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I just feel like talking...

As the title says, I am just going to ramble on like the emo young adult that I am, for the sole purpose of wanting to talk. It will be a confessional and, maybe, an update. But mostly just depressing. XD

As much as I hate to admit this, as much as I wish I could say that I'm strong and independent and I don't need anybody and I could live as a hermit... I get lonely sometimes.

Yes, it's true. It doesn't happen often-- I'm generally quite content by myself-- but when it does happen, it's painful. Draining. Sometimes I go numb and can't even think.

This is part of why I haven't been on in a few weeks. That numbness, that emptiness that I can't fill no matter what I do. That darkness that makes me so lethargic that I can't even listen to music. I simply cannot find the strength to put my headphones in my ears and turn on a song. So I sleep alone.

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It's National Blow Shit Up Day again! ^_^

Yes, I know that's not what the holiday is about, but it's the most fun part and it's what everybody does. xD I actually threw some snappers at my wall today... so cathartic. <3 Funny thing is, when I bought them, I had to show my ID. :S Back in New York, they sold these things to little kids all the time in grocery stores.
Anyways, hope everybody's having a good day, whether or not you live in America and this holiday exists for you. <3 Listen to lots of music and eat good food!

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Blood Is Thicker Than Water, But They Both Leak. Trust No One.

I'm sure the title and the video seem a bit mismatched, but in a couple of paragraphs, you'll know.

My mom's been back to calling me a piece of shit lately. She never used those exact words, but she has her little ways of putting me down. She treats me like I'm her enemy.

And you know what? Fuck it. She wants an enemy, she's got one.

I refuse to keep being put down. I know what I am. No more believing the bullshit story she's made up about me in my head.

Keep it ugly, junkpunks.

xoxo Tric

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Looks like I still have some growing up to do...

A really long-winded, character-condemning confessional follows after this text. If you're not in the mood for long-winded confessionals, do not read anything after this symbol: ~**~ Instead, enjoy this short story that I literally just made up for your reading pleasure. ^_^

Once upon a time, a young man decided that he wanted to travel the world. He had no money to do so, since he worked a minimum wage job, but still he was determined to try. He decided to run a fundraiser in order to obtain enough money to fulfill his dream. However, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he promoted this fundraiser, still he could not get the money. He fell swiftly into a deep despair, refusing to speak to anyone or leave his home, except to go to work.
One day a knock sounded at his door. Begrudgingly, he opened the door to see who was there. It was an elderly woman with, not gray, but platinum blonde hair. "Yes?"

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Questions that are difficult to answer...

Okay, so, I need a bit of advice, as I'm a little scared and kind of worried.

So my singer has gone away with her family to Texas for a month. We're supposed to meet up for practice when she comes back, for two days a month on Saturdays. I've been getting kind of bored lately, and keep wanting to ask my bassist if she wants to just hang out. Which kind of gives me anxiety. Which made me realize something.
They've actually asked me to hang out a couple of times before, but I had to pass up. It has just dawned on me that they might, at some point, want to do that "friends" thing. And I kind of have a bad track record with that whole "friends" thing.

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Nyeh. These are fun. :p

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID
1. If a song l like comes on the radio, I literally run over to it just to sing along/act it out
2. I would actually love a Happy Meal right now. They still come with toys!
3. I still sympathize more with teenagers than adults. (When are teenagers supposed to get "annoying"? Oh, and they don't scare the living shit out of me yet. :p)

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD
1. My memory is shit
2. My financial issues depress me
3. I cannot get up a flight of stairs without panting.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO
1. Learn skateboarding
2. Learn Parkour
3. Get my band together and play a show

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “BOY”
1. I can be pretty rowdy when I want to be
2. Violent movies and games are awesome
3. I don't like cleaning my room. So I don't.

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “GIRL”
1. I actually enjoy shopping (for band merch and stuff, but still.)
2. I am a hopeless romantic

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It is nearly two o'clock in the morning.

I have been up a large part of the night, binging on Killjoys-related things (the videos, the comics, the trailers, Dr. D's Message to the MCRmy, part of the Listening Party), and I am filled with an energy the likes of which I haven't had in over a year. I feel like a Killjoy again. Not that I haven't always been, but...
I rant a lot. I complain a lot. I'm fucking depressing. And I know that. I don't mean to be, but a lot of bad shit just happens to me. And this is the only place I really feel safe venting it all. (The boards sometimes, too, though.)
But that wasn't the point. Lately I've been rather apathetic about everything. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care about music, I didn't care about art... everything I once loved, the things that kept me alive. I just couldn't bring myself to give a damn. My emotions were just so screwed up, nothing felt good anymore.
Until tonight.

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Good things...

So I've been angsting. I'm always angsting. But right now, there's a little hole in it. And there's some light shining in it. It kind of looks like it's coming from pyro. I like pyro.

Anyway... me and my band might be playing a show! It's in late June/early July sometime. The only problem is that our singer is headed for Texas on the 15th, and will probably be there for the rest of this month, and probably a little bit of July. I'm kind of hoping that the show turns out to be at a good time for her, cause it sounds pretty awesome and I kind of look forward to it. It's a little scary, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

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Yeah, I'm doing it too, I kinda like these games :p

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the nextbutton
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool …

Here are mine:

Opening Credits:
Desert Song - MCR
(Hmm, oddly good one to open to...)

First Day At School:
Anthem - Superchick
(Well, that was how I tried to make my attitude, anyway xD)

Falling In Love:
Axe Wound - Butcher Babies
(Yeah, that's just like me, romancing to violent shit xD)

Breaking Up:
Paint It Black - VersaEmerge
(Kinda fits how I handle breakups...)

Prom:
This S**t Getz Old - NeverShoutNever
(Yeah, HS got pretty old by that time xD Plus this kinda makes a good slow dance song, interestingly... or is that just me?)

Mental Breakdown:
Cliffs Castles Waves - Valco Pups

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Just look at all that pain...

I've begun Googling holistic depression treatments.
I still want to see a psychiatrist or a therapist at some point. I think I'm probably gonna need it. A lot. But for now, I'm gonna need to work harder to fight this thing on my own, as I'd really like to get better. I really would. I really hate feeling this way, much though certain people in my life would disagree. Moreover, I'd like to get better before I'm 30. (This is particularly important to me now, as in another two months I'm going to be 24, so my 20's are almost over.)
Oddly, the first step has been to recognize that this probably won't "just go away." Objectively I knew that already-- I hate when people tell you to just "cheer up," like there's a damn on/off switch for depression-- but somewhere within myself I was ashamed of it, like I should be able to just turn it off and be happy at the drop of a hat. Naturally, that just made it worse. So instead, I'm going to acknowledge it, and stop trying to make it go away.