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chpeverill-conti's picture

the gender machine

on April 11, 2014 - 6:10am

heres a poem i wrote hope you enjoy :)
-----------------------------------------------------------
The washing machine goes round and round. The colors blend together. The funny thing about the washing machine, is the colors are my gender.
I wish I had sorted my colors out many years ago. Because now a days, all you can say, is it’s a phase, that I don’t know.
Maybe it’s true, that I don’t have a clue if I’m green or red or blue. But may I ask why? Do I have to try? I’m simply a beautiful freaking rainbow.
-----------------------------------------------------------
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

the gender machine

on April 11, 2014 - 6:09am

heres a poem i wrote hope you enjoy :)
-----------------------------------------------------------
The washing machine goes round and round. The colors blend together. The funny thing about the washing machine, is the colors are my gender.
I wish I had sorted my colors out many years ago. Because now a days, all you can say, is it’s a phase, that I don’t know.
Maybe it’s true, that I don’t have a clue if I’m green or red or blue. But may I ask why? Do I have to try? I’m simply a beautiful freaking rainbow.
-----------------------------------------------------------
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Dying... Again

on April 10, 2014 - 6:13am

had to leave during 1st block because I was sad. I'm such a wuss. The day started off good, a little rocky but I was over all ok. Now all I can think about is the song "sarcasm" by Get Scared. I want to destroy myself. Ip myself into tiny little pieces until there's nothing less.
I want to go home.
I could go home, all I would need to do is tell Mrs. DeRocher that I feel like a slug with salt being slowly dropped on it's back. one grain at a time. I feel like today I'm just going to get worse and WORSE and WORST. And I can't stop it here.
Also, I want to use my safety box.

chpeverill-conti's picture

Gerard

on April 9, 2014 - 6:17am

Happy birthday Gerard!
Lots of love from the MCRmy, good luck with everything!
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Gerard

on April 9, 2014 - 6:16am

Happy birthday Gerard!
Lots of love from the MCRmy, good luck with everything!
xoxo
-Z

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MY BLOG

Friday November 22, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
I don’t if you guys noticed, but I’ve been away for nine days. Why? I had to go to the hospital. I think that all of you guys deserve to know where I was, because I trust all of you.
It started on November 10th, when I relapsed with the unspeakable. I’d say what I did, but then this will be taken down. Yeah, I did that. Then I did it again around 9:00 pm on November 11th. I did it a lot, and I was scared. So I texted ToEveryEnemy from this site, we’re very good friends, and she told me that I had to tell someone and get help. I didn’t feel comfortable telling my parents in the moment, and I knew I needed more help this time. So I dialed 911. The police and ambulance were there within 3 minuets, and as soon as I saw the flashing lights, I was so nervous. I’d never been that scared before. I raced down the stairs and outside. The police men saw me, and one went in to the house to tell my mom they were taking me and the others helped me into the ambulance. As I rode to the ER, there was a man in the ambulance named Josh, who was a very nice person. When I got to the ER they dressed my leg and I sat there doing NOTHING for, literally, six hours. Skip a little while, slept, then next morning they took me to the CDU (Child development unit) Where I made friends, went to group therapy, ate pasta with maple syrup, laughed and cried, and formed a satanic cult. I actually liked it there.
I got home on the 20th, and I feel a lot better now.
Comment or inbox me with any questions or comments :)
- Z

Friday November 08, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey all,
So I've been thinking a lot. About J. I think that if I am to move on from him, I'll need to start seeing/thinking about other people. I gave J my heart, then ran away with it. Maybe if I fall for someone else, I'll be able to get it back. The only problem: I don't wanna look for love. I'm not sure if I even want to fall in love. Is it worth the risk? Will I ever be able to forget J? He was something special.
There are other good, fun, cool kids out there though, right? I don't want to be stuck on the same kid for the rest of my life, especially when he's at a point in his life where he is currently unstable. He's been in the hospital for about a year (on 12/21). I need to move on.
I would defiantly prefer (but not require) a girl with a similar music taste of music, who is at least more femme than me (not saying much there), and is laid back. I know that these features would be difficult to get all of, but I want my next relationship to be meaningful. But meaning also means higher chances for pain. I'm not sure, I'm scared...
- Z

Thursday November 07, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys, The Patient One on here keeps getting the "Unpublished" message while trying to post a blog, does anyone know why or how to fix it?
- Z

Wednesday November 06, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
Today I was in my music theory class and we had a very long discussion about how sports get so much recognition in school, but the arts and music do not. We went really in depths about how some bands are still playing after 20-40 years and athletes only play sports for about three years. I'm not saying that sports aren't important, I'm just saying that music and artists should get the same amount of credit at least as athletes. A ton of people love sports. For someone to go into the sports career is not as big of a risk as joining the music and artist field because since so many people like sports, if you can play then you're golden. In arts, it's a much bigger risk because creativity means starting something new, using your own thoughts and ideas, then putting them out to the world. There's a huge chance that your ideas will be denied by the public and you will be rejected.
Anyways, I think that it's worth the risk, as long as you're happy. So that's what I intend to do. I want to be happy, so I will be happy through the hardships. Also, if I make music, I'll be giving back to the people who helped me so much. Who saved my life.
Thanks for reading my rant :)
- Z

Tuesday November 05, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

I lay on the operating table, my chest cut open. My monsters, my demons, my light, my dark, all visible. My soul open and bleeding out. I could see everything. Every part of me, every element of myself. All there. The good and the bad.
***
Now, standing in front of the mirror, my reflection stares back. Glaring. Not sure of what it is, I ask.
“What are you? Are you me? Or perhaps what I wish to become?”
“I am every part of you that is true.” the monster replied “I am a man and a woman. I am young and old. I am questions and I am answers. Fear and courage, love and spite. I am lost and found, hope and distress. If you can dream it, you can be it. So ask away, mortal. For I know exactly what we are.”
I pondered for a moment, searching for a response. The monster continued glaring at me.
“Who am I?” I finally ask.
“We, we are everything. You and me, we hold all the answers. A person can never be solved, for when one question is answered, another arises. All we are is a mystery.” The monster’s eyes soften, and I understand.
***
A lost child, alone, searching for love in the dark. I sit next to her, and she glazes up at me with large, curious eyes. She is confused.
“Monster, are you a boy or a girl?”
“I am not certain, child. For when I look in the mirror, a woman smiles back. But she is a deceiving devil, a tricky beast. When I search in my soul, a proud, courageous man is seen. A prince who is lost inside a princess. I am both.
But the question remains, child. Can a monster be a girl or boy? I think not. I think a monster is a monster, and all a monster can do is hurt.”
Removing myself from the bench, I wonder who my next victim will be and if I can make their fall any softer.
***

There you go guys! That's just a bit of writing/self reflecting I did the other day. My gender is just confusing me to no end, and I can't stand it any more. I want to come out as genderqueer. I want to be referred to as they/them/theirs or he/him/his. When I wake up, I always think "maybe today people will just get it. Maybe today people will understand me." But it never happens. I hate when people don't understand me, but I don't understand myself. I wish people could get it that I AM NOT A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
Please inbox me, I need someone to talk to.
xoxo
- Z

Thursday October 31, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Happy Birthday and Ieroween! We Love you, Frank!!
And on an unrelated side note the seniors at my school have awesome costumes. I'm being a skeleton, what are you guys being? Are you trick-or-treating?
- Z