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chpeverill-conti's picture

Dying... Again

on April 10, 2014 - 6:13am

had to leave during 1st block because I was sad. I'm such a wuss. The day started off good, a little rocky but I was over all ok. Now all I can think about is the song "sarcasm" by Get Scared. I want to destroy myself. Ip myself into tiny little pieces until there's nothing less.
I want to go home.
I could go home, all I would need to do is tell Mrs. DeRocher that I feel like a slug with salt being slowly dropped on it's back. one grain at a time. I feel like today I'm just going to get worse and WORSE and WORST. And I can't stop it here.
Also, I want to use my safety box.

chpeverill-conti's picture

Gerard

on April 9, 2014 - 6:17am

Happy birthday Gerard!
Lots of love from the MCRmy, good luck with everything!
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Gerard

on April 9, 2014 - 6:16am

Happy birthday Gerard!
Lots of love from the MCRmy, good luck with everything!
xoxo
-Z

chpeverill-conti's picture

Goodbyes are hard

on April 8, 2014 - 5:37am

Hey guys,
So I go To WAGLY (Western Suburban Alliance of Gay and Lesbian youth) and have for about 3 years. WAGLY is my home.
For a while now, we've had an intern, Hayden. He's a senior in college and he also likes MCR and is not cis, like me. It's really nice to have someone I can relate to.
Last night I found out that he's leaving at the end of the month. It was really hard for me to hear. So, I talked to Marie (the adult advisor). More of cried to her, I hate crying in front of people and I hadn't cried in forever but I couldn't help it.

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Resurected

on April 7, 2014 - 10:34am

I would like to thank straightjacket for saving me, I was very very sad and in a matter of MINETS she cheered me up. I can't thank her enough, so everyone try to disregard that last dying post for now, and send straightjacket nice messages because she's my hero <3<3<3
xoxo
- Z

Pages

MY BLOG

Thursday November 07, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys, The Patient One on here keeps getting the "Unpublished" message while trying to post a blog, does anyone know why or how to fix it?
- Z

Wednesday November 06, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
Today I was in my music theory class and we had a very long discussion about how sports get so much recognition in school, but the arts and music do not. We went really in depths about how some bands are still playing after 20-40 years and athletes only play sports for about three years. I'm not saying that sports aren't important, I'm just saying that music and artists should get the same amount of credit at least as athletes. A ton of people love sports. For someone to go into the sports career is not as big of a risk as joining the music and artist field because since so many people like sports, if you can play then you're golden. In arts, it's a much bigger risk because creativity means starting something new, using your own thoughts and ideas, then putting them out to the world. There's a huge chance that your ideas will be denied by the public and you will be rejected.
Anyways, I think that it's worth the risk, as long as you're happy. So that's what I intend to do. I want to be happy, so I will be happy through the hardships. Also, if I make music, I'll be giving back to the people who helped me so much. Who saved my life.
Thanks for reading my rant :)
- Z

Tuesday November 05, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

I lay on the operating table, my chest cut open. My monsters, my demons, my light, my dark, all visible. My soul open and bleeding out. I could see everything. Every part of me, every element of myself. All there. The good and the bad.
***
Now, standing in front of the mirror, my reflection stares back. Glaring. Not sure of what it is, I ask.
“What are you? Are you me? Or perhaps what I wish to become?”
“I am every part of you that is true.” the monster replied “I am a man and a woman. I am young and old. I am questions and I am answers. Fear and courage, love and spite. I am lost and found, hope and distress. If you can dream it, you can be it. So ask away, mortal. For I know exactly what we are.”
I pondered for a moment, searching for a response. The monster continued glaring at me.
“Who am I?” I finally ask.
“We, we are everything. You and me, we hold all the answers. A person can never be solved, for when one question is answered, another arises. All we are is a mystery.” The monster’s eyes soften, and I understand.
***
A lost child, alone, searching for love in the dark. I sit next to her, and she glazes up at me with large, curious eyes. She is confused.
“Monster, are you a boy or a girl?”
“I am not certain, child. For when I look in the mirror, a woman smiles back. But she is a deceiving devil, a tricky beast. When I search in my soul, a proud, courageous man is seen. A prince who is lost inside a princess. I am both.
But the question remains, child. Can a monster be a girl or boy? I think not. I think a monster is a monster, and all a monster can do is hurt.”
Removing myself from the bench, I wonder who my next victim will be and if I can make their fall any softer.
***

There you go guys! That's just a bit of writing/self reflecting I did the other day. My gender is just confusing me to no end, and I can't stand it any more. I want to come out as genderqueer. I want to be referred to as they/them/theirs or he/him/his. When I wake up, I always think "maybe today people will just get it. Maybe today people will understand me." But it never happens. I hate when people don't understand me, but I don't understand myself. I wish people could get it that I AM NOT A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
Please inbox me, I need someone to talk to.
xoxo
- Z

Thursday October 31, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Happy Birthday and Ieroween! We Love you, Frank!!
And on an unrelated side note the seniors at my school have awesome costumes. I'm being a skeleton, what are you guys being? Are you trick-or-treating?
- Z

Monday October 28, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Well, we think we know why I'm always cold now. Why my fingers turn blue. Why I'm always shivering. Why the doctors can't get my oxygen.
I might be anemic.
My friend, Lauren, is in her 30's and a nurse. When I described to her all my symptoms, she said it's very possible since I'm vegetarian, underweight, and "of child bearing age."
It's strange to think of, though. There's a reason for how cold I am? Really? I'm glad there's an explanation, though. I've started taking a very small dose of iron to try to help, now. I hope it works.
Have a good day!
- Z

Wednesday October 23, 2013 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey all,
I've been thinking a ton about what I want to do with my life. All I know now is I want to help people and I want to be happy with whatever it is I'm doing. I hope this means music. My music is my life, it's my DNA, my voice, every cell in me is made for music. It's how I cope and survive. I want people to be able to relate to my lyrics. For people to smile because of me. To same lives. To make someone put down the blade. To make a life worth living. To be someone's MCR. And if I can't do something that makes me happy, why bother? Sure, I would have an income. But I don't put money before my goals. I don't want to live my life like that.
- Z