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Well, Shit.

Fuck today. Just fuck it. I'm 1000000% done. I can't fucking stand this anymore. The fucking school still hasn't processed my financial aid and I was told by the fucking business office that I should be making payments by now, even though I don't have any way of making any fucking payments! If I don't, my schedule will be dropped and I'll be headed back to my parents' house in freaking California where I'm made to feel like shit everyday. All because I don't have a job that can get me $450 in two days. This is utter bullshit. I don't want this at all. I'm just so fucking done.

*deep breath*

I'm calm. Just stressed and I want out so badly. It isn't fair.

I'm gonna cry for about fifty years now.

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Trapped (Original poem by me)


I'm too far gone to reach,
Stuck in a pit
That I've dug for myself.
12 feet deep by a mile wide,
I'm trapped,
Dead center,
By my very own fears,
My very own doubts,
My very own ugly thoughts,
Fueled by the words of others,
Especially those closest to me.
Words that cut like a knife,
Stab like a dagger,
Pierce like a needle,
Creating and reopening wounds
That'll never heal.
Statements that make the tears
Run beyond my cheeks,
Flow from my very own skin,
Begin to bury me
12 feet under.
Flaws and insecurities,
Placed right before
My very eyes,
Start to suffocate me,
Making my entrapment
Expectations turning to
Topping the pit
With a marble stone,
Polished smooth,
My very own name
In bold French script.
"In loving memory,"
It says.
"She was so happy,"
They say as they reminisce.
But they can never
Truly know
That their words,
Their verbal observations,
Their expectations,
And their disappointments

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Hesitating Means Death (Title of a song written by the GazettE)

Hey, MCRmy! I know that it's been a little while since I've posted, but I promise that things are okay, for the most part.
Things that have happened this week:
1.) Monday, I decided that I wanted to go to a university in Japan after my time at my junior college is done. Many people have told me that I'm doing the right thing by wanting to explore the world while continuing my education.

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Happy :)

Today has been a milestone for me. I looked at myself in the mirror after running to my dorm after voice lessons in the rain while I was changing clothes and told myself, "Damn, I'm hot."
And I actually believed myself. I felt pretty and desirable and that I was actually given purpose in this thing we call life. I felt acceptable.
And I would give anything to feel that way for as long as possible.
I haven't told myself that I'm ugly or fat today. I didn't starve myself to start to get skinny. I didn't let my mom's rantings about my pant size or weight get to me. I smiled as I put on my eyeliner, knowing that I was, indeed, beautiful and doing something that makes me happy.

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"That's what family's for"

So! I have expanded my horizons in music and began listening to ONE OK ROCK recently. I love love LOVE their varying sound and style and what not, but, as with every band, there is one song that always makes me cry no matter what mood I'm in. But this time it's over five little words. "That's what family is for." It makes me reevaluate my life, my relationship with my family, my relationship with my friends, and even who I consider "family" in my life and why.

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*sigh* College...

So, long time no blog, I'm still alive and well.

I know that I usually vent on here while I'm at the depression part of a bad mood swing, and I apologize for that (I think I said this in my last blog, but I like being safe rather than sorry). I just need a shoulder to cry on at times, you know? But enough about that.

I was accepted to the small singing group at my college, again, so I really am happy for that and proud of myself. However, I may have to leave the college altogether because of financial issues (Financial Aid is backed up and I'm about to be $450 in debt because of the stupid office not having enough employees working on the applications) and go back home where I'm teased and picked at and, for lack of a better word, harassed by my own family. I don't want to go and I will fight tooth and nail to stay in Mississippi just so I can feel accepted and like an individual.

Rant part: over.

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In One of My Moods... Again.

As the title says, I'm in a mood (and not a very good one). In fact, I feel as though I could cry at any moment. I'm kinda depressed... Again.

I could try to find the source (which I believe is being at home and restricted again after having a taste of what freedom tasted like and having so many damn expectations to meet in order to not disappoint my parents [which I still manage to do somehow]), but what good does that do when even showing my emotions gets me a stern look and a lecture? What I'm getting at is the fact that I pretty much know how I'm feeling and the cause(s) thereof, but I can't vent in any way, shape, or form. It fucking sucks.

I really do apologize for my rant posts, but I don't really have other outlets (I'm friends with my parents on Facebook, my brother follows me on Twitter, and who rants on Tumblr? Plus, my friends would most likely say I'm being over dramatic again and need to grow the fuck up.) and music only goes so far sometimes.


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The Movie Soundtrack to My Life

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool …

Here are mine (somehow, most of mine are by Japanese artists and are, therefore, originally in Japanese. I had to look up translations and get the gist for some, others, I had a lyrics explanation post to help me):

Opening Credits:
We All Know the Wedding is Over- Snow White's Poison Bite
(The bride killed the groom... lovely...)

First Day At School:
The End of Prom Night- SWPB
(Well, I only just started school, but if you insist...)

Falling In Love:
The $ocial riot machine$- The GazettE

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Depression... Argh...

So, I did it again... I fell in love with another boy. But, unlike the last time I fell in love with someone I actually know, he fell for me first. And then it just didn't work out because of religious differences (which aren't so bad for where we were, but I kinda wanted my preacher of a father to perform our wedding ceremony and he won't condone a relationship between me and someone who isn't also a Christian). So now I'm single again with a broken heart and a hurt pride (he flat out told me that I was saying we couldn't be together because I "thought I was too good for him" [not my thoughts or words whatsoever...] and I was acting all high and mighty. Excuse me? If I thought that way, why would I bother fighting to save your life in the first place? Think logically, boy...) and I'm in a pissy mood because of it. Go fucking figure.
Sorry for the rant. I'm really depressed right now and just need to get this out, without crying again.
How is everyone else?


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So I haven't been on in a while and this post kinda depresses me with what I need to address... But I need help telling a friend why life is actually worth living. He isn't listening completely to what I say and I end up feeling like I've failed in the end. He hasn't done anything... Yet. But he attempted last night. He feels like he's fallen too far to deserve healing and forgiveness. Like he isn't worth anyone's time and all he is worth is hatred from his peers (I'm pretty much his only friend...) and all the pain that he caused to be returned to him tenfold.
I don't want him to hurt, though. I mean, yeah, there are going to be consequences for actions, but I know that consequences don't equal out to matching if not worse of what he did coming around much later. It doesn't make sense.
I feel like part of it is my fault and that I didn't do something right or well enough for him.
If anyone can help me on this, please, please, contact me via message.