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Almost 21 =)

So this blog is another update of my life...
I'm deciding to skip all the drama that has happened because so many positive and great things have happened in my life the past couple months. First, I just finished my junior year of college! Time really flies...
Second, I decided to give up my summer at my summer home in order to work and save money for a car. Well that plan worked out really great. I got a job as a teacher at a local Kidville. Let's just say that I love it. I love working with the children, I love doing the music classes and working birthday parties. Giving up my summer was totally worth it and I'm so close to earning enough money for my car =)
My 21st Birthday is in about 2 weeks! I'm super stoked because that means my 21st Birthday Bash is in 3 weeks..and it is going to be super fun. I have this awesome neon theme and I'm going to have glow lights everywhere and black lights! This is going to be the best party I've ever thrown.

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Shayne

Well if you're not looking to read a blog about love..than I suggest you read something else.

Sorry I'm totally skipping the update because I just want to get straight to the point.
Where to start?

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This Past Semester...

So I haven't been on this blog for a couple months. I thought I would update...and there's a lot to update on.
I thought I would briefly touch on what happened over the past couple months because way too much happened to even try to go over.
Well, *sighs* I went through a really weird phase at the beginning of the semester, which was talked about in my previous blog. Basically my best friend cut off our friendship because she claimed that I had "changed". That basically destroyed me...to the point where I didn't give a fck what I did anymore. I lost the most important friendship I ever had. I still remember sitting in the car going to my boyfriends apt when she send me a facebook message. She wrote the following
"It seems out of nowhere, but it's not. It's kind of the result of the build up of emotional confusion I've been going through this semester.

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Slipping into the dark

So lately I've been slipping into a depression of some sort. Everything just seems to be going wrong..between my mom having a cancer scare and surgery, living in a new and different Res Hall, working in the office, having no time with my best friends, questioning my musicianship, and debating my relationship with my ex. I've felt the need to remove myself from anything social. I isolated myself from my family and close friends. I feel so alone whether I am with them or not..what's the point? I feel as though I am a completely different person..I hate myself. This blog probably doesn't make sense at all.. it doesn't even make sense to me in my own head. At this point I don't know what to do. I'm not okay. I'm getting worse. I sit in my room and cry. I can't control my emotions and now I turn to anything that I can do that will make me not give a fck. My ex..it's complicated but we've been together a lot this semester..just talking about a lot of this. He's helping me through it.

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Have you ever felt lonely?

Today...just really sucked. I let my thoughts get the best of me. There's been so much going on lately and it's unnecessary. What hurt the most was something that had happened this past week with my "best friend". And the reason why I put that in quotations is because it really bothered me enough to question it. The story is this...a girl from our high school is a freshman here at Adelphi. Not only is she here but she is also in my department and in my major. Although we are two years apart, we used to be in the same outside choir in high school. She was an awful person back then. She was conceited, judgmental, and just plain rude. I disliked her very much. Finding out that she was coming to my school, I freaked out. This past week was the music department meeting where all of the freshmen introduce themselves. After they introduced themselves, the department got the change to be social and meet each other.

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What do I do?

Well while being back at school I have to say it hasn't been the best. I've been super stressed with work, classes, and my social life. I feel like a lot of people that I know have changed..and not in a good way, therefore, I've gotten annoyed a lot. Also, my best friends have kinda been MIA for a while and my roommate left for the weekend. Because of this I have felt so incredibly lonely and stressed..and I guess that just made me really depressed. It got to a point where I was feeling like I did in high school..which I will not even try to explain. I texted my ex because we never really cleared up whether or not we were actually broken up? And it didn't help that I was getting mixed messages from him. So I texted him about the things he was going through because I was feeling a lot of what he tried to explain over the summer. He called me and talked to me about it.

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I don't know what I'm doing

So I moved back to school on Tuesday...bittersweet actually. Well the point of this post is to talk about my ex. I really don't know what to do or think. On move in day, he txted me asking me if I moved in already. I txted him back but we didn't have a long conversation at all. I felt that because of how things were over the summer that it was selfish of him to expect me back. Anyway, yesterday was the first day of classes. It was also my first day working. When I left the office, I was told that he went in looking for me. After seeing that I wasn't there, he txted me asking when I worked and what I was up to for the day. When I got back to the office, he was there..and gave me a hug hello. He then sat near me and tried to have a conversation with me. I thought it was super awkward just because I was upset still about the whole situation. I barely said much and then he said he was going to get some stuff done. That was when he kissed me on the cheek.

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Am I really going to fall for it?

Well it is exactly 3 days until move-in. Junior year in college baby!! And..so far I've gotten 2 texts, 1 call, 4 likes, 2 comments, and 2 IM's. From *drum roll* my ex. Even though I knew this was going to happen..I can't believe it did. It amazes me that he thinks we can just pick things up where it left off after the way he treated me. I think it's selfish. Yes, I would like to still be friends. No, I don't think that's what he's going for. I did answer one of his IM's and in that conversation we talked about stupid stuff that friends talk about...then we talked about how our summers were. Well I thought this part was bull but he said he was "soul searching" and didn't really accomplish much. He asked how mine was "post us". What a dumb thing to add to the question..why would I have even brought that up? Like, its over..okay there's no need to bring it up.

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Old visit....old feelings?

The past never fails to catch up to me.
The other night I hung out with someone who I considered to be my best friend. The twist to this story was that I ended up falling in love with him. I went through a lot with him after we knew how each other felt. It had been a whole year that I hadn't seen him...because I was afraid I would have those same feelings every time I saw him. As a result I made excuses not to see him. The other day I decided I was over him..I knew I was. What I did want was our friendship again...my best friend.

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Here we go again....

So lately I've been dealing with some family problems that include my cat dying? Yeah, I know...I couldn't believe it either. After finding out the news last night, yes, I was torn. I felt alone and hurt. Anyway, I posted a status on Facebook. "A hero would be great if anyone is there?" One of my closest friends Max, IMed me. It was no surprise since he cares about it..well a lot. It was nice of him to always care about me, especially at a time like this. Well that wasn't the only IM. My ex IMed me...now this was a surprise. It's been a month exactly since we broke up...the 14th. Weird huh? That day just doesn't bring me good news. So the IM was really out of the blue but I'm sure it was from my status. He wrote "hey watsup?" Being in my very vulnerable state I answered and told him what was bothering me. He replied saying he was sincerely sorry followed by questions about what happened. He continued to give me support.