My parents have gone out for the night and my sister's at a sleepover. So I'm sure everyone's first reaction is awesome! I get to do anything I want... Well yeah but the house is so empty and I've been watching films and interviews but I still feel really lonely. And when my brain has no distractions I think about things I've done, and then the guilt comes, and then the depression, and then the suffocating feeling... I've been waiting for this because I've been feeling, well great for about 3/4 months so I thought that maybe I wouldn't get depressed any more, but I knew it wouldn't last. My head's a confusing place for me right now. I want to bleed, but know I shouldn't, but I feel like I need it so I glue myself to the seat. I want/need to cry but can't. It's raining really hard right now and I just want to go outside and drown in it.
I'm so alone all the time. I have one friend who I see at cadets for 4 hours a week but we hardly do anything, but that's fine because she makes me feel really happy when I'm with her, like I can be myself. I don't think even I realised how much she's helped me develop as a person.
Me and my sister always sit in my room when we go on our laptops. We don't even speak when we're on our laptops but I finally realised why I love having her there. Because then at least I'm not alone.
I want to lose myself. I want my brain to fuck up. I want to forget everything. Because I can't erase the past and the thing that sparked my depression will never go away. I'll always live with that guilt.
But I keep going, even if I can't function, I pretend I'm okay. But I want it to be over. I just want it to end.
