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BlueRoses's picture

1:03

on August 19, 2018 - 5:11pm

I love someone dearly and it hurts a little bit more every day.

When we met it was love at the center of a heatwave, dust on your dressing table, dust in your freshly folded clothes. It used to catch in the creases by his eyes when he laughed.
We used to wander home drunk at night, stumble down northern cobblestone paths, through Liverpool, Manchester, Nottingham. We used to stumble home down by Camden Loch and he would laugh because I didn't know left from right.
We used to stay up too late, our eyes would sting and the sun would rise slowly before either of us could fall asleep.

BlueRoses's picture

02:15

on June 18, 2018 - 6:53pm

I get followed home a lot. I don't live in a particularly affluent part of the city and the streets are always quiet, not quiet enough. I leave A's house and I toy with the idea of catching the bus, but catching the bus means waiting for a bus and sometimes they run regular but a lot of the time they're late, sometimes its 3 minutes standing alone, sometimes its 15 and a man you don't know is sitting with his shoulder pushed against yours, breathing down your neck and asking your name.
Most of the time the bus comes and my travel card gets declined anyway because I've forgotten to top up.

BlueRoses's picture

00:46 (happy thoughts)

on June 5, 2018 - 5:54pm

Every now and then the voice comes back, the oh "well if anything really bad ever happens." It opens the bedroom door quietly in the middle of the night and slips in unnoticed. I only hear her when she's breathing down my neck.
And when she comes back, when my reflection gets too much, when the thought of making a future for myself gets to be too much, the only thing there is left to do is sit back and think happy thoughts. As many happy thoughts as I can.
Cause all things must pass right?

1) its first year, youre drunk and the kitchen is spinning.

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15:22

on March 27, 2018 - 7:36am

I went home, I spoke to my mum and she said "I thought something was up, I'm not surprised you feel like this" which all considering I'm actually kind of impressed at because not many mums could play down suicidal thoughts. Somehow within the space of ten minutes I went from feeling like my whole world was ending, to feeling like everyone has felt the way I was feeling at some point or other in their life.

BlueRoses's picture

20:18

on February 27, 2018 - 12:21pm

Mum called yesterday because no matter how hard i try to pretend that everything fine, even when theres a whole motorway and half the New Forest between us, she can still tell when something is up.
And somethings really up.
I'm so stressed with uni that I've managed to really bad relapse again, to the point where even telling my friends how i feel is petrifying.

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Sunday August 19, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I love someone dearly and it hurts a little bit more every day.

When we met it was love at the center of a heatwave, dust on your dressing table, dust in your freshly folded clothes. It used to catch in the creases by his eyes when he laughed.
We used to wander home drunk at night, stumble down northern cobblestone paths, through Liverpool, Manchester, Nottingham. We used to stumble home down by Camden Loch and he would laugh because I didn't know left from right.
We used to stay up too late, our eyes would sting and the sun would rise slowly before either of us could fall asleep. I used to stay up late for him, he used to stay up late for me.

We spent hours wishing for rain, hiding from the sunlight under the shade of a tree or scaffolding on the high street. I used to sigh and talk about soup and jeans and jumpers. And not feeling so suffocated all of the time.
We spent hours wishing for rain and then it came.
June became July and as July sunk, simmering into August and the storms settled down, he stayed in London and I moved back down south.

And now when I don't see him it hurts. Because I always tried not to become reliant on someone, and I always tried not to find happiness in other people, but to love him is to accept that without him home doesnt feel like home, and without him the days feel wasted and I feel wasted like im wasting away.

And it seems so ironic that I wasted so much time with other people, doing other things, that by the time I was ready to meet him, I was forced to leave him behind.

Monday June 18, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I get followed home a lot. I don't live in a particularly affluent part of the city and the streets are always quiet, not quiet enough. I leave A's house and I toy with the idea of catching the bus, but catching the bus means waiting for a bus and sometimes they run regular but a lot of the time they're late, sometimes its 3 minutes standing alone, sometimes its 15 and a man you don't know is sitting with his shoulder pushed against yours, breathing down your neck and asking your name.
Most of the time the bus comes and my travel card gets declined anyway because I've forgotten to top up. And yes, i know I should probably top it up more often.

So I walk home from A's house a lot, usually late at night, usually alone, usually relatively on edge because i know that usually, something happens.

Last time I walked home I got followed, harassed, chased and then finally someone tried to pull me into their car... all in the space of a 20 minute walk down the main road.
So tonight I was wary, more wary than usual, I didnt have my phone out, I didn't have my headphones on, I concentrated on crossing the road to avoid unlit areas, pubs and the bus stops where the usual suspects tend to linger. I was so careful, just clearly not careful enough.

I passed a shop and a man on a bike was asking for directions, I should have paid more attention to his conversation with the shopkeeper but I didn't. When the shopkeeper sent him on his way he shouted thank you and then he cycled up to me, for a little while he was blocking my way past, cycling too close. I nearly tripped on his pedal. He asked me for directions too, but he didn't want directions, he'd made that clear before he'd even said a word. He kept cycling too close.
He kept asking my name, my number, where I was from, why I was in the city, where I was going, if I'd been drinking, kept telling me he'd like to take me home. I kept shrugging my shoulders, hoping that if I just gave him a little he'd try his luck elsewhere.
Why is it that horrible men always tell you you have a lovely smile. They say it like its a free pass.

"You have a lovely smile," I've said something nice, so now I can say something intrusive.
"You have a lovely smile," I've said something nice so you owe me your personal details.
"You have a lovely smile," I've said something nice so now no one will mind if I move too close, if I follow you home, if I make you feel fucking terrified for the next four hours.

"You have a lovely smile,"
Do I? Cause i haven't smiled at you.

So I told him my name was Sophie (its not) and I told him I was meeting my boyfriend (which I wasn't) and I told him the place he was looking for was straight on down the high road (I'm sure you understand the pattern here,)

And then he got aggressive, shouted after me, told me he didn't believe me, said it wasn't fair, but in the end he left me alone and he cycled away and I hope he got lost somewhere in the shit bit of the city. I hope it takes him hours to get home.

And so, I turn off at my corner, opposite the bus garage. I can still hear that cyclist shouting down the street at me and when I look up I see two men at the bus garage and they're waving. they're in their uniform, they've just shut down a bus and they waving at me. They're waving frantically. I hesitate, I check over my shoulder for the cyclist but he's gone and I'm confused because these two men are shouting me over, they look scared for me. I think twice about it, walking over that is, but I'm scared and they're in their uniform and they keep telling me they can help, they keep calling me over to the gate.

So I go and at first I think I'm silly for being suspicious. Now I feel naive.

"Are you okay?" asks one.
"We saw what happened," says the other.
"Do you need help are you looking for the busses?"

I tell them yeah, I'm fine, I'm just going home, I don't need a bus. And one of them backs off. I smile, I say thank you, I turn to walk away. The other doesn't back off, he does smile though. He smiles and reaches through the railings and he grabs my wrist.
I don't jump because I was always taught to pretend I'm not scared. Even when I'm terrified, which I am.

"I didn't really think you needed help, I just wanted you to cross the road so I could get a closer look, you're so sexy, so tall, you have a beautiful body, whats your name, can I get your number, don't tell me you have a boyfriend..."

"but I do have a boyfriend..."

"Are you sure,"

"Yes I'm sure..."

And then he grips me tighter, theres a bruise on my wrist now, he grips me tighter and he asks if I'm sure again. I'm still sure. I'm sure and my teeth are gritted and I'm really trying not to shake or show the whites of my eyes.
He says he thinks that I'm lying, but that if I do have a boyfriend its a shame. He pulls a face like a 5 year old who's just been told he can't have another cookie. He pulls a face like a teenager who's just had his xbox taken away because he was caught smoking by his grandma after school.

And then he tells me why its a shame, and I don't want to tell you why it was a "shame," because the things he said to me next left my skin crawling. He left my spine feeling like it wasn't mine my hands feeling like they weren't my hands. I don't feel like me anymore.
He was horrible and now I feel horrible.

I feel sick and even though I'm home now, I'm in my bed, I'm tucked up safe and sound and I know that in the morning C will wake up and he'll see my messages and he'll call me and talk me through it and I'll feel fine again, every time I close my eyes I see that man, and I see his uniform and I see his hand on my wrists, and I see the way his lips curled around the cruel things he said. And I can't stop thinking about the things he said. I can't stop thinking that I was an idiot for crossing that road, that I was naive, and stupid, stupid, stupid.

C will probably tell me tomorrow that I'm wrong, that it isn't my fault at all, but that he wishes I was more careful, that he wishes I wouldn't walk home alone like that... and I'll still be left questioning myself. And that tomorrow night when I'm trying to sleep I'll still hear the things that man said, I'll still torture myself thinking about the things he said he wanted to do to me.

And I'm sorry for ranting like this because usually I try to write eloquently on here, and I try to write things that other people might want to read, but nobody at home is awake, and I know I won't stop thinking about it until I've written it all down, played ad replayed the scene in my head, told the story as if it were just that... a story.
So yeah.

I want to cry ha ha

Tuesday June 05, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Every now and then the voice comes back, the oh "well if anything really bad ever happens." It opens the bedroom door quietly in the middle of the night and slips in unnoticed. I only hear her when she's breathing down my neck.
And when she comes back, when my reflection gets too much, when the thought of making a future for myself gets to be too much, the only thing there is left to do is sit back and think happy thoughts. As many happy thoughts as I can.
Cause all things must pass right?

1) its first year, youre drunk and the kitchen is spinning. Top Loader is playing, Dancing in the moonlight. Light pollution leaks through the open windows. ItsI humid. The air clings to your skin, you're all hazy, the room smells like cigarettes and something else. Its you, a, j, l, m and s. Its the first time you've ever met s. You used to hate this song, but now you're dancing to it like you've loved it your whole life. And when you wake up tomorrow morning it'll be those keys which ring in your ears.

2) sitting in st james park with c. Its June and the pollen count is high. Youre hayfeverous, chest infected freshly in love and when you open your eyes all you see are his. Bluey green and full of love for you. Hes holding your hand and even though he takes the piss out of you for it every time, when he kisses your cheek you bite back a smile.

3) a serenades you with poetry when she's drunk. She stands on her kitchen table, holds the book out in front of her as if she's reading the 10 commandments for the first time theyve ever been read, and you sit there in the chair, knees hugged to your chest, giggling and clapping and always in awe.

4) when your little sister was young and she thought you were sad, she'd disappear quietly, slip away unnoticed and then, you'd hear her come back, feet padding softly across the kitchen floor. She'd tug on your sleeve and you'd try to dry your eyes, she'd make you sit down next to her and then, she'd offer you the corner of her yellow blanket. Hold it to your nose so you could snuggle into it. She'd take your hand and cup it to her cheek and she'd look at you with her big brown eyes, with all the love and affection in the world. She'd never say anything, because she was always too young to understand. She just sorta always knew something was wrong.
Well she's 17 now and she still does it. And its still the most comforting thing in the world.

5) walking back through fields of downtrodden grass, sundried hay leaving grit in your eyes. Fairground lights dizzy you and in your ears you can still hear the music playing, blur - ong ong. You can smell all sorts of fast food, street food, alcohol spilled at your shoes. Your skins still warm, you caught the sun, your hairs tangled and your jumper is soft against your arms. Your cheeks are flushed and your mams linked her arms with yours and youre kicking up the dust as you walk.

6) dads in the kitchen washing up, its late in the evening, he's listening to late in the evening

7) the night c said he loved you without saying he loved you, the night you stayed up way later than you should have and shared his gin, and you were just lying there beside him, he kept looking at your lips and he said, "I hope we get to spend loads of time together this summer, and then hopefully in the winter, and then the summer after that and the summer after that, and then the summer after that in ten years time," and that was when you just sort of knew.

8) driving north up the m6 toll road. Listening to 80s indie.

9) lonely nights in second year when you'd put the national on low and pace around your little studio student flat reading Tennessee Williams aloud, bare feet on the kitchen tiles. Blue light bathing your skin in an amniotic glow. Your eyes would sting but it soothed you.

10) when you were little your mum would make up bedtime stories about a little pixie who lived at the top of your garden inside a conifer tree. There was a pixie and an imp and the adventures she would narrate left you enchanted. Well one day youre going to have little children of your own, and when you make up their bedtime stories you'll leave them enchanted too.

11) the night you got back from a house party with a. She was drunk, passed out in her bed and you'd just crawled into the spare bed upstairs. Then you heard j and s downstairs, they came stumbling through the front door, wide awake and soon so were you. A came back to life, and you all shared a bottle of wine, red... which though you've never liked you liked that night. J came down the stairs dressed in an ostrich costume and you turned the music up, watched him dancing to filthy gorgeous and bruno mars. Him and a serenading the kitchen window dramatic as you like.

12) talkin with c on his friends sofa at 4 in the mornin, peep show playing in the background like it had been for hours, though you were both so deep in conversation that you hadnt noticed. Looking down and realising you were holding hands, he was playing with your fingers and you had your head on his shoulder. You were close but you could have been closer. You raced to the other settee but it was a draw, and so you shared the settee, he lay back and pulled you in close to him, you slept with your head on his chest and hugged his arm around you, snuggled into him. And it never even occurred to you that you might be more than friends.

13) all those nights you spent wandering around town with jedi, eating palma violets and milk chews. It was always cold and it was always raining and you were never dressed for the weather, but the quay was always calm, the sea wall always comfortable, and childrens parks were always the perfect setting for your teenage melodrama.

14) the night of e's birthday, you got home at 5am but you and c didnt sleep until 10am. You stayed up despite your aching chest and your stinging eyes, you hugged a pillow to your cheek and closed your eyes, and when he stole your pillow from under you you giggled and shoved him and pinky swore to stay up with him until he was ready to sleep. You wore his chain around your neck and you listened to him talk shit to you all night. You told him you could top and tail but when you eventually passed out you passed out side by side.

Tuesday March 27, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

I went home, I spoke to my mum and she said "I thought something was up, I'm not surprised you feel like this" which all considering I'm actually kind of impressed at because not many mums could play down suicidal thoughts. Somehow within the space of ten minutes I went from feeling like my whole world was ending, to feeling like everyone has felt the way I was feeling at some point or other in their life. Obviously I know they haven't and I know that how I was feeling was dangerous and just not right at all, but I don't know, theres something in the way my mum says things that has you believing everything is alright even if its not.
Anyway the voices haven't been very loud at all lately, most days they don't say a word. Its nice to finally get some peace and quiet.
I still can't see a future but I think that not being able to see the end is probably a step in the right direction.

Tuesday February 27, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Mum called yesterday because no matter how hard i try to pretend that everything fine, even when theres a whole motorway and half the New Forest between us, she can still tell when something is up.
And somethings really up.
I'm so stressed with uni that I've managed to really bad relapse again, to the point where even telling my friends how i feel is petrifying. I just sit on my bed in the dark trying to write up my dissertation, trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with he rest of my life, and every time I turn my phone on one of my friends is asking me to go out for drinks with them, asking me to go to some club, trying to get me to go out and take drugs with them, and the self destructive part of me, the part that tells me not to eat and tells me to smoke when I'm feeling a bit sad, that part of me jumps for joy whenever anyone gives me the opportunity to do something stupid.
The other part of me, the other part of me is petrified.

Thursday February 22, 2018 
| Posted by: BlueRoses

Last night I locked all the doors and turned the lights down low. I turned the heating back on and smoked out my window watching the lights turning on and off in the building behind my house. We still haven't worked out what that building is, the cats like it though. Maybe the roof is warm.

"Oh well if anything really bad happens," has been trying to settle down in the back of my mind lately, I think I've said that before. It keeps coming back when I'm not expecting it to, it takes advantage of that early Thursday morning lethargy that clings to you, keeps you trapped in a smoky haze. The kind of haze where your eyes feel sticky and your body doesn't feel like its entirely yours. I'm a bit too warm. It talks over people now, when I'm trying to listen to them and the things they always only say because they want the best for me. It keeps interrupting them when they try to ask me what I want to do with my life, where I'm going to go after uni. When people say "do yo actually want to go into music? Because thats hard," the voice shrugs its shoulders and says "oh well if anything really bad ever happens," and I just have to smile and shrug my shoulders too, say, "I don't know," as if I haven't really heard either of them.

Anyway, when I get the urge to self destruct, I tend to have a smoke and make something sound as beautiful as I can. So I left the lights down low and hid myself away in my room, and I didn't go to sleep until I'd finished this.

https://soundcloud.com/megridgway/i-wanna-be-sedated