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chpeverill-conti's picture

How Punk Is helping my reccovery

on September 28, 2016 - 5:56pm

This is an excerpt from my journal. I'd love it if you guys read it and commented :) It's a mental revolution I came to about how punk can save me from my eating disorder and made me feel very hopeful!
======================
I weigh ___.__ lbs. FUCK. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel the need to restrict or the urge to purge. Listening to Wingnut Dishwasher's Union, Pat The Bunny and Johnny Hobo And The Freight Trains, ect. It makes me feel inspired and kinda bad cause an eating disorder is everything punk rock is NOT about.

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discharge tomorrow

on September 10, 2016 - 6:20am

hey guys
I'm getting discharged at 11 tomorrow. so that's great :)
when we went out for fresh air this morning there was a really cute dog! and we got to pet it!
sorry I haven't been commenting or posting much. I'll be doing more of that once I'm home. I miss you guys but I'm glad I've been able to email with some of you, like cheriselynn, fefedarkboy13, and mcrnut_86. Getting emails form you guys really helps :)
I'm almost half way done with New Moon and it's like 600 pages! proud of myself for that :)
we did 16 puzzles. they're all over the floor :P
Last night we did high school musical

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site related dream

on September 6, 2016 - 4:32am

last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with BrokenUp and we went on the site and the messenger was working again and you could post pictures with your blog again and we cried and hugged each other a lot because we were so happy. Then we went to Target.
I miss the messenger system so much, I've tried emailing WB and commenting on their blogs and everything but I guess they're too busy for us...
xoxoZ

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UPDTE

on September 5, 2016 - 8:08am

hey guys
Still in resi but dad expects I'll be out by the end of the week. I've been pretty meal compliant so I'm sure he's right
Good news - 9 days until my 18th birthday. 12 days until I get my 3/4 sleeve tattoo!
Mom's visiting me today.
I have to do my SAT practice test but it's so hard to focus... Especially on the reading section.
Group now.
xoxoZ

chpeverill-conti's picture

Back to the begining

on August 31, 2016 - 6:50pm

Going back to residential care tomorrow or Friday.
Really upset at myself for having to go back.
I got through resi, partial, and only had two more days of IOP before discharge. And now I'm going back to the beginning. My clinition said I can pick up where I left of though, so that's good. And he says he expects it'll be shorter than my last stay (3.5 weeks) and the staff there are really nice. But I really wish I didn't have to go...
I'll try to blog but I can't make any promises
xoxoZ

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Thursday August 18, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

this is a poem I wrote when I was thinking about my ex and kinda worked up. It's a compilation of some things he's said to me in the last 2 months. We were together for 13 months. Some of this stuff may be offensive. Anything in parenthesis is my comment. He wasn't a bad person, he just wasn't good for me. I just needed to get this out. And I need to valadate my experience so this is how I'm doing that. and Ace, if for some reason you find this, I'm sorry. But this is for ME.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why I Broke Up With Him

Phatty
Your fucking dumb
are you going to be weid and shitty the whole time?
Muslims fuck goats (I know guys..... Sorry......)
Fagot
Loooser
Pusssy
its a dumb problem
look for a not gay moped
a scooter is too gay
Gayyy
Diiiiipshit
Looooser
you suuuuck
the fuck is wrong with you??
the fuck are you saying?
Lammmme
when black guys shoot u and drive aways (...)
put it online and say u have cancer (when I shaved my head)
looooooooser
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks for letting me get that frustration out, burnt some steam off.
love y'all
xoxoZ

Thursday August 18, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey all,
I saw nxxdmoreslxxp's blog about how the site feels kinda empty. It's true, it's sorta slow. Just wanted to remind you all that the best way we can keep the site running is keep blogging! If you don't have anything to say, just post saying hello! ask a question to be answered in the comments! talk about your day! rant! song lyrics! I don't care, just talk about something and I, personally, will do my best to read and comment as many blogs as I can, cause I know how great it can feel to receive a comment :) Just keep blogging, and everything will be fine :) The MCRmy never dies!
In other news, well.... Where to start.... I never mentioned her on here before because I felt that she was way too out of my league. She's REALLY cool, and really sweet. Listens to good music. We met at the mall in March (I think) and started hanging out casually. On tuesday I was at her house. We were snuggling and stuff and then she kissed me :) I still can't believe she likes me back, it's actually a huge self esteem boost to know that my feelings are reciprocated. But she just had surgery so for now we can't hang out :( But it's ok, I'd rather her take the time to rest and heal
so that's my life rn. I left out some stuff that I thought would be a little inappropriate for the site haha. Hope youre all doing well and KEEP POSTING EVERY DAY!
xoxoZ

Wednesday August 10, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey!
So I bought my car (a 2011 Volkswagon tiguan in black) a little over a week ago. It's been getting cleaned up and the dealership has been waiting for my ownership papers to come in since then. But tomorrow we're going to cash the check and maybe take the car home! If not today then friday. I got a bunch of LGBTQ bumper stickers in the Castro (the rainbow part of San Fransisco) and some key chains too. Also got stickers for my car at Warped. My car is gonna be the gay-mobile and it's gonna be great! I'm really excited to have my own car :)
Bought Gerard red hair dye today. The same color I had in summer before 9th grade. It's a very nice color and it lasts a long time. I had it in for a month while I was at CAMP! No hair dye stays in throughout summer camp but this one did cause it's awesome :)
Program was hard today. I don't want to get too into it incase it triggers some of you. But I lost weight because I used behaviors a little. My clinition said he's worried and If I lose any more weight they'll have to add more food to my plan and maybe send me to a higher level of care...
Very nice of GoldenDragon and NeonParade for talking to me on kik! I love talking to you guys and if anyone else has any intrest in talking to another MCR kid, my kik is zzombieyum <3
xoxoZ

Sunday August 07, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Warped was AWESOME! I saw ghost town, Sleeping with Sirens, Falling in Reverse, a little of Mayday Parade, New Found Glory, Sum 41, Whitechapel and Yellowcard.
I went to charity tents and merch tents. Got a ton of stickers and buttons. Bought a "I'm a fucking feminist" shirt, A Plug Your Holes shirt and a shirt from a charity that donates to eating disorder programs and treatment. Also got 4 FREE sampler CDs!
there's no moshing/crowd surfing signs all over the place but SO much moshing and surfing. which is great for me cause I live for that stuff. Whitechapel was brutal! the circle pit was HUGE! I lost my phone surfing but someone gave it back (thank fuck). I got my foot stepped on by what must of been a HUGE boot, because I was wearing doc martins and it STILL hurts the next day. A lot. I also got a shoulder to the mouth and it STILL hurts haha.
I love how people picked me up when I fell in the pits. I love how people worked so hard not to let me fall while surfing. I love how people were constantly asking me if I was ok. I love how people stood in front of me and held me back when I was done moshing, to keep me safely out of the pit. I love how people clear a path for people to get out of the crowd when they're scared or done or hurt. It's such a supportive crowd. Everyone just wants everyone else to have a good time, and everyone helps to make sure everyone's doing what they want to do to have fun.
Also, there was this guy dressed as batman with the mash too! I got him to get me up surfing. So now I can check that off my bucket list haha :)
NeonParade, I didn't know you live in Cali! That's where I am now, on vacation! Isn't that cool :)
GOing to san francisco today to meet up with a friend and shop and hang out I'm so excited cause there's thrift store!!!
xoxoZ

Thursday August 04, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys

I'm in Cali right now! took a 6 hour flight from the east coast from the west coast. Got to see all of America from really high up and it looked SO cool! The flight was kinda bumpy and that made me anxious but otherwise it was fine. Slept a lot.

When we arrived at my aunt and uncle's house, we hung out for a little while, then went to Piercing Pagoda to get my ears pierced (again)! I got my third hole on my left ear and my fourth on the right (I despise symmetry). It didn't even hurt at all, despite the fourth hole being half on my lobe, half on the cartilage. It looks great and I am very happy with it. And it wasn't that expensive either, only $21 :)

We went out for bubble tea after dinner. I got a mocha pudding bubble tea with boba. It's ok, but I'm not sold on it. It's too filling and I don't want to get into it but my eating disorder thoughts kept telling me to stop drinking it, so I put it in the fridge for now so I can take a break and clear my head the best I can. But I'll try my best to come back to it later.

Tomorrow we're going hiking in the red wood forest where there are the biggest trees! I'm so excited, I love nature.

Then on Saturday I'm going to Warped Tour!!!!!!! I can't wait since I haven't be to Warped since 2013, when I was 14. I'm excited to see Sum 41, FIR, Four Year Strong, New Found Glory, Yellowcard, Mayday Parade, State Champs, The Story So Far, Ghost Town, Teenage Bottlerocket, and Whitechapel. And I'm excited to go to the charity tents. Do any of you go to Warped? Do you guys like any of the bands I listed?

Then the rest of my trip (till Tuesday) I'll be in San Fransisco, which is supposed to have lots of fun alternative shops. I love shopping WAYYYY too much so this is very exciting :)

I'll update you all throughout my trip and I'll comment on as many blogs as I can :)
Hope you all are doing well!
xoxoZ

Saturday July 30, 2016 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

Hey guys,
So tomorrow I have my driving test. I'm so nervous. Been waking up super early because I'm so worried I'll fail and can't sleep because of it. I know I can do it, I'm good at parallel parking, have to do a three point turn to get out of my driveway so I know how to do that. I follow the speed limit and signs and road rules. But what if I screw up and make a dumb little mistake? Like what if I don't signal when turning out from a curb or going into parallel park? What if I don't look over my shoulder enough? What if I don't look in my mirrors enough? What if it's raining and I forget to put on my headlights? What if I exceed the 10 mph parking lot speed limit? There's SO many "what if's" and I can't afford to fail this test. Home life gets pretty rough, and being able to drive without a parent in the car would mean I could escape when ever I need to. I could leave and not have to watch this shit. It would be very beneficial for my mental health. My parent's know that and understand why, so I'll be getting a cheap(er) car ASAP so I can just go away. I can't wait :)
I'll update you guys as soon as I know if I pass or fail
love ya'll!
xoxoZ