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chpeverill-conti's picture

Squirrel Day

on April 3, 2014 - 4:15am

I was bored.

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3 weeks...

on April 2, 2014 - 4:41am

3 weeks, that's how long i was clean for.
but then 3 nights ago i relapsed. did it again last night too.
such a fucking loser, i can't even go a month i used so many coping skills i learned from my program but in the end i gave in.
today i have an interview for 6-months of group therapy. i don't think they will let me in, because i haven't stopped the habit. I feel like I've turned into my bipolar, my anxiety, my failures. I don't deserve any help...
xoxo
-Z

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Squirrels

on April 1, 2014 - 4:16am

SO I was sad. I've been sad for a couple days after my streak of happiness.
I think I found what makes me happy:
http://www.omgsquirrel.com/
yes, omg squirrel . com. its a website devoted to squirrel pictures. at first it wans't helping, but then i hit reload and saw the sledding squirrel and the squirrel being blown in the wind. God, I fucking love squirrels.
xoxo
-Z

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Essay on why you should listen to MCR

on March 31, 2014 - 6:56am

Z Peverill-Conti
3/19/14

“It’s not a band - it’s an idea.”
My Chemical Romance (MCR) started in 2001, after singer Gerard Way witnessed the 9/11 attacks first hand. He joined Ray Toro (guitar), Frank Iero (guitar), Mikey Way (bass) and Matt Pelissier (drums, later replaced by Bob Bryar) together into a band with the goal of helping people. They released 4 albums over the 12 years that they were together. Unfortunately, on March 22, 2013, the band split up due to unknown causes. Despite the band’s break up, people still listen to MCR’s music for many reasons that should be considered.
One

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Sorry for all the posts, I just need to get this out

on March 28, 2014 - 5:51am

I'm okay. But at the same time, I'm not.
I feel like I'm honestly happy, but I also feel like I'm not.
It's like something is bubbling inside of me, waiting to explode.
What's wrong with being sad? WHat's wrong with being depressed? Whats wrong with being broken? I can't hurt myself anymore. Got ride of my tools. So why do people want to fix me? Sure, I don't like feeling this way, but I don't like feeling any way really, because all that I feel, it feels fake. And I don't want help right now because I don't need help right now. I'm not fine and that's okay.
there's so much fucking wrong with

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MY BLOG

Tuesday October 08, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

I’ve tried letting go of you for so long. And I am so tired of it.
Dating others does not help me move on, nor does losing contact with you or trying my hardest to stop thinking of you. Nothing works. So I decided to stop trying to let go of you, and just except that I’m not over you.
I can relate to Mayday Parade’s song, Miserable At Best. Especially the line “I miss the lips that made my fly.”
Do you remember? When I would smile so large while we kissed that we would have to stop for a moment? What about halloween? You must remember that. We were the happiest kids in the world that night. And how about the little things? Like when you read me that book about My Chemical Romance, and how I’m hooked on that band now? And that rusty saw blade, or the man that looked like Hagrid? Do those memories still mean anything to you? Because they mean the world to me.
There was something about you that was perfectly imperfect. Your life has been chaos, but you’ve been so strong about it. There’s something about being a bit off with a morbid sense of humor that I love. I don’t like you talking about Jeff. But if I could see you again, I would be able to stand it. I don’t think you know just how much I miss you. “You can love a person so much, but you can never love them as much as you can miss them.”
You know that I text Donna all the time to check in on you. Your grandmother is such a kind lady, she always gives me updates. You’ve just been moved to a hospital in Fall River. I hope this one suits you well, and maybe we can talk again.
I haven’t seen you in such a long time, my image of you that I visualize is probably very different from what you actually look like. I hear you’ve been wearing wigs and such, and your hair has most likely grown out anyways. Last time I saw you, your scars were plentiful and new. Hopefully there are no new ones and they have faded.

Wednesday October 02, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey all,
So many of you guys seem sad and lost. Keep your chin up, killjoys, and don't forget to make some noise! You ARE loveable and most definitely loved. I love all of you, and if you ever feel even a little bit off, inbox me. This isn't a request, it's an order. You all mean so much to me, I don't want one person on this site to feel off, sad, depressed, angry, lost, nothing. No more of the negative emotions. You are so beautiful and you are so worth it in every way. I'm your listening friend. I'm always here. Please, talk to me.
never let them take the light behind your eyes
xoxo
- Z
ps here, have a picture of me in second grade lol xD

Tuesday October 01, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

I ran through the door, glee clear on my face. I had just seen my dad’s band, Waiting For Neil, perform and a had great night. Nothing could ruin it. Or so I thought. I flopped down onto my laptop and logged into Facebook, where I had one notification. I clicked on it, to find that Rosie had left a comment on my wall. It read “Have you heard about MCR yet?”
Suddenly, a gush of fear washed over me. My Chemical Romance, my favorite band, my life. What could be wrong? A thousand thought san trough my head, had one of them died? Was something wrong with their family? Were they hurt? I rushed onto the official My Chemical Romance homepage, where there was a note that left me shocked.
“Being in this band for the past 12 years has been a true blessing. We've gotten to go places we never knew we would. We've been able to see and experience things we never imagined possible. We've shared the stage with people we admire, people we look up to, and best of all, our friends. And now, like all great things, it has come time for it to end. Thanks for all of your support, and for being part of the adventure.
My Chemical Romance”
What? No, My Chem couldn’t be over, they couldn’t end! I felt tears begin to boil in my eyes as I ran up to my room and collapsed on my bed. I sobbed for the band that had helped me through so much. That saved my life. That had ceased my self-harm habits. That had inspired me to create. That had inspired me to live.
Mom walked in cautiously and sat besides me.
“They really meant a lot to you, didn’t they?” she asked. She had no idea. Imagine a lifeline, the only thing to hold onto, and if it’s let go of, gone. Falling into a never ending hole of darkness, with no escape. A grey world. MCR kept me out of that world. They quite literally saved my life. Without them, I may very well not be here today. Or I could very possibly be in a hospital. They kept me sane. Where do I go when my sanity has gone?
My mom walked out, leaving me to my thoughts. It was now nearing 11:00 at night, I knew I should go to bed, but I wanted to do something to commemorate this life changing event that still hurts me today. I stayed up all night, writing out the lyrics to every song they had ever written, and hung them off my walls. They are still there, six months later.
Some people don’t understand how important MCR’s break up was for me and the rest of the fandom’s family. It was an end, but also a new beginning. Many people dropped out of the MCRmy (what fans refer to themselves as), but the people who stayed grew even closer. ToEveryEnemy, Blood’yRevenge, ThePatientOne, LoneStar, and me, we’re closer than ever now that our heroes are dead. With every bad comes a good, and I will be forever changed from what I learned from My Chemical Romance. 


Monday September 30, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
Haven't posted in a few days. Longish time I guess. Not really.
Anyways, homecoming was on Saturday. It was okay, I wore a suit and Monica wore a 50's dress. I like Monica a lot, and people were awww-ing over our slow dances. We were the cute lesbian couple. But something felt a little bit off, a tiny bit wrong. I don't think we're right. She's cute and prefect and beautiful, but she doesn't have that edge. She's missing a flaw. I can't be with someone who's too prefect, because I'm being honest here, I am flawed in ways and I want someone who really understands that, who's messed up, with a morbid sense of humor. Like J. I miss him. We had something that was terribly beautiful. He was a hurt little revenger who pulled me into this family. He taught me what pain meant, and although it hurt, I needed to see it. He showed me what love really is. And now I lost him. I think he's still been in the hospital, but his grandmother calls me sometimes to tell me how he's doing. We think he's getting better. All we want is for him to move in with his grandmother, then he wouldn't have the stress of foster homes. I really wish I didn't care for him like this because he hurt me so much when he hurt himself and when he was confused by who he was. Sometimes when I think back to what we were like when we were together, I think why did I ever like someone who did that? Because I can't help it. I've fallen.

Friday September 27, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hey, so homecoming is tomorrow. I'm going with my girlfriend and I want it to be really special for her. Do any of you have any thoughts on how I can make her night perfect?
She's wearing a super light mint green 50's style dress and I'm wearing a casual suit-thing. Meaning black skinny jeans, a white button down shirt and a black blazer. It's really thrown together, but I have no money.
Thanks for any information you have :)
- Z

Tuesday September 24, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
So now I'm seriously questioning my gender. My girlfriend has been very supportive of me, and has helped me open my mind. I wasn't always this way. When I was little, I thought I was half boy half girl. But other than that I was very girly. Up until I was in about fifth grade, that is. But then, things began to change. I started liking dresses less and less, and I stopped wishing for long hair (my mother had always cut it short). I realized that I identified as a homosexual. Now, or since 7th grade, I'm not sure if the term 'lesbian' fits me. It doesn't fit me because lesbian refers to a female who is attracted to other females. I was/am not sure if I identify as female.
The reason this is so confusing is that I really didn't feel this way when I was younger, and everyone always goes on about 'born this way.' Was I born this way? Has my gender always been hiding? Or did my gender develop as I grew older? I wish I knew. It makes me feel like such an outsider, I'm nervous that other genderqueer people wouldn't accept me because of this.
It's not that I hate my body. It's that it's not quite right, but not wrong either. I identify as male and female. Mainly male, though. I feel so... free when I can let lose and just act manly. I feel good that way. But I'm scared, what if I'm wrong? What if it's a phase? I don't know what to do with myself right now. But I know I'll figure it out some day.
Thanks for listening
- Z