hopeless

Its 12am and I can't sleep again. Its been that way lately and it sucks. I don't want to throw a pity party or have people feel sorry for me. At least I'm alive at least the guy who molested me didn't kill me or my sister. I want to be strong, I want to smile through the pain, I want to be brave, to say yeah I'm ok but then I just cry and it makes me mad. Why do I cry, why can't I be brave, why can't I lie and say I'm ok? Its not enough that he molested me but he took control of my emotions. I feel hopeless but somehow I'm gonna find myself again.