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*sighs in relief* finally, I catch a break

Life is finally starting to turn around for me. My boyfriend (don't tell my mom that I call him that) is seeing that what I say about my mom isn't just bullshit that I spew when I'm upset (not like he didn't before, but now he's felt her wrath firsthand). My best friends are telling me to live my life for me and not her and my dad. I've gotten into counseling for my depression after years of begging for it. Honestly, this is the happiest I've been in months. I'm living for me for the first time in my life. And it's the best thing I've ever done. And my mom doesn't have to know about what I do anymore. I'm so fucking happy.

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Speechless

So life has been more than good lately! I went on a date yesterday for the first time in years with a guy that I met through a dating website (we had talked A LOT beforehand and I also brought people along with me) and I had a lot of fun! He was really sweet and he treated me to lunch (even though I told him that he didn't have to more than once) and we walked around for an hour before sitting down and just talking face to face. He has gorgeous blue-ish hazel eyes and he has a strong, comforting feel about him. We've been talking ever since and we have agreed that we both want to be in a relationship with each other, so now I have a boyfriend who kinda treats me like a queen when he can (even if I know I can take care of myself in certain situations [god, when did I become miss independent?]).

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Halloween Makeup

This is just for Treats in the Streets at my college, but I'm a sass fairy or stereotypical white girl. Yes, the lashes are fake. No, I don't wear them often.
Going along the story of sass fairy, I got my powers from Gerard.

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"Dear mom. . ." Yet another poem

I'm feeling rather poetic as of late. . .

Dear mom,
I'm so sorry
I'm not perfect,
I can't do it,
Not anymore.
I've held on
For too long,
I've tried,
So damn hard,
To make you happy,
But I always fail,
And you're upset,
Or disappointed
When all I want
Is to be happy.
I've lived with a
Burden,
One I was
Forced to bear,
For nearly
20 years.
You don't see it,
You look beyond it,
You ignore it,
Leaving me,
Your only daughter,
A sniveling heap,
Trying to find
Any way out.
All just because
It isn't affecting
You,
The only one
Who "truly matters,"
Even when it comes to
The mental and
Physical health
Of not only me,
But my brothers.

My brothers.

I thing it's
Ironic
That I was a
"Mother" to them
At the tender age
Of 10 years old.
I find it
Sad
That you don't
Remember it.
I find it
Tragic
That your youngest
Can't lovingly
Call you his mom.
And the fact that
You've put him so
Low
On your priority list
That he feels
Worthless

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Untitled Poem~ By Me

A house,
A family,
A heart,
A life,
A fragile future,
All divided,
All on different sides,
All pitted
Against one girl.
She's smiling,
Trying to make peace,
Putting everything
Above her own interests,
Until she's crushed,
Gasping for air,
Begging for freedom,
Searching,
Desperately searching,
For her voice,
For a friend,
Fore something,
Anything to help her,
Just to be able to
Breathe once more.
The moment she feels
Cool air on her lips,
An old enemy,
An old friend,
Tells her
She's wrong,
Burying her again,
Self-doubt and
Fear of
Loss and
Disappointment
Toppling onto her.
She repeats the cycle,
Destroying herself
Until she is
No more,
Until she is
A shell fo
The "perfect" daughter,
Submissive student,
Trapped friend,
Unhappy soul;
Until she has
Become
Nothing.

Alright! So I've written another poem! Again, it's a little dark, but it deals with things that have been going on in my life.
Critique is greatly accepted!
~TH.K

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Damn it All

Everything is just crashing down on me. My mom called me just to tell me that I'm failing a college class that I honestly hate and don't even want to be in as well as an online class that I have minimal time for. Her solution for all of this is to tell me that I'll get nowhere in life or to a senior college and that I should no longer hang out with friends and just study all the time. She doesn't know that I have been diagnosed, by a doctor, with depression and high anxiety and that my friends are my only release from these things. But I know that she'll insist on me just studying all the damn time, so I tried. I looked at an assignment for my online algebra class and just stared at it for a minute before I just broke. Note that this is after I left my best friend who is taking a nap, leaving her a text roughly explaining what happened. I feel like I've just become the most terrible person in the world because of that. I'm on the verge of tears and I just can't take it anymore.

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Well, Shit.

Fuck today. Just fuck it. I'm 1000000% done. I can't fucking stand this anymore. The fucking school still hasn't processed my financial aid and I was told by the fucking business office that I should be making payments by now, even though I don't have any way of making any fucking payments! If I don't, my schedule will be dropped and I'll be headed back to my parents' house in freaking California where I'm made to feel like shit everyday. All because I don't have a job that can get me $450 in two days. This is utter bullshit. I don't want this at all. I'm just so fucking done.

*deep breath*

I'm calm. Just stressed and I want out so badly. It isn't fair.

I'm gonna cry for about fifty years now.
~TH.K

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Trapped (Original poem by me)

"Trapped"

I'm too far gone to reach,
Stuck in a pit
That I've dug for myself.
12 feet deep by a mile wide,
I'm trapped,
Dead center,
By my very own fears,
My very own doubts,
My very own ugly thoughts,
Fueled by the words of others,
Especially those closest to me.
Words that cut like a knife,
Stab like a dagger,
Pierce like a needle,
Creating and reopening wounds
That'll never heal.
Statements that make the tears
Run beyond my cheeks,
Flow from my very own skin,
Begin to bury me
12 feet under.
Flaws and insecurities,
Placed right before
My very eyes,
Start to suffocate me,
Making my entrapment
Permanent.
Expectations turning to
Disappointments,
Topping the pit
With a marble stone,
Polished smooth,
My very own name
In bold French script.
"In loving memory,"
It says.
"She was so happy,"
They say as they reminisce.
But they can never
Truly know
That their words,
Their verbal observations,
Their expectations,
And their disappointments

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Hesitating Means Death (Title of a song written by the GazettE)

Hey, MCRmy! I know that it's been a little while since I've posted, but I promise that things are okay, for the most part.
Things that have happened this week:
1.) Monday, I decided that I wanted to go to a university in Japan after my time at my junior college is done. Many people have told me that I'm doing the right thing by wanting to explore the world while continuing my education.

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Happy :)

Today has been a milestone for me. I looked at myself in the mirror after running to my dorm after voice lessons in the rain while I was changing clothes and told myself, "Damn, I'm hot."
And I actually believed myself. I felt pretty and desirable and that I was actually given purpose in this thing we call life. I felt acceptable.
And I would give anything to feel that way for as long as possible.
I haven't told myself that I'm ugly or fat today. I didn't starve myself to start to get skinny. I didn't let my mom's rantings about my pant size or weight get to me. I smiled as I put on my eyeliner, knowing that I was, indeed, beautiful and doing something that makes me happy.