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chpeverill-conti's picture

i'm alive

on September 27, 2017 - 12:28am

i could just drive forever
10 miles over the speed limit
volume up so loud my ears crackle and my speakers crunch
fuck that support goup
yelling to the music
"i'm trying to show you how much you mean as days fade and nights grow we all go cold"
coming out of the darkness
into a more beautiful place of freedom
air on my face
one hand on the wheel
faster faster
if i could live like this forever
i'd truly be free
but for now
i'll settle for being very much alive

------------------------------------------------------------------

xoxoz

chpeverill-conti's picture

hair dye, dreams, and coming back to mcr

on September 26, 2017 - 10:27am

have some dye in hair now. inferno by manic panic. its a red orange-y color. hope it'll look good, i got the dye about 3 years ago but hair dye doesn't really expire so that's good. it was white before this so the red will be very vibrant.

had a dream that this girl I was crushing on last year, Via, was writing suggestive messages on my drawing and we were in the program I was in last month. the showers in the program were really nice but there were no doors. I don't know how to describe it. it was interesting. I think it's because my dad saw Via's parents last night.

had class this morning.

chpeverill-conti's picture

boring update

on September 18, 2017 - 6:52am

class at 12, it's about 10 now.
parents got me a bracelet with a charm that said "FUED", or fuck you eating disorder. I like it a lot.
Lola, my dog is so funny. I don't know why but she's just so funny
spray painted some of my overalls;. i make stencils sometimes so i stenciled a black recovery symbol onto my denim overalls and a green vagina on my white overalls. looks awesome!
did not sleep well last night. had a lot of energy and couldn't fall asleep.
that's all i have to say for now i think.
xoxoz

chpeverill-conti's picture

late night and boredom

on September 17, 2017 - 12:59pm

last night i got home at 2:30 am. so tiered. dylan slept over.that was nice.

i have two chapters of reading for tomorrow's class. and studying for a quiz on tuesday. but i can't focus so it;s not getting done.

i also need to clean my room but i'm too tiered for that. but dyl and i slept till noon or so and it's 4 now so i would feel bad sleeping THAT much.

i need to have pm snack soon

wishing i had more energy and things to do and structure. being out of highschool is really hard for me because theres no structure and no one to walk you through

my friend katie is away at college but her

chpeverill-conti's picture

Birthday review

on September 15, 2017 - 9:43am

Hey guys!
My 19th bday was ok. Not excellent but ok. It was pretty quiet.
I slept in a little and stuff. I got a package my mom ordered from my favorite etsy shop, themutantcircus, there was a cool skirt I'm wearing now with spikes, neon green lace and a patch and leather on the back. It's hard to explain. But it's cool! There were also some tee shirts and a cool skirt that wasn't a tee shirt. Dad and I went to the garment district (in cambridge) where I picked up some white overall shorts, a skull tee shirt and a BIG sweater. Then we went out for dumplings.

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Thursday September 07, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey all!

today was boring but not as boring as it could be.

bleached my hair platinum blond yesterday. looks really good!!!

had psych class today. we talked about the professor Wundt and social stereotypes.

then I met with my nutritionist. she mentioned that I should try to eat my fear food with her.. which I do NOT want to do. but I do want to get better...

was supposed to see my therapist today but instead I sat in my car, shut down, in the driveway, for an hour. lame, I know.

Tomorrow my family and I are heading to New Jersey, the town next to Trenton (aka frank-town) for my aunt's wedding (on Sunday). I'm a bridesmaid. I've never been to a wedding before. I like the red dress I chose for it.

Dyl is in California right now. He left a week ago and still has another week there. We've been together about 10 months. I really like being in love with my best friend. it makes talking so much easier. :)

now I'm just writing because I don't want to go to bed (its only 9) and don't have anything else to do but cut up my clothes so maybe i'll do that in a little while.

I recently discovered my shorts-overalls. I have been wearing them since I found them. I poured bleach on them and put studs and patches on them to make them look a little more me. really enjoying them, hoping to go to the garment district tomorrow with dad to pick up some regular, long overalls. the garment district is a thrift store in cambridge, by the way.

which brings me to another topic. dad got laid off yesterday. he is a very high paid position and the compony couldn't afford to pay him anymore. he was looking for other jobs anyways, he didn't really want to work for that co. anymore. but now we're just living on mom's income and her insurance isn't as good as dad's was i think...

Tuesday September 05, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hello my lovlies! It's only 9pm but I'm tiered so lets keep this short

had my first college intro to psych class. was really good, started the homework (due thurs). I just need to read ch 1 of the text book but they're long chapters! very interesting though

I also took out my pink and yellow waist length synthetic dreads. they were really tight on my head, so they were pulling my natural hair, giving me headaches and making my scalp sore and itchy. synthetic dreads don't always do this though! my first red/orange set was perfectly fine and lasted about a month.

went to the salon and got something between a pixie cut and a buzz cut. I would go full pixie but my hair is too short. hope to dye it purple when it's a little longer. Having pixie cuts or a shaved head makes me feel good about myself and beautiful, which is hard for me to feel. It makes me confident and I always get complements which makes me feel appreciated :)

thats all I got for now

Don't let this site die. don't let the mcrmy die

xoxoz

Sunday September 03, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

woah I haven't been online since may. a lot has happened since then. Well, not a lot. but some pretty big events.

First off, This site is all but dead! We need to pump some life back into it, guys! I'll admit, I haven't been the most present. Not just on this site, but with MCR in general. I gave away my MCR tees. I don't remember the last time I even listened to them. But this fandom remains my family. The friends I made on here in the beginning have stuck with me to the end.

On to the life events!

For one thing I graduated High School. Yay! Never need to go back to Beacon or Natick High again! I graduated in July.

Then, less than a week after graduating, I went into the hospital for my eating disorder for the fifth time. FIFTH!!! How fucked up is that???? five times.... I promised myself this will be the last, at least for a while if not for good. I got a life to live and I can't do that if I've waisted away.

Now back to good news! Even though I didn't get into a four year college, I'm starting mass bay community college on TUESDAY! Just a intro to phych class and intro to social welfare but still super exciting! I'm hoping to become a social worker and help people in drug and alcohol rehab programs or something along those lines.

Put in new synthetic dreads yesterday. These are bright pink and yellow stripes, like a candy cane :)

My aunt suzy is getting married in a week. I'm a bridesmaid along with my two cousins. and maybe more people but idk. I'm kinda excited. never been to a wedding before.

I'm gonna say this clearly cause I don't want to cheat on or abandon this site. I'm looking for other online communities. But there's none, not just like this in the sense of the people, but in sense of the format. It's like a community blog formed around a specific intrest.I just can't find anything like it no matter how hard I look... any sugestens?

well wishes!
xoxoz

Tuesday May 16, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

just watched a youtube video about manic episodes and its nothing like mine are. theirs was about being restless and productive. mine's very different from that. I wrote a list of ways to tell that I'm having a manic episode. they usally only last less than a day but i recetly was manic for a week when my meds were off. even if it's not the typical mania/hypo-mania, I still have the diagnosis. It's still valid. this is the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuA7HqhZW-4&t=315s

Hyper activity
Laughing uncontrollably
Moving fast
Unsafe ideas/actions
Crying
Screaming
hand tremor
Extra creative
out of control
Doing lots of things at once
Writing weird stories
Doing things that don't make sense (walking "like a crab")
Talking nonsense ("IM A FISH")
Productivity (sometimes)
INABILITY to calm down
everything is funny
feeling invincible/taking risks
Fast heart
Every idea is a good one
Feeling like exploding
Feeling uncontainable
People look scared
Refusing medication
Jumping
Dancing
Not respecting others' boundaries

Yup. Its a fun time until my parents take me to the ER haha. Or sedate me. I guess my mania is more dangerous that what the mania in this video.
anyways just thought id put that list together for myself as well as educate people without much knowledge of bipolar. and maybe one of you might identify with what i mean. if anyone has comments (which i doubt cause no one comes on anymore) PLEASE no comments with suicide/self injury references or talk because thats very triggering for me personally.
thanks for reading!
xoxoZ

Monday May 01, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

I don't feel like writing a blog. so I'll just do a list of thoughts and occurrences from the day.

why did i just spend an hour watching scene kids do makeup
only five days left of partial
got hair bleach
maybe i'll wear a skirt tomorrow
or maybe not
i think i'll do neon makeup tomorrow. that would be fun.
school on monday for the first time ion ~2 months. yikes.
made a few bracelets today
i don't know how i feel right now
i never know how i feel
i wish i didn't dissociate so much
my dog is really great
i want more dogs
those videos made me want to be a scene kid again. yikes
i'm glad i'm not scene anymore. those days were dark
started reading my immortal. oh boy.
gonna start saving my blogs cause what if they delete this page :'(
i have too much anxiety
i want to make a hat for the homeless man by my program. today he told me he was cold
i like that homeless man
it's 11:35 pm
i need to shower tomorrow and get up @6
good night
never mind i might read fanfiction first
or not

- Z

Wednesday April 26, 2017 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hey everyone who's still online!
I just wanted to share my new favorite music genre - folk punk! it's like acoustic angry punk with harmonics and guitars and stuff. The lyrics are primarily about drug addiction, alcoholism, being homeless, and society. Really about making the best of a bad situation. Drugs are bad, kids. But if you're already into it, might as well sing about it, right?
these are the songs I made in a mix CD for my friend called "this is: Folk punk":

Timeline - Apes of the State
House On Wheels - Ghost Mice
I Listened - Apes of the State
Acid Song - Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains
Hopeful/Scared - She/Her/Hers
Eulogy for and Adolescence Shattered Against Elliot Street Pavement - Ramshackle Glory
Urine Speaks Louder than Words - Wingnut Dishwasher's Union
Spilt Beer - Days N Daze
A Glorious Shipwreck - Pat The Bunny
Hi, Anxiety - Dollar Signs
I Love You - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Your Heart Is A Muscle The Size Of Your Fist - Ramshackle Glory

You guys should look up some of those bands on bandcamp as they aren't on youtube, spotify or itunes for the most part. On bandcamp you can download one of their albums for about $5 or free. And since the bands upload it for free themselves, it's entirely legal.
In the partial program at CEDC now. was at residential for five weeks too long. I don't even have an eating disorder any more.
still talk to killjoysneverdie, blood'yrevenge, sidtastic007, occasionally flightrisk. but not as much as I'd like to.
sized up my left ear hole (all my ear holes are different sizes)! Now it's the size 1/2 inch. have a neon yellow sillicon tunnel in.
tomorrow i have program, therapy, and a meeting with my nutritionist.
friday i have program, a party at my boyfriend's friend's house and a sleepover with my boyfriend
and then saturday I get to miss program and go to my last tattoo appt!
sounds like a good weekend to me. and prom is in about three weeks!
only 10:00 but I'm done. going to BED
love you all
xoxoZ