Agent Sunshine Reporting for Duty ~ Running

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Agent Sunshine Reporting for Duty ~ Running

Entry #1

12:35 AM
June 7, 2011.

Everyone is asleep in my house, but I can hear the TV back in my room. A bright yellow lamp-light is above me right now, creating heat on my face. I hate it.

Yesterday I felt like running away. Not the cliché "I hate my parents so I'm running away from home" kind of thing, an actual need to just run.

It was something about yesterday. Something about the mood of the day and how awkward everyone at the house was being. Maybe it was a mere figment of my imagination, but I felt like everyone was being especially happy. Could they not see that I was miserable?

I don't think they had any knowledge that I had been crying while I stood at the front door, looking out the window at the mundane neighborhood. My feet itched with a passion to run. I imagined myself bolting out the door and running away, away, far away!

My capacity to run far is at a low, because let's be honest, I'm not at all athletic. But my adrenaline was pumping so hard for no reason. It was the tears and the anger and fear. I was frustrated with my containment at the house at which holds me.

Lines were flying through my brain in this moment,

Hit the gas, kill 'em all.
Run away like it was yesterday.
Me and your runaway scars.
Let's blow a hole in this town.
Keep running.
And we just get up and go.
We can leave this world, leave it all behind.
We can steal this car if your folks don't mind.
Run, run, bunny, run.
You can run away with me anytime you want.
Don't hide and we don't run.
This could be the last of all the rides we take.
Start running and say goodbye for a little while.

Fuck, it all suddenly made sense. But I couldn't just run, I wasn't sure if that's what I was meant to do. Those lines mean...don't run necessarily away from something bad, but run to something good. I would have been running away from a minimal problem.

So I cried. That's all I did. I cried and I drove around and I went and saw Michael. He held me and I still cried. So he took me to the backyard and asked if I'd like to swim. I said, "I'd love to."

So I swam in the small pool that had a pocket knife trapped underneath. I laughed. I was done crying. I was done running.

I wanted to stay.

Something was perfect in that moment. That moment of just letting go of my frustration. Letting go. That's what I needed.

How My Chemical Romance keeps me sane.
This is Agent Sunshine, signing off.
xoxo

1:15 AM