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chpeverill-conti's picture

Sorry for all the posts, I just need to get this out

on March 28, 2014 - 5:51am

I'm okay. But at the same time, I'm not.
I feel like I'm honestly happy, but I also feel like I'm not.
It's like something is bubbling inside of me, waiting to explode.
What's wrong with being sad? WHat's wrong with being depressed? Whats wrong with being broken? I can't hurt myself anymore. Got ride of my tools. So why do people want to fix me? Sure, I don't like feeling this way, but I don't like feeling any way really, because all that I feel, it feels fake. And I don't want help right now because I don't need help right now. I'm not fine and that's okay.
there's so much fucking wrong with

chpeverill-conti's picture

Job Didn't work out

on March 28, 2014 - 5:18am

there were too many people, the work was too stressful, and my work permit says I can only work till 7 but they need me till 8. So it's not working out anymore :/
xoxo
- Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Got A Job

on March 27, 2014 - 11:01am

I've never had a job before, but Green Leaf Café (the vegan/vegetarian restaurant) just hired me to bus tables. I'm working today, tomorrow, saturday and sunday. but today and friday are training sessions. I hope it works out. :)
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Haven't Posted In A While

on March 24, 2014 - 5:03am

Hey guys,
Sorry I haven't been online in awhile. To be honest, not much has been going on. My mood's been stable (Yay lithium!) Schools been fine enough, and my album is going well.
It's sad, all the people who were posting when I started on this site, a year ago from tomorrow, don't post here anymore. I'm glad that new people are coming on though, it shows that the MCRmy is still alive, and still expanding.
Hopefully I'll post soon, hope you are all doing well!
xoxo
- Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

dun dun DUN

on March 20, 2014 - 6:27am

I've been doing GREAT for the past couple weeks, and been taking advantage of that by being ectra creative. But I've been sleeping a ton more so my psychiatrist and my therapist both said that that probably means I'm gonna hit a low soon, and should prepare. I made 3 safety plans that should help me get through. I also want to make a safety box of things that help me get through. I already have knitting, lotion and bubble bath. Any suggestions?
xoxo
- Z

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Monday September 30, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
Haven't posted in a few days. Longish time I guess. Not really.
Anyways, homecoming was on Saturday. It was okay, I wore a suit and Monica wore a 50's dress. I like Monica a lot, and people were awww-ing over our slow dances. We were the cute lesbian couple. But something felt a little bit off, a tiny bit wrong. I don't think we're right. She's cute and prefect and beautiful, but she doesn't have that edge. She's missing a flaw. I can't be with someone who's too prefect, because I'm being honest here, I am flawed in ways and I want someone who really understands that, who's messed up, with a morbid sense of humor. Like J. I miss him. We had something that was terribly beautiful. He was a hurt little revenger who pulled me into this family. He taught me what pain meant, and although it hurt, I needed to see it. He showed me what love really is. And now I lost him. I think he's still been in the hospital, but his grandmother calls me sometimes to tell me how he's doing. We think he's getting better. All we want is for him to move in with his grandmother, then he wouldn't have the stress of foster homes. I really wish I didn't care for him like this because he hurt me so much when he hurt himself and when he was confused by who he was. Sometimes when I think back to what we were like when we were together, I think why did I ever like someone who did that? Because I can't help it. I've fallen.

Friday September 27, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hey, so homecoming is tomorrow. I'm going with my girlfriend and I want it to be really special for her. Do any of you have any thoughts on how I can make her night perfect?
She's wearing a super light mint green 50's style dress and I'm wearing a casual suit-thing. Meaning black skinny jeans, a white button down shirt and a black blazer. It's really thrown together, but I have no money.
Thanks for any information you have :)
- Z

Tuesday September 24, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
So now I'm seriously questioning my gender. My girlfriend has been very supportive of me, and has helped me open my mind. I wasn't always this way. When I was little, I thought I was half boy half girl. But other than that I was very girly. Up until I was in about fifth grade, that is. But then, things began to change. I started liking dresses less and less, and I stopped wishing for long hair (my mother had always cut it short). I realized that I identified as a homosexual. Now, or since 7th grade, I'm not sure if the term 'lesbian' fits me. It doesn't fit me because lesbian refers to a female who is attracted to other females. I was/am not sure if I identify as female.
The reason this is so confusing is that I really didn't feel this way when I was younger, and everyone always goes on about 'born this way.' Was I born this way? Has my gender always been hiding? Or did my gender develop as I grew older? I wish I knew. It makes me feel like such an outsider, I'm nervous that other genderqueer people wouldn't accept me because of this.
It's not that I hate my body. It's that it's not quite right, but not wrong either. I identify as male and female. Mainly male, though. I feel so... free when I can let lose and just act manly. I feel good that way. But I'm scared, what if I'm wrong? What if it's a phase? I don't know what to do with myself right now. But I know I'll figure it out some day.
Thanks for listening
- Z

Tuesday September 24, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Attention: All My Chemical Romance fans who have begun to give up. PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE OUT OF YOUR DAY TO READ THIS AND PASS IT ALONG.
We have to have to HAVE TO keep this fandom alive. Everyone is abandoning it. We can't give up. My Chemical Romance is still a part of my heart. The role plays are dying, the fan fictions are dropping, the radio stations aren't getting requests for them anymore, it's sad. If you loved MCR as much as I did you wouldn't abandon it and leave it to die. Gerard said "MCR is gone, but it can never die." Its alive in US. We have to stay strong! I can't stand watching the website be deserted and the RPs fall flat. Anyone who sees this pass it along. Repost, reblog, take a picture, quote. ANYTHING. I don't want a single MCR fan in the world to go without seeing this. If you've left the fandom, if you've stopped being a part of this wonderful amazing family, please, go back to your role playing accounts, go back to mychemicalromance.com, write another fan fiction, keep this GOING. But please, I'm begging you, go back to it. deviantART, Wattpad, Tumblr, Twitter, FanFiction, MCRmy, ANYHTING. What if there's that one person on that website who's waiting for a message? Who really wants to read your story? Who wants to talk to you because if she doesn't she might give up? We're more than just MCR. We make art, love, power, happiness for everyone else in the fandom. Please take the time to read this and just check one last time. I can't stand to see this once amazing beautiful family fall to pieces.

Monday September 23, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

My heroes are gone... what will I do when I post a blog on here and there's no one here to reply. When I'm the only one left. When everyone else moves on, and I'm stuck in my own little solitary world here.
What about when things don't get better. What do I do then?
I'm just not okay. And I don't know what to do. My friends must hate me, I'm always so depressing to be around. I'm going to end up losing them all, but I don't care anymore. I'm done. I feel empty. Lost. Useless. My girlfriend, I don't know how she's still happy. She's so happy. Always happy, radiating true happiness. How haven't I pulled her under? I'm trying so hard not to hurt her, but I don't trust myself to accidentally pain her.
Last year, I did something terrible. I trust everyone in the MCRmy, that's why I'm telling you guys. I had sex last year. In a mall bathroom. With my best friend. And I'm still in pain from it, whenever we're hanging out I can't help but remember what I did to him, what I did to myself. I used myself, I raped myself.
I hurt myself. And look at where that got me.
xoxo
- Z

Saturday September 21, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

reblog this message from wherever you read it on any site at all, so if she goes online at all, she will see our message. please go along with this idea, I really want lonestar to see that we care. use, here, facebook, twitter, tumblr, deviantart, message it to her, just get this across to her, so she WILL see it, and know we care about her, and that she has soooo much to live for. it's been too long without her, she needs to return to the zones!! also add your killjoy name to the bottom of this blog when you reblog, so she can see how many people care. :)

xxx we love you lonestar xxx

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Chpeverill-Conti (CosmicConstellation)