 21st (yes I have that memorized ☹) and it’s been over a year that he left I still remember it clearly. I was at a youth council meeting and he was calling me so I went into the hall and he said “I don’t have much time they’re moving me away I don’t know how long I can talk but I don’t know when I’ll see you again but I love you.” I went home and cried and cried and cried. We had all these inside jokes that aren’t even funny but they still make me smile today. I remember our first kiss on a bench by the water behind Margarita’s, I remember we said “the word” instead of horny, his cat’s name was Ray, his hands were always kid of cold, smooth and small, once we ate strawberry popsicles then kissed and it felt so great. I remember all of him and he makes me smile and I HATE IT!!!! Fuck I miss you and I hate that!!
- Z