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In One of My Moods... Again.

As the title says, I'm in a mood (and not a very good one). In fact, I feel as though I could cry at any moment. I'm kinda depressed... Again.

I could try to find the source (which I believe is being at home and restricted again after having a taste of what freedom tasted like and having so many damn expectations to meet in order to not disappoint my parents [which I still manage to do somehow]), but what good does that do when even showing my emotions gets me a stern look and a lecture? What I'm getting at is the fact that I pretty much know how I'm feeling and the cause(s) thereof, but I can't vent in any way, shape, or form. It fucking sucks.

I really do apologize for my rant posts, but I don't really have other outlets (I'm friends with my parents on Facebook, my brother follows me on Twitter, and who rants on Tumblr? Plus, my friends would most likely say I'm being over dramatic again and need to grow the fuck up.) and music only goes so far sometimes.


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The Movie Soundtrack to My Life

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool …

Here are mine (somehow, most of mine are by Japanese artists and are, therefore, originally in Japanese. I had to look up translations and get the gist for some, others, I had a lyrics explanation post to help me):

Opening Credits:
We All Know the Wedding is Over- Snow White's Poison Bite
(The bride killed the groom... lovely...)

First Day At School:
The End of Prom Night- SWPB
(Well, I only just started school, but if you insist...)

Falling In Love:
The $ocial riot machine$- The GazettE

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Depression... Argh...

So, I did it again... I fell in love with another boy. But, unlike the last time I fell in love with someone I actually know, he fell for me first. And then it just didn't work out because of religious differences (which aren't so bad for where we were, but I kinda wanted my preacher of a father to perform our wedding ceremony and he won't condone a relationship between me and someone who isn't also a Christian). So now I'm single again with a broken heart and a hurt pride (he flat out told me that I was saying we couldn't be together because I "thought I was too good for him" [not my thoughts or words whatsoever...] and I was acting all high and mighty. Excuse me? If I thought that way, why would I bother fighting to save your life in the first place? Think logically, boy...) and I'm in a pissy mood because of it. Go fucking figure.
Sorry for the rant. I'm really depressed right now and just need to get this out, without crying again.
How is everyone else?


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So I haven't been on in a while and this post kinda depresses me with what I need to address... But I need help telling a friend why life is actually worth living. He isn't listening completely to what I say and I end up feeling like I've failed in the end. He hasn't done anything... Yet. But he attempted last night. He feels like he's fallen too far to deserve healing and forgiveness. Like he isn't worth anyone's time and all he is worth is hatred from his peers (I'm pretty much his only friend...) and all the pain that he caused to be returned to him tenfold.
I don't want him to hurt, though. I mean, yeah, there are going to be consequences for actions, but I know that consequences don't equal out to matching if not worse of what he did coming around much later. It doesn't make sense.
I feel like part of it is my fault and that I didn't do something right or well enough for him.
If anyone can help me on this, please, please, contact me via message.

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"I'll Fade Out, You'll Fade Out With Me..."

While the song and lyrics have (almost) nothing to do with this blog, I can say that I feel almost like that (even if it's in Japanese for the most part...).

I know that I'm at a point of depression again, but I don't know why. It's like the first lyric of the song, "I don't know myself..." and I feel that I really don't at this point. I don't know what I want to do with myself right now, I don't know the reason I keep getting to this point in my life so many times, I don't know how to fix it within myself. In short, I don't know myself enough to actually help myself when I need it most.

Rant: over. I'm going to go figure out a way to make myself feel better again... -.-


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So! I have been listening to a Visual Kei band quite often recently called The GazettE. Well... On their newest album, there is a song titled "DEVOURING ONE ANOTHER." As the title suggests, it is very much about cannibalism as the starvation of the human body becomes almost animalistic. I find it very -how should I put it? Odd? Morbid?- that I find myself wanting to dance very (and I mean VERY) sexually to this song (which I cannot find a link for!!). But I think it may be the beat of the music itself, especially in the guitar riffs and the tones in the background. (Funny, I just thought of how the rhythm guitarist, Aoi, can move his hips. Fans call one instance where he showed his ability to move his hips in such a manner his sexy dance :P)

Link for the lyrics: http://www.kashigasa.com/the-gazette-devouring-one-another-lyrics-englis...

What do you think?


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I'm going to be auditioning for a musical this afternoon.... Wish me luck!!! I'm so nervous!!

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Oh!! Followers Welcomed!!

Also! I have a very active DeviantArt and Ask.fm!! Follow away, kiddies!!

DA: http://fluttershy1102.deviantart.com/
Ask.fm: ask.fm/RandomNeko

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Meh. Boredom!

So, I have decided that I am officially bored. Not that this is news or anything (that's just my character type: bored, tired, hungry), but I am beyond bored.
In newer, ummm, news, I am writing 5 fanfictions at once. Don't ask me how the hell I'm doing that and keeping them all separate. I just am because I just can because I am a ninja monkey (hmmm... That almost makes me deeply consider writing another one....) with a pet duck and a pet fox. But, any who, I should not be half as bored as I am... I just have immense writer's block... Yeah, that's it... I'm just in a spot of writer's block...
Anyway... I just wanted to check in a little.

Mata ne!

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Moods, What a Burden They Become

Long time, no blog. No, I'm not dead (in case anyone thought so... Anyone? Not really? That's what I thought...), I'm surviving college somehow even if mood swings are hitting me almost constantly and I feel worthless quite often. I miss home, but I know that the mood swings won't be any better over in Cali. I just want to curl up into a ball right now and cry. Dammit, why is this so painful for me? I just don't get it.
(Kai: Tell someone. Me: Ha! Don't make me laugh. We both know that that isn't happening any time soon. Kai: *rolls eyes while twirling drumstick* Don't bottle up your emotions, k? Me: I know, I know. But bottling them up is just so much easier than actually going to talk to someone... Kai: Always the shy one, aren't you? Me: Duh...) (Sorry, had inner conversation with a Japanese drummer from a band that I have grown really close to recently...)