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Art Is My Weapon's picture
on November 22, 2014 - 12:21pm

So I haven't been on here on ages, but I thought I'd come and see what's happening. I've been pretty down about a lot of stuff lately and I was wondering if any of you guys felt the same, or had any advice.. I don't even know how to explain this.. like it's awkward, and I'm finding it difficult to describe what I'm feeling and make sense at the same time. Okay so really the only way i can describe it is as a constant feeling of loneliness. And I feel like I need someone who really understands me, that I can talk to, like one of the problems is that I don't have that person, and I can't talk to anyone about this because the point is that I always feel lonely and there's no one I can talk to and tell the whole truth to. Partly because I know they won't get it and partly because it could offend them, because they kinda are part of the problem. And now the more kinda embarrassing part is that, well I'm 16 and I've never had a boyfriend and I feel like that's something that I need, like it would be amazing if the person that understood me and I could tell everything to could be my boyfriend too. But I'm afraid of being in a relationship for personal reasons, and because I've got to the point where I properly detest my own appearance, for many reasons. And what doesn't help is this stupid stereo type of what guys want girls to be. They want someone who is attractive, never has bad skin, has a flat tummy while also having a nice ass and big boobs, doesn't have fucking body hair. And the most recent thing I've heard is that apparently the attractive girl stereotype now means having long hair too. And I just feel so shit cus like none of these things are me, and I don't know any really nice guys. I barely know anyone who has anything in common with me, never mind guys i can relate to. I just feel like I'll always be alone and no one will ever be willing to accept and love all of me. It's just so fucking depressing to think about. And now if I watch any sort of TV show or movie with romance in it I just get pissed off because it's so not real and I get annoyed cus no one will ever look at me like that. It's just so ridiculous. I can't watch or read anything involving romance without bringing it back and comparing it to my life.
Another major problem with me is my over analytical personality. Seriously I over think everything, and it just destroys all the good times I have. Like say I went out with friends and had an awesome day, I'll think about it a lot to the point where I'm thinking what I should have or shouldn't have said, then I end up feeling crap about something that was so amazing before.
And to be fair I think I expect to much in a relationship - not that I've ever been in one- I just want someone to truly understand and love me, but that is way too difficult a task to expect anyone to be able to do. Right now I just feel like I'll never find happiness.
sorry for my impossibly long rant, I just having been feeling really crap for too long now and I'm fed up with it. I didn't know where else I could turn to.
I don't know who'll bother reading this but thank you to everyone who does.
Keep running. xx