Hi you lovely awesome people:) So, it's officially "doomsday"', and I think its all total Buuuuulllllsssshhhhiiit. And guess what? If I'm wrong, and we're all doomed, then no one can say hey Allie, you were wrong, I told you so. Because, you know, we' ll all be goners anyway, lol.
So things are the same, still dealing with my difficult husband who doesn' t probably ever want to stop drinking, tonight was shitty earlier. Whenever he drinks a lot, and I mean a lot b/c when you do every day, it takes a crazy amount to get really drunk, he gets really obnoxious. I feel guilty b/c I did yell back at him after being criticized, judged n ridiculed for a few minutes..within earshot of my kids. I don't want them to have to listen to this He said something, how sad is it that I don't exactly remember? I don't even drink. All the fights meld together But he said something about me having an attitude with him, basically if I don't just listen to him rant and I find my own voice and disagree, then I'm a bitch and I get told over an over how I don' t get it. Whenever he's mad, he always calls me by my full name, Allison, blah blah. So I shot back way too loud, , maybe your just a douchebag. But I yelled and I feel really bad. I talked to my kids after, only one of them heard me and I apoligized to him and talked to him for a while about it.
I need to make a change in my life already. I feel really helpless. I cant get a regular job now, b/c my front tooth broke and I have no money to get it fixed. So of course he talked me into working from home for him, which I swore I wouldn't do again, but now I am b/c he doesn' t give me money for gas, the kids anything. He cut me off financially in the spring and got his own account so I'm 35 with no account, no debit or credit card, literally nothing. Then he tells me I'm an idiot if I don't jump on the opportunity to work for him, b/c I can save all this money and make my life better, and I'm the only one standing in my way. I've worked for him before and it was really hard to live up to his expectations.
So I work for him b/c I need something, but he's paying me just enough to have money for every day stuff, and with Christmas, I cant save any money for dental work, of which I need a lot. And I think he likes forcing m to depend on him. Sorry for ranting. I just needed to get some feelings out.
But yesterday afternoon was great. I went to my daughter's Christmas party at school, another girl followed me around and kept telling me she likes my purple hair in the back. She was so cute. I even sat in the rocking chair and read all the kids a book. Which seems lame, but for me, it's a big deal. I'm insanely shy and blush if more then 2 people are looking at me while I talk. Hope everyone is good, if not, at least doing ok and staying strong. :) xoxo
