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neon heart's blog

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i miss mcr

Hey guys! So I haven't logged in in a long time, and it seems that not a lot of people are posting anymore. I really miss mcr, they were such a good band and they have helped me through so many difficult times and I've actually made a lot of friends through them. I actually have two different groups who both like mcr- we all call each other emos but thinking about it, everyone in this modern world kind of is an emo - maybe minus the hair and the outfits and music I guess. Anyway those were my thoughts for the day, I miss mcr and miss this site.

hi i'm still alive

As the title says, I'm still alive. Somehow, I'm still running. Life has been meh. Teenage years are extremely difficult, and I am only learning this now. They are the best time of your life, and the worst. I truly believe this.

On March first, I had my first love. I had been in a relationship before (quite young, I know I'm 15 but it wasn't serious or anything). However, I truly believe he was my first love. I had never felt this way about anyone before, but as you probably know, some boys tend to mature later on than girls and him being my age meant he still acted like a 12 year old.

i made a tumblr account

So yeah I like the idea of blogs and I have always loved tumblr and the photos on there. Even though people have warned me about the dangers of it and how dark it truly is I decided to make it anyway because I'm dead on the inside anyway so fuck it. My blog username is myneonheart so yeah go follow me on there or else leave your users in the comments and I'll follow! I follow everyone back c:

Thank you for reading! Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys x
-Kaylie

my life is boring

I've been wanting to post a blog here for so long but somehow I always log in, then log straight out because I remember that I have nothing to really write about, I mean, my life is pretty boring.

My day goes like this: Wake up late, normally at about 7:15, get ready in about 30 minutes, most of the time even less because I get up later. Go to school, come back home, eat, watch Friends (sometimes anime and YouTube videos- depends!), do homework, listen to music, take a shower, go to guitar lessons or private lessons or wherever else I have to go if I do go somewhere.

mcr video finally done and uploaded!

Yep.. I made a blog in like April and 9 months later I have fixed my video editor programme and finally uploaded the video! Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpR5DINvghQ

Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys!
-Kaylie x

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Sunday November 05, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

Hey guys! So I haven't logged in in a long time, and it seems that not a lot of people are posting anymore. I really miss mcr, they were such a good band and they have helped me through so many difficult times and I've actually made a lot of friends through them. I actually have two different groups who both like mcr- we all call each other emos but thinking about it, everyone in this modern world kind of is an emo - maybe minus the hair and the outfits and music I guess. Anyway those were my thoughts for the day, I miss mcr and miss this site. Hope you have/had a good day, and keep running killjoys x

-Kaylie

Sunday April 30, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

As the title says, I'm still alive. Somehow, I'm still running. Life has been meh. Teenage years are extremely difficult, and I am only learning this now. They are the best time of your life, and the worst. I truly believe this.

On March first, I had my first love. I had been in a relationship before (quite young, I know I'm 15 but it wasn't serious or anything). However, I truly believe he was my first love. I had never felt this way about anyone before, but as you probably know, some boys tend to mature later on than girls and him being my age meant he still acted like a 12 year old. So after a bit more than a month, I broke up with him. I realised that although he was helping with my mental health a lot, he was also making it worse, he was ignoring me completely and acted totally different so I had to think of myself for once.

To the point where after we broke up, I was upset for more than 5 days. I've been feeling very suicidal, and it's just been super shitty. My anxiety's getting worse, suicidal thoughts occur more often and I've been thinking very lowly of myself. I'm trying to get better, and it's working. We got a note from a doctor today so I can go and see a therapist because I urgently need it.

My anxiety has stopped me from doing the things I love. I had isolated myself for a while, not wanting to talk to anyone, even pushing family away. I was privileged enough that both my friends and my family were there for me but I've also been dealing with some friend problems because not everyone whom you meet who you think is nice is actually that kind of person.

My Chemical Romance has of course still helped me through a lot of things, including this. So music is really helping me but as I said my anxiety's been stopping me from doing things I love. I hadn't played guitar in a while and stopped singing altogether. I'm slowly getting back on the right track now, though.

So now I'm mostly focusing on school and getting better, music is also helping me again. I have a fidget cube now and it's so good, it's been also helping me through my anxiety.

Anyway, that was my update! I hope everyone here is okay xx Thank you for reading! Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys.
-Kaylie

Sunday January 29, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

So yeah I like the idea of blogs and I have always loved tumblr and the photos on there. Even though people have warned me about the dangers of it and how dark it truly is I decided to make it anyway because I'm dead on the inside anyway so fuck it. My blog username is myneonheart so yeah go follow me on there or else leave your users in the comments and I'll follow! I follow everyone back c:

Thank you for reading! Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys x
-Kaylie

Thursday January 19, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

I've been wanting to post a blog here for so long but somehow I always log in, then log straight out because I remember that I have nothing to really write about, I mean, my life is pretty boring.

My day goes like this: Wake up late, normally at about 7:15, get ready in about 30 minutes, most of the time even less because I get up later. Go to school, come back home, eat, watch Friends (sometimes anime and YouTube videos- depends!), do homework, listen to music, take a shower, go to guitar lessons or private lessons or wherever else I have to go if I do go somewhere. Come home, practice guitar/singing, eat, go on social media, finish anything else I have to finish and then go to bed. That's my routine every day at the moment so yeah I'm not doing much.

I did go to change my guitar strings yesterday though and something exciting happened. Basically, my guitar's a classical left handed guitar which means it has nylon strings. Now, I play with my right hand, which is allegedly very rare. Anyway, I went to my guitar lessons and my coach changed them but didn't have nylon ones, he just had steel ones but he changed them so I can play properly for 3 more lessons. There was too much tension and my tuning keys weren't working because they ended up too loose.

So obviously I had to change the strings and tighten the tuning keys because I have my next lesson on Wednesday I think and I have to practice so yeah we went to change the chords and tighten up the tuning keys. The strings were taken off by my coach so I had a stringless guitar. We bought the strings, nylon this time and the guy who was going to fix everything is my mum's partner's friend.

Anyway, he fixed my guitar and then we just chilled there and it was so much fun! He started playing some songs on both the guitar and the piano and I sang and it was so cool! Now we're going to see if we can try to go perform at funerals or weddings and get some money! We might try out some songs and upload them onto YouTube or something as well idk but it's really cool so yeah that was really exciting for me, idk why though because I've done this before tbh.

I guess my question is what have you guys been up to? How's your week been? Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys x
-Kaylie

Thursday January 05, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

Yep.. I made a blog in like April and 9 months later I have fixed my video editor programme and finally uploaded the video! Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpR5DINvghQ

Hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys!
-Kaylie x

Thursday January 05, 2017 
| Posted by: neon heart

So I know most of the time I talk about myself on this blog but today I decided to make it about my brother, this is because he has been worrying me so much lately and it's really sad what he went through and I sorta wanna raise awareness for it, if that makes sense? My brother has just been through so much and he's only 12 so it sucks and I just want to tell anyone on here who might be reading that you're not alone and also as I said I wanna raise awareness about these situations that are going on, maybe we can all help in one way or another.

My brother, as I said is 12 years old. He was diagnosed with autism. Which, for any of you who don't know what that means, it's a mental condition which is present from early childhood (we noticed at about the age of 4 because that was the time he started talking, and in English, which is our second language. Keep in mind our first language is Maltese and we'd talk to him in Maltese all the time, so we found this behaviour quite strange) it is characterized by great difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts.

As I said, we noticed strange behaviour from a young age and immediately got help. There's this foundation in Malta called Inspire and we took him there and they educated him and really helped him. If you look at him, he looks like a "normal" boy (though I hate using that word, because I do feel like my brother is just like any other boy, but just has more social problems, if that makes sense?)

He was doing better and as I said, looked like a "normal" boy and acted like one. He didn't have trouble talking to anyone, and he was quite confident. At parties, he'd go out and dance and he's always had friends and all that. Until he changed schools about 4 years ago. He started stressing out more, because his school's learning technique is more advanced and their syllabus is of an older age and since he's autistic, he found this quite hard to deal with. Also, his school is quite far away from where we live so he goes there by van with other students in his school. And the bullying started.

Now, my brother has been taught by my mum at a young age to always be polite and kind and never to hurt anyone else and help people, just the way people should be. But unfortunately, not every boy's parents in this school raised them that way and so as I said, bullying started. It happened for a while, stopped, and then started again about a year later and it went on for about two years. There was a boy, smaller than him, who also has a mental condition, don't know what he has, though, who started saying very mean things to him. He'd call him dumb, made fun of our mother, and even pushed him, intentionally trying to hurt him.

My brother would come home crying and as I said, he had stress because he changed schools and so with the stress he'd have the bullying and it was very hard for him to deal with. My mum went telling the school and even talking to the boy's parents multiple times but she hardly ever found help. It has stopped now, but his autism has come out more ever since that happened. He's become very anxious and panicked all the time because of it.

For example, we were at a party 2 days ago, it was my cousin's birthday party and we had to come in all black and they gave us clothing to wear on top of it because it was 70's themed and he didn't want to wear it, so then we told him that it's okay and that if he didn't feel comfortable wearing them, he didn't have to feel the need to. He still wouldn't come, he sat on a chair in the corner, crying. I asked him why, and after a lot of tears, he said that he was scared of being judged and that everyone would look at him because he was different, because he wasn't dressed up 70's themed. It took a while to convince him to come and make friends, and whilst I was trying to convince him, I noticed he was fidgeting with his hands and he nearly started hitting himself, which obviously was concerning me a lot.

Yesterday, my grandma and grandpa came home and after he ate his food, he started jumping around in the kitchen and would not sit down. He started kissing us all on the cheeks, hugging us, running around and laughing for no reason at all. This was similar behaviour to when he was younger and he was doing this because he was very happy to see that my grandparents were there and that we were all having a good time. I found that adorable, of course, and he'd do this because obviously autism is not something you can remove so he still does certain things that he did as a little boy. Also this summer I noticed him rocking back and forth plenty of times.

We're now going to take him to a psychiatrist and see if we can help him with his anxiety. Also, I don't know if you guys saw but there was a fidgeting cube which was invented to help stress and anxiety, do you think it helps? Because if so, we really want to buy him one and help him. I love him a lot, and though I can be very awful towards him a lot because I am his sibling after all, and all siblings are horrible towards each other sometimes, I do care about him a lot, and I never want to see him hurt, like I have seen him for the past couple of years.

I really want to try to stop bullying so if you ever see someone getting hurt because of someone else, please try to stop them. It sucks that a lot of kids like my brother have to go through this daily, and I really want to help. Thank you for reading, stay strong, hope you have/had a good day and keep running, killjoys x