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BlueRoses's picture

00:46 (happy thoughts)

on June 5, 2018 - 5:54pm

Every now and then the voice comes back, the oh "well if anything really bad ever happens." It opens the bedroom door quietly in the middle of the night and slips in unnoticed. I only hear her when she's breathing down my neck.
And when she comes back, when my reflection gets too much, when the thought of making a future for myself gets to be too much, the only thing there is left to do is sit back and think happy thoughts. As many happy thoughts as I can.
Cause all things must pass right?

1) its first year, youre drunk and the kitchen is spinning.

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15:22

on March 27, 2018 - 7:36am

I went home, I spoke to my mum and she said "I thought something was up, I'm not surprised you feel like this" which all considering I'm actually kind of impressed at because not many mums could play down suicidal thoughts. Somehow within the space of ten minutes I went from feeling like my whole world was ending, to feeling like everyone has felt the way I was feeling at some point or other in their life.

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20:18

on February 27, 2018 - 12:21pm

Mum called yesterday because no matter how hard i try to pretend that everything fine, even when theres a whole motorway and half the New Forest between us, she can still tell when something is up.
And somethings really up.
I'm so stressed with uni that I've managed to really bad relapse again, to the point where even telling my friends how i feel is petrifying.

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22.02

on February 22, 2018 - 3:50am

Last night I locked all the doors and turned the lights down low. I turned the heating back on and smoked out my window watching the lights turning on and off in the building behind my house. We still haven't worked out what that building is, the cats like it though. Maybe the roof is warm.

"Oh well if anything really bad happens," has been trying to settle down in the back of my mind lately, I think I've said that before. It keeps coming back when I'm not expecting it to, it takes advantage of that early Thursday morning lethargy that clings to you, keeps you trapped in a smoky haze.

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The Jelical fuckin ball is happening outside my open window

on February 19, 2018 - 7:51pm

I said I'd come back tomorrow and here I am. Yesterday I was optimistic...ish. today I am not.

Today I am totally starved of hope.

I don't want to slip again, I'm so scared.

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Tuesday June 05, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Every now and then the voice comes back, the oh "well if anything really bad ever happens." It opens the bedroom door quietly in the middle of the night and slips in unnoticed. I only hear her when she's breathing down my neck.
And when she comes back, when my reflection gets too much, when the thought of making a future for myself gets to be too much, the only thing there is left to do is sit back and think happy thoughts. As many happy thoughts as I can.
Cause all things must pass right?

1) its first year, youre drunk and the kitchen is spinning. Top Loader is playing, Dancing in the moonlight. Light pollution leaks through the open windows. ItsI humid. The air clings to your skin, you're all hazy, the room smells like cigarettes and something else. Its you, a, j, l, m and s. Its the first time you've ever met s. You used to hate this song, but now you're dancing to it like you've loved it your whole life. And when you wake up tomorrow morning it'll be those keys which ring in your ears.

2) sitting in st james park with c. Its June and the pollen count is high. Youre hayfeverous, chest infected freshly in love and when you open your eyes all you see are his. Bluey green and full of love for you. Hes holding your hand and even though he takes the piss out of you for it every time, when he kisses your cheek you bite back a smile.

3) a serenades you with poetry when she's drunk. She stands on her kitchen table, holds the book out in front of her as if she's reading the 10 commandments for the first time theyve ever been read, and you sit there in the chair, knees hugged to your chest, giggling and clapping and always in awe.

4) when your little sister was young and she thought you were sad, she'd disappear quietly, slip away unnoticed and then, you'd hear her come back, feet padding softly across the kitchen floor. She'd tug on your sleeve and you'd try to dry your eyes, she'd make you sit down next to her and then, she'd offer you the corner of her yellow blanket. Hold it to your nose so you could snuggle into it. She'd take your hand and cup it to her cheek and she'd look at you with her big brown eyes, with all the love and affection in the world. She'd never say anything, because she was always too young to understand. She just sorta always knew something was wrong.
Well she's 17 now and she still does it. And its still the most comforting thing in the world.

5) walking back through fields of downtrodden grass, sundried hay leaving grit in your eyes. Fairground lights dizzy you and in your ears you can still hear the music playing, blur - ong ong. You can smell all sorts of fast food, street food, alcohol spilled at your shoes. Your skins still warm, you caught the sun, your hairs tangled and your jumper is soft against your arms. Your cheeks are flushed and your mams linked her arms with yours and youre kicking up the dust as you walk.

6) dads in the kitchen washing up, its late in the evening, he's listening to late in the evening

7) the night c said he loved you without saying he loved you, the night you stayed up way later than you should have and shared his gin, and you were just lying there beside him, he kept looking at your lips and he said, "I hope we get to spend loads of time together this summer, and then hopefully in the winter, and then the summer after that and the summer after that, and then the summer after that in ten years time," and that was when you just sort of knew.

8) driving north up the m6 toll road. Listening to 80s indie.

9) lonely nights in second year when you'd put the national on low and pace around your little studio student flat reading Tennessee Williams aloud, bare feet on the kitchen tiles. Blue light bathing your skin in an amniotic glow. Your eyes would sting but it soothed you.

10) when you were little your mum would make up bedtime stories about a little pixie who lived at the top of your garden inside a conifer tree. There was a pixie and an imp and the adventures she would narrate left you enchanted. Well one day youre going to have little children of your own, and when you make up their bedtime stories you'll leave them enchanted too.

11) the night you got back from a house party with a. She was drunk, passed out in her bed and you'd just crawled into the spare bed upstairs. Then you heard j and s downstairs, they came stumbling through the front door, wide awake and soon so were you. A came back to life, and you all shared a bottle of wine, red... which though you've never liked you liked that night. J came down the stairs dressed in an ostrich costume and you turned the music up, watched him dancing to filthy gorgeous and bruno mars. Him and a serenading the kitchen window dramatic as you like.

12) talkin with c on his friends sofa at 4 in the mornin, peep show playing in the background like it had been for hours, though you were both so deep in conversation that you hadnt noticed. Looking down and realising you were holding hands, he was playing with your fingers and you had your head on his shoulder. You were close but you could have been closer. You raced to the other settee but it was a draw, and so you shared the settee, he lay back and pulled you in close to him, you slept with your head on his chest and hugged his arm around you, snuggled into him. And it never even occurred to you that you might be more than friends.

13) all those nights you spent wandering around town with jedi, eating palma violets and milk chews. It was always cold and it was always raining and you were never dressed for the weather, but the quay was always calm, the sea wall always comfortable, and childrens parks were always the perfect setting for your teenage melodrama.

14) the night of e's birthday, you got home at 5am but you and c didnt sleep until 10am. You stayed up despite your aching chest and your stinging eyes, you hugged a pillow to your cheek and closed your eyes, and when he stole your pillow from under you you giggled and shoved him and pinky swore to stay up with him until he was ready to sleep. You wore his chain around your neck and you listened to him talk shit to you all night. You told him you could top and tail but when you eventually passed out you passed out side by side.

Tuesday March 27, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I went home, I spoke to my mum and she said "I thought something was up, I'm not surprised you feel like this" which all considering I'm actually kind of impressed at because not many mums could play down suicidal thoughts. Somehow within the space of ten minutes I went from feeling like my whole world was ending, to feeling like everyone has felt the way I was feeling at some point or other in their life. Obviously I know they haven't and I know that how I was feeling was dangerous and just not right at all, but I don't know, theres something in the way my mum says things that has you believing everything is alright even if its not.
Anyway the voices haven't been very loud at all lately, most days they don't say a word. Its nice to finally get some peace and quiet.
I still can't see a future but I think that not being able to see the end is probably a step in the right direction.

Tuesday February 27, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Mum called yesterday because no matter how hard i try to pretend that everything fine, even when theres a whole motorway and half the New Forest between us, she can still tell when something is up.
And somethings really up.
I'm so stressed with uni that I've managed to really bad relapse again, to the point where even telling my friends how i feel is petrifying. I just sit on my bed in the dark trying to write up my dissertation, trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with he rest of my life, and every time I turn my phone on one of my friends is asking me to go out for drinks with them, asking me to go to some club, trying to get me to go out and take drugs with them, and the self destructive part of me, the part that tells me not to eat and tells me to smoke when I'm feeling a bit sad, that part of me jumps for joy whenever anyone gives me the opportunity to do something stupid.
The other part of me, the other part of me is petrified.

Thursday February 22, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Last night I locked all the doors and turned the lights down low. I turned the heating back on and smoked out my window watching the lights turning on and off in the building behind my house. We still haven't worked out what that building is, the cats like it though. Maybe the roof is warm.

"Oh well if anything really bad happens," has been trying to settle down in the back of my mind lately, I think I've said that before. It keeps coming back when I'm not expecting it to, it takes advantage of that early Thursday morning lethargy that clings to you, keeps you trapped in a smoky haze. The kind of haze where your eyes feel sticky and your body doesn't feel like its entirely yours. I'm a bit too warm. It talks over people now, when I'm trying to listen to them and the things they always only say because they want the best for me. It keeps interrupting them when they try to ask me what I want to do with my life, where I'm going to go after uni. When people say "do yo actually want to go into music? Because thats hard," the voice shrugs its shoulders and says "oh well if anything really bad ever happens," and I just have to smile and shrug my shoulders too, say, "I don't know," as if I haven't really heard either of them.

Anyway, when I get the urge to self destruct, I tend to have a smoke and make something sound as beautiful as I can. So I left the lights down low and hid myself away in my room, and I didn't go to sleep until I'd finished this.

https://soundcloud.com/megridgway/i-wanna-be-sedated

Monday February 19, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I said I'd come back tomorrow and here I am. Yesterday I was optimistic...ish. today I am not.

Today I am totally starved of hope.

I don't want to slip again, I'm so scared.

Sunday February 18, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I'm lying in the bath, the bubbles slowly melting and outside its raining, I can hear it on the roof and the window. Its dripping on the tiles and on my toothbrush.

I've been reading back on all my old blogs, if anyone were to ask I'd say I wanted to reflect on how far I've come, but in reality I know I'm just avoiding all the things I should be doing.

I feel like im sinking see, or like ive already sunk. When I lie back in my bed I lie on the seabed. The ocean is 6 miles deep and he's fallen asleep on my chest. I want to roll over and look the other way, I want to see something growing beside me, sprouting from the sand and stretching towards the light. I want to see someone else trying. Instead all I can see is the black, the bio illumination flickering on and off above me as other people get their own way.

When I daze off, the way I often do, I think about dying though I know deep down I don't want to. Its something I know I shouldn't do, something I never consciously do. But sometimes when I'm sitting in a haze, half listening to my sister talking, half listening to the kettle boiling downstairs, the thought just creeps in, settles down and makes itself at home. "Oh well if anything really bad ever happens..."
How bad?
I'm starting to get scared that something really bad might happen.

On days like today I feel grey like the city I grew up in, grey like the sea that curves the coastline and drags silt and plastic bottles out to sea. Im scared that one day its going to drag me with it, im scared that when It does I wont mind.

I think I'm just kinda miserable, drizzling down the window and dripping onto the tiles.

Maybe I'll come back tomorrow feeling a little better.