Just a little broken piece of me...

Art Is My Weapon's picture

Just a little broken piece of me...

So, i haven't posted in a while but i've been on everyday, i just haven't really had anything to say... so here's the thing now... im just really sick of people. Well the ones i personally know anyway. I'm just kinda fed up with feeling the way i do, even when im around my friends... you see i talk to them and have a joke and all but sometimes i just kinda feel out of it. i feel like there's no point in telling them about the things i want to tell them cus they won't care, and they always seem to have somebody else to talk to rather than me, even when i tell them about things they never seem to get it the way i want them to and stuff, if that makes sense... it's not just my friends tho, it's my family too. I feel like nobody knows the real me and right now im kinda stressing out about the pile of school stuff i have to do and i'm completely freaking about my piano exam which is coming really soon, and i just don't feel like i'm good enough but not just at piano but everything. i just really want someone who i can talk to that will really understand me and be there for me. It's all just getting to me now. The piano is really annoying me cus i used to just play it cus i loved it but now its kinda just, i have an exam that i have to practise for, you know, then my mum said to me a while back, "if you dont do well in this exam i won't be paying for the repeat" that just made me think, like does she really think that im so bad that im gonna have to repeat it? does she really have that little faith in me? People just seem to tell me when im not doing well or im not good enough, nobody ever says you can do this, i believe in you. Then my dad told me that if i dont do well i wont be doing anymore cus basically they arent going to waste their money on me anymore. I'm just finding this all really hard at the moment i dont really feel that i have anyone to talk to cus no matter who i tell i know they wont understand and im just feeling really shit about it all right now. After what my mum and dad said i told myself that i would do it for all the people who dont believe in me and all the ones who have ever got me down, i kinda just wanna be able to say fuck you for not believing in me, i dont need your help and im so much better that you think. But the problem is that it's harder that it looks, i dont even believe in myself. i just used to feel like nobody believes in me so why should i? and now i dont see a reason to believe in myself cus to me im not all that special, im just the freak who wants to change who she is and just stand up and be different. With so much school work and all i just haven't been able to sit down and just really get into the music, as iv been to busy tryna get things done and get to bed as soon after so i can get enough sleep and not be tired for a change. i wanna just get some time on my own when im not feeling stressed and just play the music and learn to love it, but if i sit down to play when im feeling upset or stressed then i just get all tense and all and cant do things right. Even when i do get the time to just sit down and play i just do it and think its not good enough and imediately get fed up cus i just feel that im really shit and it just starts to get me down cus im nowhere near as good as i want to be. i know that when i get to the exam im gonna be so unbelievably nervous anyway and there's a 50% chance that the nerves will be too much and i'll just mess it up. i cant find a reason to believe in myself and i have virtually no self confidence, and im so self conscious. I also find it impossible to be optimistic and believe that everything is gonna be alright cus i always think it isnt and i dont see why i should believe that things are gonna go well cus i just dont believe they are and any of the time that ive been sure that things were gonna go well it just blew up in my face and broke me down again. Also any of the times ive tried to tell myself i can do this its just made things worse cus i just dont believe it. I just cant bring myself to believe in me because everytime i have in the past i just ended up being worse than i thought i was and it just made me feel like shit and that i wasnt and am still not good enough. Sorry that ive wasted your time by rambling on (i dont really expect anybody to read this anyway), i just had to tell someone in the hope that they'l be able to make me feel better. This seems like its all about the whole piano crisis but i kinda think that there's more than that. if that makes sense to you, i dont know but there you go anyway. (in some ways i just feel like im rubbish at everything i thought i was good at and everything i love and want to be good at.)
(This blog was originally supposed to be about other things but i just started typing and it led to so much more than i originally planned but there you go, turns out i had a hell of a lot more to say than i thought) but anyway. there you go, just a little broken piece of me, coming from my black little heart.
with love xx