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Help... It never ends....

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chpeverill-conti's picture
on November 18, 2014 - 5:03pm

Hey... I don't want to be a downer, but here I am.
Every day. Whenever they're in a room together.
I might not have mentioned it, but my brother, Ben, has special needs. He's 18, bipolar, autistic, developmentally delayed, has learning disabilities, and some other things that don't have names. He's not a drooling idiot or anything. He just has problems, like everyone. But different problems. He leaves the house for work/school with his hair sticking straight up, his pants tucked into his socks, his shirt and plants backwards and/or inside out. If we tell him to fix his clothes so he doesn't lose his job, he tells us that "that's society's issue" "it doesn't matter what I look like or how I dress" He doesn't get that, although people should be able to express themselves however, he makes it look like he doesn't know how to put clothes on. I love Ben very much. He looks up to me, which is nice. He listens to the same bands as me, My Chem, Pierce the Veil, BMTH, all because I do. He calms down a little when I tell him how I've been or know someone who's felt the same or been in simular or worse situations.
He's always been explosive. When we were little, we had a big foam block wrapped in blue fabric between us in the car, so he couldn't hurt me. But he used to kick it, and push it into me until I was smushed into the corner. I used to watch Dad Lay on top of him, restraining him on the ground as he kicked and screamed.
I don't want you to think of Ben as "bad" or anything. I've always loved ben, we've always been close. Playing super car in his room and neopets. Doing the things little kids do... With a twist. Mom and Dad couldn't go out because it was impossible to find a babysitter who could handle us. You wouldn't really understand the dynamics of my home unless you were here. Laughing uncontrollably until he's not. Which is better, the never ending shrieks from the ground or the yelling about things that don't make sense and slamming doors?
Ben is 18. He's an adult. He's going to school until he's 22. Our parents have a guardianship over him, so that in adulthood, they still manage his money, legal decisions, health care, and a lot of other complicated stuff I don't understand. He NEEDS this guardianship. He's functional enough to make people think he can manage himself, but then you realize he can't unload the dishwasher or do homework independently or without prompting.
We think a lot of my anxiety branches from Ben. From growing up with him. I'm not mad about it or anything, if anything it's made me who I am. More patient but... hurt from pain I don't want to blame anyone for.
IDK where I was going. IDK what i'm trying to say. I guess I wish people understood what It's like to live with this for my whole life. And no one can because every kid with special needs and every situation is different.
I'm sorry, I don't know it's just always there and I don't know how I feel about anything cause I don't wanna feel
I'm gonna sign off now. I'm sorry I don't know why I'm posting this
FYI I dropped my phone in the toilet today and it's not turning on. SO If you snapchat, skype, kik, text, any of those ways you talk to me, they're gone. I can message on here, email me(I know I'm not supposed to post it online or whatever but here it is) chpeverillconti@gmail.com or facebook message me if you're friends with Ze Peverill-Conti on there (wasn't supposed to post that was I. Whoops.)
I love you all, hope you guys are doing alright
xoxo
- Z