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chpeverill-conti's picture

goodbye mcr x5/update

on March 22, 2018 - 5:50am

we said goodbye 5 years ago
still miss them like crazy
but i'm doing ok still
when i wake up and look in the mirror,
i'm either pretty or ugly
today is a pretty day
my eyes look soft
need to leave for class in ten minuets
we had a delayed start because of the snow
when it's warm out
im going to dye my pit hair
blue or purple?
maybe one of each
i tried to post a poem last night
but the spam filter said no
stupid spam filter
xoxoz

chpeverill-conti's picture

quick blog

on March 1, 2018 - 5:38am

i have to lelave for math class in about 5-8 min.
my "L" key is kinda broken so if it types or llooks weird thats why. im not fixing my L's.
im actuallly doing very welll right now. insurance is talking to my family therapist today to see if i get more time at IOP. I THINK I'm in a space where i could do with more time but if i dont get more time i;ll be okay.
on the 25th of this month i willl have been on this website for 5 years. what the fuck. thats exciting.
today i have math class, nutritionalist meeting, therapy, potentiallly iop and some homework to do
yesterday i got a lletter in the

chpeverill-conti's picture

self care day

on February 16, 2018 - 10:10am

heyo
its been awful quiet here!
not much going on in my life. sociology was cancelled today and on Wednesday so thats a nice little treat.
i'm just about to play sims. going to build my house. that should take a bit of work, since although i don't live in a HUGE house, its a house for 4 people who all need their space. so it might take a while to make my house perfect.
i have decided that today is going to be my self care day. i'm going to do what i want to do to take care of my mental health and have a day off.

chpeverill-conti's picture

i'm going to try. for real this time.

on February 13, 2018 - 8:47am

hello to anyone who still visits this website!
I'm just here. at home. drinking a mocha latte.
I feel like I need to write about stuff today.
had IOP last night, i think i mentioned in my last blog that insurance approved maybe 3 days of IOP. I wasn't able to eat too much. a couple bites of my rice bowl and two yogurts with almonds in it and maybe 3/4 of my juice. i didn't get to most of my rice bowl, any of my applesauce, or my dessert.
but i think i'm ok with it.
i'm ok with it because i realized i might not be trying hard enough.

chpeverill-conti's picture

today and yesterday's update

on February 10, 2018 - 4:52pm

hellloooo
it's Saturday. great to have a break from school.
feeling a bit less depressed since i upped my mood stabilizer :)
insurance FINALLY got back to me! they approved IOP. they said i can go on Monday, and they tend to approve 6 days at a time so i'm good for two weeks of iop :)
last night I was NOT doing well. i was searching and looking at mega triggering pictures of skinny girls. I was counting up what i'd eaten that day... i went on sites that can only hurt me.

Pages

MY BLOG

Thursday March 01, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

i have to lelave for math class in about 5-8 min.
my "L" key is kinda broken so if it types or llooks weird thats why. im not fixing my L's.
im actuallly doing very welll right now. insurance is talking to my family therapist today to see if i get more time at IOP. I THINK I'm in a space where i could do with more time but if i dont get more time i;ll be okay.
on the 25th of this month i willl have been on this website for 5 years. what the fuck. thats exciting.
today i have math class, nutritionalist meeting, therapy, potentiallly iop and some homework to do
yesterday i got a lletter in the mail that i got into University of Maine, very excited!!!! now i can chose between there and UNE. im not sure which illl chose but im visiting the schools in the next moth or two.
i need to go to class now. talk later dudes!!
xoxoz

Friday February 16, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

heyo
its been awful quiet here!
not much going on in my life. sociology was cancelled today and on Wednesday so thats a nice little treat.
i'm just about to play sims. going to build my house. that should take a bit of work, since although i don't live in a HUGE house, its a house for 4 people who all need their space. so it might take a while to make my house perfect.
i have decided that today is going to be my self care day. i'm going to do what i want to do to take care of my mental health and have a day off. so so i got up later than usual, put on a cozy sweater, did some art, took a nap at 11 am, and now i'm burning a pineapple mango candle and about to play some sims! I do need to do some homework today and I have family therapy at 5:30 but other than that, i feel like i do kinda need a day off (since i've been depressed, anxious and food has not been going too well) so today is my day to do my thing.
tomorrow is Billie Joe Armstrong's bday.
have an excellent day!
xoxoz

Tuesday February 13, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hello to anyone who still visits this website!
I'm just here. at home. drinking a mocha latte.
I feel like I need to write about stuff today.
had IOP last night, i think i mentioned in my last blog that insurance approved maybe 3 days of IOP. I wasn't able to eat too much. a couple bites of my rice bowl and two yogurts with almonds in it and maybe 3/4 of my juice. i didn't get to most of my rice bowl, any of my applesauce, or my dessert.
but i think i'm ok with it.
i'm ok with it because i realized i might not be trying hard enough. and i might not be trying hard enough because i feel like i don't have a reason to try. i don't have motivation. i've been depressed. getting out of bed and into the car is a daily struggle. not isolating? forget about it. But that stuff is all pretty chemical. I don't really have any control of it, other than taking my meds everyday, going to therapy and letting people help me.
but eating, although i hate to admit, I AM in control of it. my emotions like anxiety and depression might make it seem like i have no control but when i'm motivated, i do pretty fucking well.
so today, i'm making a conscious effort to put in effort and really try. because i got into college. and i don't want anything, especially an eating disorder, which in essence is a little voice in my head saying "no you can't" holding me back from something like school.
last night in IOP we wrote down the things we say to ourselves about our body. Mine included things like"fat, lazy, disgusting, gross, bulky, large." then we were told to imagine saying those things to our best friends, and imagine the look on their faces. I fucking cried, imagining saying those things to Katie and Savannah. how hurt they would be. and how they would know that they would know there was something wrong with me and if i told them that was what i say to myself imagining them supporting me, makes me feel so special. but also so shitty,
great, now i'm fucking crying again.
sorry this is such a long ass blog.
to summarize this mess, i'm going to start really pushing myself because i NEED to go to college and get a move on my life and also i love my friends a lot.
have a good day!
xoxoz

Saturday February 10, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hellloooo
it's Saturday. great to have a break from school.
feeling a bit less depressed since i upped my mood stabilizer :)
insurance FINALLY got back to me! they approved IOP. they said i can go on Monday, and they tend to approve 6 days at a time so i'm good for two weeks of iop :)
last night I was NOT doing well. i was searching and looking at mega triggering pictures of skinny girls. I was counting up what i'd eaten that day... i went on sites that can only hurt me. but then my boyfriend texted me about hanging out, so i went and picked him up and talked to my therapist in the car and that helped a whole bunch. he stayed the night and that was a good time.
tomorrow mom, my aunt and myself are going to a cool vintage flee market. i'm very excited!
it was really warm today, about 50F which is a LOT considering that its January.
today was pretty boring. drove to Canton with mom to pick up some auction items she won.
I've been pretty lonely since i left high school. i'm trying to find people to hang out with on meetup, i actually signed up for a bulldog play group that meets march third, i'm going to bring Lola!
anyways, that's all fort today.
xoxoz

Friday February 09, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

It's 10:40 And already, what a day.
I have sociology in 20 mins.
I had English this morning at 9. I cried in my car in the parking lot for about 15 mins and felt frustrated, overwhelmed and anxious. I texted my mom and therapist.
When I was able to go to class, I just sat in the back of the room and cried for 15 mins. Then I felt really overwhelmed and left.
I went home. Got some hot coco as a reward for trying my best.
Then I sent my professor this email:

This is Z from your 9 am m/w/f class. I'm really sorry that I came to class late and left approximately 15 minutes later. I've been having a lot of issues around anxiety and staying in class/entering the classroom has been very challenging.
I also feel it is important to let you know that there is a chance I will be hospitalized or partially hospitalized this week. If I leave your class for that reason, just wanted to give you a heads up.

Yup. I'm getting assessed probably today (however that it is not scedualed so it may be next week). And since insurance kicked me out of iop ,  I've been doing much worse and continuing to lose weight (I assume. I'm not allowed to know my weight). So now my therapist and nutritionist are both talking about partial hospitalization and my nutritionist asked me if I need residential hospitalization , I told her I don't know...
Class in 13 mins. Should probably head inside.
I love you guys.
Xoxoz

Tuesday February 06, 2018 
| Posted by: chpeverill-conti

hey buds!
we have bad insurance. ive been in intensive out patient (IOP) for like a month or so. im still not at my clinically decided ideal goal weight and i'm still not finishing meals at home or at program
so my insurance decided this would be a great time to suddenly kick me out of IOP.
we're appealing their decision to cut my funding. im also going to get re assessed and tht should get me two more weeks.
it's so crazy to me that they would discharge me. last week i had to supplement 2/3 nights and the other nighjt i needed extra time.
\im going to call insurance today and tell them how i'm still struggling a lot. im not much better than i was a month ago, except that im counting calories less.
so fucking stupid
this morning it took me 45 minuets to get out of bed. i guess i'm depressed... but only a little bit.
i had breakfast. 39 yogurt raisins and water.
i went to class. that was good. in my math class people actually talk to each other. i fell asleep for about 20 mins in class though. that sucked. i helped someone next to me with a math problem. that felt good.
now im home. it snowed today and its also sunny so its very pretty. i started cutting out my sewing pattern. i had a fig bar (like a fig newton but better) for snack. mom is coming home to help me with lunch/make sure i eat. she should be home any moment as its 3 minuets till noon where i am.i'm listening to mischief brew right now and i like them a lot.
just found out my gpa is 3.7 and i'm pretty proud of that.
i have a little math hw to do.
hope you all are ok!! :)
xoxoz